SUPERNOVA*

Friday, May 24, 2002

Heartsick

I am exahusted. I've been picking fights with everyone and their dog lately. The vet still has Princess, we should know today when we get to pick her up, it might not be till monday or tuesday. Right now... I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Im so sick of everything. Im sick of not knowing who I can count on, of feeling shut off from everyone. Kenneths has turned me off guys. Its like every guy I meet... they *censored* with your head, break down your spirt, and then say things like "I’m gonna go over there, kick her door in and make her wish she had never been born, I’m really pissed off with her. Double crossing bitch can run but she can’t hide forever". (which of course he staunchly denies was me)
I keep trying to tell myself there was no abuse, he never hit me, but what abuse is worse then denying someone freedom to be who they are, what abuse is worse then making a woman live in fear of you.
Broken bones heal, the heart and mind never really do.
If he had just hit me... I could have fought back... but I cant fight this, this panic thats settled over me. Im scared, I am scared of him, of what he can do. Im scared to death that he will always be in my life and I will always look back and wonder if I should have just staied.
I ate half a piece of pizza last and then ran to the bathroom because my nerves are all jumbled. I cant deal with this. I dont want to eat and when I do I get sick. Theres no proof this way, they cant look at my arms and know Im hurting.
And then I think... who would I go to? Laura doesnt know how to take care of herself, she doesnt even know how shes paying rent next month, mom would ship me off, Charity thinks I should get over myself, and Gabi and Brit would kill themselves with worry. Who do I have thats not made of glass? that I wont shatter with the weight of my fear and pain?
And the real answer is no one. I am alone

xoxo SJ at 3:17 AM.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

I went on a picnic yesterday with Matt Zach and some other people, Matt thought he'd be cute and steal my blankie, and he refused to give it back unless I kissed him -which he thinks he can do now because Im not tired up and engaged- so I did, and of course Matt being the lightweight he is, he almost passed out, at which point Zach laughed and was like "if those are the kisses you're giving out Im stealing your blankie next!". Now Matt's got it in his head I need to go camping with him next weekend -which for those of you a little slow on the uptake, is an excuse to get me into the woods, in a tent, with one sleepingbag, and try to do naughty things to me- Of course Im not going Now if it were Zach, Jay, or Sam it would be a race to see who could be naughty first-.
I've been thinking about my time with Ana and Mia, which worries Brit, we talk about it last night. But you know what the thing is, I dont look on it as something I want to do again, I look at it and I think "my god, what a waste". It was such a hurtful time, because Mia and Ana are all about lies, lying to the world, lying to the ones you love, but most of all lying to yourself. It was like... I couldn't stand their pesudo-loving eyes, the pitty, and I felt like the whole world was against me and Mia was all that I had, then when Mia wasnt enough I sent her "away" and tired Ana, but Mia still reared her head, when the world became to much and I would eat myself into oblivion.
Right now... Momma, Gabi, and Brit are really worried about me. I don't know that I can say with clear concious that they need not. This thing with Kenneth... the thing is, the fact hes being a jerk about all of this, well... what it tells me is that he never really truely loved me, because if he did, then he would say "You need this time, I will step back, I will mind my own bussiness and leave you to it" but he hasn't not really, and it hurts. But, I am in no shape or form letting it get me down, true we all have days, but I am better then I have been in a long time. I am working everyday to get close to where I need to be.
Annie and I talk almost everyday now. Shes so sweet, we were talking the other day, and I said something I hadn't said in a long time "thats what little sisters are for". It was a running joke with us, about how she and Mir were my older sisters but I was always the one there making them laugh and feel better when they'd rather not. Last night she sent me a picture of her with a bunch of Firemen, soooooo shexy. hehe She told me if she can get ahold of the Calender two of them did she'd send me one. I told her to just send me a plane ticket to Miami and take me to them, Id take care of the rest -nudge nugde wink wink-
Last night Gabi and I were talking about now that its summer we can stay up till all hours giggling and being silly about everything, "just like last summer". We were talking about how great it was and then she was like "except for that whole.. missy thing" and i just laughed and said "well yea, but it made us closer that much faster!" hehe so she called me her "little optimist" and I had to point out "yea your morbid little optimist". Apprently Im just to cute. I really am quite grateful for Gabi, Brit, Gabi, Laura, Jay, Rei, Chris,Colleen, Kath, Rita, Lynn, Katie, Claire, Sonya, Coal, Jarmo, Kirsten... Even Nialle, assuming that shexy sylph answer my damn email.

xoxo SJ at 9:15 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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