SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I dont think I've ever been this tired and sore. Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't so bad you know? I only have to lug around one book and Im supposed to be at school for an hour, but Mondays and Wesndays kill me, Im carrying around My math text book my four books for english, my cultural studies book and my acting book. AND a binder and folders. I thought I was going to die today.My feet are killing me too, I wore my cute high heel white sandles with, get this, a skirt I haven't been able to wear in two fucking years man. But the sandles gave me really big blisters. Uckies. I finally took them off and walked barefoot.I have had no time lately to edit up my work. Pooh. Or work on my website, or talk to my boyfriend, or talk to my Nate, or talk to my Jay really, except last night we did. I felt like she was mad at me last night when I finally got off. Ive been so tired though Im probably hyper senstive. But! I am getting to spend a lot of time with my girls. I luff them. But I miss my Bsie *Le Sigh* I have blisters.And Im whining.Ill go now

xoxo SJ at 9:37 AM.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

The last two days have been great. Im so glad to be back at school. I'm tired but its a good tired. I should probably start from the begining.Yesterday I got there about ten to 8, didn't have my book, felt like a loser and no one I knew was even there. But it was ok because I saw Trisha. Then made plan with Lesley to go to Lunch so we could talk *nod*. Then while I waited around for Trish Les and Melissa's next class to be over I ran into Tristen, walked her to class then met Trav,wasn't all impressed with that, Saw Jak, got a hug *happy squeak*, then went with Kimber while she got food. Met up with everyone else, had a great lunch, talked talked talked, walked Melissa to class, hung out with Lesley, we ended up going to the bank and back to the bookstore to get her books. We hung out just kind of talking about everything in my life.. you know I never realized how many people I touched or affected or how I was missed you know? It was weird. There was a lot of girly sqeaks and running hugs yesterday, it was to good to be back, then I saw Margo,and I got acting loves *beams* Saw Jak again, got another hug before I walked away, hes so freaking sexaful lol. Id shag'im *nod* Anyway! I saw J. too, hes such a crass bastard. I really missed him, he makes me laugh.Then I had acting. Woot. Jerry is such a pompus fuck. Pfft I can't believe I was ever attracted to him seriously, hes such a phoney actor, and I fully believe what Lesy says "Those who can't act, teach theater at TVCC". His casting fucked up their production of Much Ado. Anyway! Went over the course expectations which is so stupid because most of us have done this class before. When Jerry got to the part about building one's confidence John was like "Cough YEA SARACough." He's such a dip sometimes. After acting, went with Trish to the bank, Im holding $700 for her so her mom doens't find out about it and drink it away, which she would *eye roll*. Her mom thinks Im great, and I think her little brother Jaden has a crush on me. Its so cute. It's really awkward though because its really hard for me not to yell at her mom when her mom starts bringing her down. Grrr to her, anyway, we went back to the college so Trish could get her books, I saw Melissa, Kimber, Jak, Megan, and Jay. We asked Melissa to go with us to dinner, and so we dropped Trist and her friend Katie off at Wal*Mart and went to Far East.I so broke my diet lol Fried Rice and Mandrien Chicken *drool* It was so yummy! And SOOO fattening. heh Lucky me Yey! Anyway, we had a great time Kimber was there too, Jaden is a little heathen and Trish's mom was acting like a flake but other then that. Melissa gave me a ride back to the school with Kimber so we could go to Cultural Anthropology, it was interesting, we did personality Quizes and apprently Im a classic "Blue", a people pleaser, prone to guilt trips, at times easily manipulated, and extreamly passive. I could see Kimber nodding her head as Lauri talked, its so me it's scary.Got out of that class closer to 6:45 then 6:30 but its okie, hauled my happy butt across campus for WR121. I don't actually know anyone in that class but thats ok because I didn't do so hot last time, I was always screwing off and talking to Cate. Oooops! Anyway, Im going to like Stockton I think, he's pretty interesting actually. Got out of class, swung by Trish's picked up Tristen's math book, I was so exhausted, came home tried to do my math, that didn't go so hot, I think my brain was fried from being on campus for 12 hours straight. I took a break, called Melissa, intending to talk to her for 15 minutes, got off the phone at after 12 har. Then I called Natey, we talked till almost one I think, it was fun, we got into the whole discussion about the wounded knight and why women find it sexy, and he turned it back on me and was like "Yea but the damsil in distress is sexy too" I snorted and said "Im not a damil in distress" So he was like "Ha Denial isn't just a river in Eygpt!" I had to laugh. What if the Damsil doesn't admit shes in distress? Ha! Thats what I thought man.Got to bed at 1:30, got up at 6:30, went to school worked on my Math, that I think I actuall get now. Margo showed up and we have the class together, *dances* It makes me happy because she's not doing acting three this term. So Ill still get to see her YEY!Biggest news yet, I saw my Jen Jen! *girly squeaks* Was another day of tight hugs *nod* Then she gave me a ride home and we really got to talk. Shes going to be back at school this term Im so happy. And Im making Melissa dinner tonight *dances* I have a lot of homework todo too. Boo. I should get to it.Lots of Love

xoxo SJ at 9:35 AM.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Dearest Love...

Dearest Love- Im sitting in my room, next to the open window quietly listening to the rain. I can't help but think of you, anymore you're where my thoughts turn when Im alone. I wonder if we'll ever really be together, or if Im just fooling myself with that dream. Im taking each day as it comes, trying not to think too far ahead down the road.
Sometimes it's rather difficult when my arms itch to hold you, my fingers to touch you. Sometimes, when you tell me you don't know why I put up with you, I have to laugh to myself because I'm not sure I could really do anything but love you. I feel empty without you, a feeling I can't quite comprehend.
There is a security in loving you as I do, I have, for the first time in a long time, complete faith. Faith in life, faith in love, faith that while its not perfect, this is pretty damn good. Sometimes I wonder how you cannot know how much you mean to me.
There are times I admit I get jealous, but it has nothing to do with you, my anger is short lived and more directed at myself with you for an easy target. I know I haven't quite been myself, but there is this transition happening around me and Im rather scared.
Its funny to admit Im scared to be happy, scared to go forward. But I am, and accepting this fear, is the first step to accepting me don't you think? And when I can accept me, then I'll be able to love you as completely as you deserve. That's really what keeps me going on days Id rather give up. The thought of you.
I strive to be more for you, not because you ask me to, or condition the love you give me on it, but because I want to be the kind of person you think I am, the kind of person you so deserve.
Life is often harsh and unfair, but I wake every morning knowing I have someone to face it with. Someone who will be in my corner no matter what I do, because for once, I need someone as much as they need me and I can admit it. I can admit, with you at least, that Im human, a work in progress.
Im probably talking complete crap, but I just had to write this down.
I love you, never forget that. No matter time or distance, love conquers all.

xoxo SJ at 12:32 AM.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

I went to see my Grandmaw Nora, my Dad's Mom the other day. I was sitting in her living room, talking to her about school, what Im doing with my life, and casually brining up the fact Im not attending this years family reunion when my sister, who I haven't spoken to since I was sixteen, burst in sobbing, looking like hell, fat lip black eye. Her boyfriend Jeff beat the crap out of her. SO being who I am, I get in the car, drive over there with Mizza my cousin, call the guy out, though he was waiting for someone to show up, it was obvious. I told him, very calmly, that if he ever touched her again I would cut off his dick and feed it to him piece by piece. Next thing I know, his big fat meaty hand comes out of nowhere and belts me. So hard I fly back against the car, he got in a few more hits before Lori and Teddy show up, Mizza is in the car screaming for him to get off me, when the dust finally settles, my sister is screaming at me about trying to ruin her life and come between her and her man. I was sickened honestly. And those fuckers hit hard. Im still sore. The doctor thinks it actually cracked my ribs when I went flying back into the side of the car. Im so angry you know? Its like I know I lost my temper, I know that I shouldn't have gone out there alone, but for fucks sake shes my sister!My whole life I thought family was everything, that if you didn't have friends at least you had people to fall back on. And in one night, I mean I don't even want to know them anymore. Everytime I get connected to that part of my history something just brings me down... I dont want to do it anymore.I got registered for classes today. We go back the 29th. I can't wait. Im so ready. I need a break from being on break. I need to get structure and form back in my life. *nod*I need a fuckin job too.

xoxo SJ at 9:31 AM.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I just saw Jay's new icon, subsequintly my monitor is now covered in cherry koolaid. Yea Im graceful.

Its been such a long weekend, I love Trish to death but I was ready to kill her by the time we took her home last night. I know it was lack of sleep and people invading my space but I swear I couldn't even breathe.

And like a really weird thing happend Friday Night, I was talking to her about some random thing, and she was playing with my hair and suddenly shes like "Im off my period..." Like... she expected something to happen? I felt kind of weird.

Like I know Im open with the fact I like women, but Im not attracted to her in that sense. I think she's amazing and everything really but.. I dunno.. she gets kind of obsessive. Like about everything. I dont think its healthy.

And that makes me sound bitchy. Blah.

In other new. Im finally creating a site for all my characters. *nod* Will be wonderful.

xoxo SJ at 7:30 PM.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I feel spiritually starved I've been fasting today, partly because there was nothing in the house but more so because I need something to cling to rightnow. I don't know whats wrong with me. Im disoriented and can't focus. I've been like this most of today. It could be lack of food... this is day two.I feel ill at ease in my own skin but I couldn't tell you why. I've sat here for the last hour or so listening to music, talking to Jay and Nate... waiting for Shaun.I've heard Cornflake Girl at least three times.I miss Shaun, for the last few days we haven't really had time for one another and Im worried that this isn't a good sign, I don't see how it can get better when Im going back to school the 29th. I just... I don't know. Im exhausted. Beyond exhausted.Why do I feel so drained? I should be happy, Trisha is coming to stay with me Friday, Im not sure when Im taking her home yet, but I think Melissa might be coming with her, I really really really hope so. I miss Melissa a lot. mmmyeap.I really have nothing important or interesting to say right now. How tragic.

xoxo SJ at 12:29 AM.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I completley wasted yesterday, I went back to bed after I made my entry and fucking just slept. Slept too much probably. Woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. Made me all dizzy and shit. Took pain pill, crashed for another hour. I think Im slipping down this road of depresson I don't know how to get out of. It worries me some. Like I see it coming, I know what it will bring, but I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to get out of the way of this train. I don't want to go to that place again. Im so much less when Im there. I know that now.Talked to Trisha for like three hours last night. She's getting really fed up with Tristin Travis and Kimber. Honestly I can't blame her. Everytime Im fucking around Travis I wan't to beat him. Seriously he's just a bad selfish person, and I don't like or apprecate how he makes me feel about me. It makes me litterally sick to my stomach.When Im around Tristin its not SO bad, but even she sort of makes me feel like whats going on with me doesn't really matter. It somehow always gets turned around on to how bad she's feeling, how dark she feels. And I hate it, because it just seems so selfish that I give and give and give and never get anything back from them. The one time Travis did pull me aside to ask me what was wrong, he turned it into a speech about God. *sigh* I just... I want to get as good as I give, and the only people I feel give that to me, at least from the college, are Melissa and Trisha. They're the only ones who talk about me, and missing me when Im not there. They're the only ones who really seem to worry or care that I've given up my life for other people. With them its not constantly "me me me" Which is nice because I don't ever really get that from anyone besides Jay Laura and Shaun.I love Tristin to death, I really do, but it just bothers me that shes still so immature, and that she tries to hard to be punk/goth. Its not about Fashion, its about a movement, a message. And quite honestly, though I don't look it, I am so much more Goth in truth. She doesn't have a dakrness, she doesn't have inner demons. She's so... false sometimes. And judgmental. Which is really hypocrtical of me because Im juding her. It just bothers me, like a lot sometimes.In other news, if I get my FASA shit together, I should be going back to college for Spring term. I can't wait. I miss my girls so much, and I miss having a REAL life. *nod* It will be good for me. Also must find job. Now I must finish dishies.

xoxo SJ at 2:28 PM.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

So I feel like crap. I don't know why exactly, but I do. Dumb huh? I just woke up feeling bad. I could have to do with my screwy sleep pattern lately, I stay up so late talking to Shaun that anymore its 10 or 11 before I even think of getting out of bed. I just can't stand missing time with him.I finally got a real minute to talk about Jay, I told her I was thinking of exploring Wicca, I think she was pleased. Not that it would really matter because I think relign is a personally choice. Im just desperate to find some sense of spirit in me again. Its strange, since my big blow up with mom, I've been doing everything she asks and more. I've kept quiet and to myself, and she seems happier. Less stressed... but Im miserable and making myself sick. My ulcer is geting increasingly worse. YickMade stir fry today! Again. I make it all the time. It would be better if I could have noodles and chicken with it, but its Lent, and a Friday so that means no meat. Fuckin Catholics man. Mom wasn't impressed this year when I told her what I have giving up for lent, was giving stuff up for lent. She told me she felt the need to pray for my mortal soul and that I would be a long time in purgatory. Har. I told her I was already in Hell. She wasn't amused.Oh fuckin well.

xoxo SJ at 9:25 AM.

Its like just now Nine, AM. My computer clock is 20 minutes off and I can't sleep. I want a cigarette. Im really glad that Im broke. Because it would be cigarettes and chocolate. Mmmyeap. Yummy. I worry you know. Too much I know. Im 19 and act like Im 40. Unless Im acting two. Sometimes they aren't mutually exclusive. Those are interesting times. I love Shaun I do. I really really do, but when he gets like this, its like talking to a brick wall. A very smoochable brick wall, but a brick wall nonetheless. I hate feeling this helpless. Ugh, I need a shower and sleep. But Im not likely to get either today. My tummy still hurts and Im cold. X_X Fuck Im whiny today.I've been working on my story but Im so blocked. I hate this, I feel so... unfabulous. Garg. My boyfriend is being a prat! *throws rotted food stuffs at him* My computer is being a tarty whore, and my mother is whining about her fucking tea. This is going to be a very shit day and Im going back to bed.

xoxo SJ at 9:00 AM.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Some Peoples Kids

Today, has been the day from hell. Im going on about two hours sleep for the third week in a row. I can't sleep because Im stressed and Im more stressed because I can't fuckin sleep. Anyway, got up, got online, talked to people for a bit, then got back off and showered, came back and talked to Laura. She scares me so much... I know she's probably reading this but its not anything I haven't told her. After Laura left for her second meeting of the day, Charity and I went on a walk, we walked down to the green belt river/run thing, then walked the belt, then cut through weeds and shit to get back to the nature walk, (which is about a mile from my house) walked THAT then headed home. I have blisters, and managed to get two slivers. Only me man...Came home, tried to log on to AOL, wouldn't work, pick up the phone to call and bitch somebody out because I'd taken care of the billing problem, find out theres no fucking dial tone. Mommy dearest didn't pay the fucking bill. *twitch* Go to my Moms classroom, call my Auntie, beg to use her credit card to pay it off, or at least enough to get it turned back on. I hate living like this. I hate that I have to watch Mom swallow her pills to know she did, I hate listening to her bitch at me because the house isn't clean when she never lifts a damn finger, I hate her bitching about my attitude when she always makes me feel small and unimportant. I really just... don't like her right now.Talked to my Chris AND my Shaunie tonight. So Im in a relitivly good mood. Though still sore from my walk. Things just seem so fucked up right now. And like... I can't do anything to change it, alter it, heal it.I feel helpless.

xoxo SJ at 4:23 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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