SUPERNOVA*

Monday, September 23, 2002

Tired and Grumpy

I didnt write yesterday did I? Jebus... I dunno... Im hurtin bad. Things have gotten really out of hand again, and Im feeling this huge urge to just give up and quit trying to help people. I mean... it isnt fair the way things happen you know? It isnt right....

Tristan and I arent talking, apparently I dont know him, I never did and hes shutting everyone out. He read this journal, and got really mad at me, I supose its his right, it doesnt really paint a pretty picture of him. The worst part is Ive hurt him more then I think Ally ever did. And in all honesty I was trying to avoid that. I never wanted to hurt him, ever. That was like.. the furthest thing from my mind, the whole time I thought I was protecting him... I guess I was just building up to this inevitable blowup and it hurts. I was so scared to tell him how I was feeling about life in general, because I thought I would lose him, so I didnt, I shut it all up inside me, but in the end I lost him anyway.

Missy is trying to start shit again. She's reading this journal I have on Kiwi and sending it to people and making me generaly feel like hell. The problem is she has her facts mixed up, shes telling them the wrong days, wrong things and in general lying. Then she makes this big long ass entry about how Im a bitch and I backstabbed her which isnt even what happend but whatever, if people choose to believe her then fuck um coz I dont need this shit. I mean its not worth it to hurt myself over that bitch. But at the sametime Im feeling pretty insecure right now with most of my realtionships becuase of the way things turned out with Tristan.

Mom and I went shopping today. I always go shopping when Im really upset. I just have to get out of the house and even if its just like a new lipstick I have to buy something. I totally did great tonight thou. We went to the mall and I got two new pairs of shoes, a new long sleave skaterish top with a glitter star on the front, and a pleather jacket. Im going through a preppy/punk phase. LoL I have to look preppish when I go into read with the kids, but after hours and on weekends its all about being anti-prep. I cant stand most preppy girls... Missy is the quintessential {sp?} Preppy Cheerleading Bitch. But according to Zack shes just a reagular ol' bitchy bitch. I dunno though, Zack would never out and out say it to her... I kinda wonder if he wasnt playing both ends.

My cousin Charity is moving in thursday, she'll get Gram's old room, WITH the master bath, dont think my nose isnt slightly out of joint at having to give that up. I LIKE having my own bathroom. I keep it neat and tidy just the way I like it, I have my candles and all my bath stuff just how I want it, and now Im being booted to the normal bathroom which is totally ewwie coz its Mums job to keep it clean and its SMALL. She likes it, but its hardly got room for us. I cant stand it. The only downside to the M.B. is it has carpet not tile so I have to vaccum it... like all the time. Its a bit ick.

My back and leg are killing me. And before Shar can start on me, Im going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I think I might have pinchted a nerve.... Bryan was talking to me online tonight... oh boy. I mean I thought you know.. we had just stopped talking and that was it and I was ok with that, I wasnt really sure how I felt about him in general. Then tonight he IMs me and we start talking and Im just like "I really dont need or want any crap tonight." and then hes like "Ok, so whats going on" or something, so I told him about Daivd, and I told him about Missy and I told him about not feeling good and just in general life sucking.

He was like "Ok hold on Im going to call you" so he DID. And I was amazed we talked from like 10-12 or so, and it was a really nice conversation. Hes convenced hes still in love with me and wants to take care of me and a bunch of other things, and was really nice, like concerened and stuff... sometimes.. I dunno its like hard to remember why we didnt work out in the first place.
For those that dont know, I dated Bry last winter. He was a very big part of my life. A very big controling underminding, hurtful part of my life. I had a friend who finally convenced me it was for the best to end it so I did. Then this summer I start getting calls from him, and letters telling me how much he loves me and how he misses me. I was scared to death to be close to him, to let him back in, so I put up walls, hedhurt me once and no matter how he apologized I believed he would do it again, and its been that way up untill tonight and now.. I dont know. I dont know that I can ever BE with him.. but I think we should be friends... but then I remember the parts of him that hurt me and I think I should be running as far and fast as I can.

David hasnt called again..... some part of me feels guilty, but I really dont understand what he was trying to prove. I mean... did he really think having his little girlfriend call me would make a diffence? Make me jealous? Make me want to be with him? It did exactly the opposite. It made me really angry at him for taking advantage of this child, and for taking advantage of me and then being a shit when he didnt like what I had to say. For a long time I was the one to deal with his shit. I looked after him, I watched over him, dealt with his suicide threats and picked upthe pieces when Kate would hurt him. I did all of that for him before we dated, and again when we finally were cool after our breakup. All the time dealing with Jessies problems coz i love that girl, worring Fox would get sick of me, trying to help everyone else, and on top of it all dealing with J drug addiction and my OWN shit. My own shit was always last and I kept waiting for time when I would be taken care of, but it never came, it never happend. At least not with David.

Ive never been taken care of by the people that I take care of. Like Fox doesnt want to rely on me for her own reasons, but I worry that in relying so heavily on her she will get sick of me and leave me. Part of me knows it isnt true, but there is this ugly hateful thing in me that says "your not worthy" and its hard. Very Very hard. I always thought, it would be easier to admit my weakness if the person I admited them to, not only needed me, but helped me too. That there wouldnt be the fear of "Im to much" or "He only needs me because I take care of him".....

xoxo SJ at 8:47 AM.

David had his 14 YEAR OLD girlfriend three way call me. He was very upset about the fight we had last night, I basicly called him a pedaphile and hung up on him. Its really sad. So then tonight he has her call me and was jabbering away I supose trying to make a point and I was like "You know David, if you didnt think this was wrong she wouldnt have gone from being your Girlfriend, to your friend with a title, when I yelled at you." And then he went on some tiraid about not being loved and a bunch of shit and I said "I think you do it for attention, because you know DAMN well your loved." and he said So "I guess its over then" and I was just like "Its been over for a hell of a long time" and Amy{the 14 year old} was like "you are a bitch" and so I went off about how I was sick of taking care of him and not getting anything back and watching out for him and picking up after him and now hes her mess. And then I hung up.

Im really pissed off at Mom for even taking the call! Its like I lie for her all the time when she doesnt want to talk to someone, but when I need her for my own sanities sake to lie shes like "No I cant do that" SO Im forced to talk to Bryan and Daivd, though this past week I must have PMS or something coz I finally got the guts to tell um both to go to hell. Im so sick of them. I really truely am. Its like enough is enough people

I sent out a mass email to my site members last night annoucing my departure and Tristan went ape shit. And was threatening to leave, he always does that when hes upset, so we had a long talk.. and I dont really feel like remembering right now. But at least it wasnt as bad as the times hes accused me of emotinally blackmailing him. He said I was a spoilt brat out to distroy the board because I could be with him, the truth of the matter is I thought I was doing the right thing.

I seem to be wrong about that a lot lately. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling him, I thought I was doing the right thing but just keeping it all locked away, I thought I was doing the right thing in telling Peter about Nichole, I thought I was right in leaving the board, I thought I was right in being able to go to Rei and tell him how badly Im hurt over this whole Cally thing, but I was wrong. Will used to say my selfsacrefice was fake, that no one could be that giving... I never thought I was fake... I thought it was real and true. But then he posted this
Have you people ever noticed that when Zu{Riley} makes a board it thrives? But when she leaves, everything goes with her. No one really seems to have anything of meaning left to say. I mean sure, we all have our ups and downs but you know guys, whenever Riley's around you just want to smile or laugh because she makes you feel all warm and fuzzie inside.
No one on this board should even think about taking her place, beacuse, although, they may be good at RPing and sh*t, nobody can ever fill her shoes. If Riley goes then this board just isn't worth going to anymore.

For those confused I am Riley on that site, anyway whatever I was just surposed... no bad suprised but... suprised. A fwe other people are all for looking for a replacement, and yea... I dunno Im feeling mixed about the whole mess I mean Tristan has a point, it isnt just that its Cally, I would more then likely feel this way with anyone, but... well part of it IS that its Cally. ::sigh:: ICKIES. Im just feeling Ickies today.

Im really tired all of a sudden... like I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for hours you know? Just dream the world away, and then maybe when I wake up I wont hurt so badly.
I feel bad Ive been unloading so much on Shar, Kirst and Annie. They all have so much in their own lives and I hate to think Im making it worse, but no doubt I am. I worry.. I know I shouldnt but I really do. Im not an easy person to be around you know?

My kitty is curled up on my feet playing with the frayed part of the hem.. what a weirdo.

xoxo SJ at 1:45 AM.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

And the Heart Beats On.

I dont know why it does. It seems to be such a cruel joke that a heart could continue to beat once its been broken. But it does, time marches on, the heart beats, and crying wont make it clean, tho you wish to god it could because it seems nothing will. Im told time is the greatest healer, but I seem to know not of the freeing relief time can bring. It seems to me, with time old hurts weigh you dont and break you... or they have me.

I talked to Cody... I cried, he came over. We just talked, sat out on the porch and he huged me shoulders a lot. He's really very sweet and caring... Its a bit like me and Ris in reverse. I honestly believe now that Cody thinks he loves me, but... you cant make a heart love somebody.....

You Can't Make A Heart Love Sombody(Steve Clark/Johnny MacRae)
At a table for twoWith candle light and wineThat diamond burnin' holes in his pocketsThinkin' now is the perfect time

When he popped the question he could seeThe teardrops fill her eyesShe said I knew this was commin' and I am sorryBut I hpe you realize

You can't make a heart love sombodyYou can tell it what to doBut it won't at allYou can't make a heart love sombodyYou can lead a heart to loveBut you can't make it fall
Then she reached for his handAnd said I want you to knowI've done everything that I know ofTo make this feeling frow

I've begged and pleaded with my heartBut there's no gettin' throughMy heart's the only part of meThat's not in love with you

xoxo SJ at 11:59 PM.

The Pain

Im so cold... so cold. Im shaking. Or its the pain talking. It could be the pain talking. I dunno I know it hurts like a mofo. I can hardly type. Rei and I were arguing.. he seemed dead set on putting me in my place. I think he.. I dont know. I know he doesnt understand how I can contradic myself. I say I take care of people. That I want to save everyone and everything, but in the same breath that I dont need saving. I dont need saving because... Fox is the first person to ever be so devotred to me she would try. I love Kirsten and all my Kiwibox friends, but I think in the end they didnt know how to help me anymore. I was really just scary and that was the end of it. They did all they could but... well in the end it just didnt work out that way did it?
Sometimes I think people call me strong, for the sake of having a role modle they can hold up. I dont want to be put on a pedistle. Its to high, and Im scared of hights. I dont understand how anyone could want to be like me at all. Im weak, and sappy, and over emotinal. I put myself in bad situations and continually hurt people I love by hurting myself. And they call me strong? How am I strong? Im nothing, Im nobody. Im dirty and my halo a tarnished silver. Im not strong, Im a coward. I hide my real feelings, the real me behind this mask of sugar sweet pep thats enough to turn Kathy Lee and Martha Stwart's stomaches. I am what every mother wants her daughter to be and what every father wants his son to marry. Though boys dont notice me as more then a chum or a little sister.

Ive watched people I love slip into the underword of drugs and hooking. People I loved more then life. I myself have been on occasion known to take pills. Though Ive always said its more to lose weight because Im horribly fat and ugly then to get high. Sometimes I felt like I couldnt go on without it... sometimes I felt like i was a weka bitch for needing it. Sometimes I threw them away and sat for hours rocking myself because I hurt so much.

I still hurt but no one sees, no one cares. The hoodies are back out, but they take at face value that Im "ok". That Im taking care of myself, eating as I should, living as a good girl would. They take for granted Im the angel they always knew I was. But inside... inside there is a crushing pain, inside I hate what I am. Inside Im dying, just a little more every day. Inside Im not really living but Ive been dead for such a long time Im not sure it matters. Inside Im not pretty.
I love him. I will always love him. I cant have him. He doesnt want me. So be it. But.. she is suposed to be my friend. She is suposed to know... she does know, Ive told her so many times, thats what hurts more then anything, all the times Ive told her how much I loved him and shes still flirting with him, she doesnt love him, she thinks its a game, but to him its real, to him its more then real.... And its killing me.... I keep telling myself I should just leave, that everyone will be better off if I leave, but... well it hurts to think of leaving. Ive worked so hard... and Im going to throw it away for this...My pain.

xoxo SJ at 11:44 PM.

YouKnowWho

Im talking to Rei about whats going on... suddenly I feel sick. It *could* be the Taco Time we had today, because I think they added extra grease to the food when they saw me pull up. But mostly I think Im heart sick. REALLY heart sick. My back is hurting too. I was running down the hall to get the phone, and fell, but I was ok that time, then I was moving Moms file thing, and it didnt want to be moved so I ended up in another assplant. Now I cant hadlt move.
But mostly I think Im just heart sick. Have you ever been heart sick? If you dont know what it is, the basic run down: So sad/depressed/lonley it makes you ill. Like seriously pukey sick. I only ate once today... Mi... good loord.

He send me the Email hes threatning to send Tristan. Im gonna copy and paste
To the Party whom is breaking my Sara's heartWAKE UP ya dumb fuck. I dont know where you think you get the right to treat her this way, but you better stop. I have watched her worry and grow pale waiting for you to see the light, I have watches her cut and starve herself trying to make herself forget.

You dont have any clue how bad it is. Did it ever occure to you that all the times shes said its ok, its fine, its no big deal, it was in fact NOT ok, NOT fine and WAS a big deal. You have no idea what shes going through and what shes looking at, you can say she didnt tell you all you want to sooth your troubled mind, but the fact is you never asked, never really realyl asked, its always been about you, what you need, where you need to go in life, the poor thing hasnt wanted to leave you. Right now you have to options, Grow up and be a man, the sort that deserve the frienship she gives you, or two get the fuck out coz your not gonna hurt her anymore.
If he sends that. I will die. Absolutly die. Tristan has no idea whats going on because I havent wanted to hurt him more then hes already been, I didnt want to use my pain, I... he accused me of emotinally blakcmailing him with my cutting once, I never wanted to give him that Amo again.

xoxo SJ at 5:32 PM.

Tears of fear and pain

Im listening to George Striat. Im an idiot. I wish Shar was on. Shes so great at distracting me...
I think youknowknow has a thing for Cally... and It makes me sick. Litterally sick. I love him so much, and its so obvious its not mutual, and I cant stop, so Im pulling away, but as soon as I make the decision to run, he PMs me telling me something awful has happend and he needs me. And I cant bring myself to walk away from him.

I thought... I thought Cody was the answer. I really did. I thought... I dont know.. god it hurts. Im like weeping, if Mom comes out Im going to catch hell. I cant believe its three am. How is it possible to feel so empty, so unworthy, so.... unloveable.

Oh god Collin Rye is on ::sobs:: "I Can Still Feel You"Remind me again it isnt me... please? Please remind me again its not in me its in them.. Ill believe you this time and remember I pormise... just tell me again because I dont believe yet...

Im such a weak idiot. How can I begrudge him the bit of happiness Cally can bring him? What kind of person am I to do that to him. He doesnt want me, why should he stop living because I love him and it hurts?

Maybe if i leave... maybe we will both be better off...

xoxo SJ at 10:28 AM.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit and I wonder.... just wonder random things run through my mind... Mum says I think to much, Im inclined to agree as of late. I miss being able to just... be but it seems lately everything is so... BIG, and sadly I never seem to know how to make it unbig.
Like this thing with Christina? Started with me looking out for someone I truely and deeply care about, trying to help a friend, now I have... this horrid awful person after me ALL the time. All because I care.

Ris and I are fighting, or... not talking, with walls and boundries and hurts between us I dont know that we can EVER fix. I love this kid with my whole heart. Not... in like the average teenage crush way, like I seriously love this kid. I love the way he thinks, the way he puts ideas together, his inane fear of hurting me and letting me be close, I love what be brings to my life, and the sadness that he seemed to take away when we became close... and I think all of that is gone now.

All this time.. Ive cared and tried to take care of him from where I am, not only pysically but mentally too, I am an affectionate person, I am the type of person who hugs her friends, and has been known on occasion to kiss a girl-friend hullo. Its how I am, not only that but how my friends are. Its how we are, its like... I would be so offended if I saw one of them and didnt get a hug, we never hesitate to say "I love you" Becuase no matter the meaning sometimes you just need to know your loved.

I used to be this way with Tristan. He would come to me, hurt, wounded, suicidle, over Ally. Saying he wasnt worth anything, that he didnt mean anything, that he was nothing, that there was no point in going on. Before I wouldnt have thought two seconds about saying "Tris I love you so much and I wish I could make this better, let me help you", and then start listing off the amazing things about him, like what he brings to my life, like the way I can trust him, like his amazing talent for avoiding confict at al cost, the way he draws, and the way he writes.

Before I could do that... but... now? I mean.. all of a sudden there are these walls, these huge ugly hateful walls. I dont know whats ok and whats not. I dont know if what I say is going to scare him or make him angry, I dont know if hes going to understand, when before I just took for granted he KNEW... knew how I felt, knew what he meant... i hate boundries.

I think about Cody too... I know the only reason Im with him is because... well... hes cute and a good kisser. But a good kisser does not a realtionship make. I needed someone to touch, to hold hands with, someone to hold me, someone to make me feel beautiful and feminine.... I needed someone to.. I dont know... I needed to feel the love im giving out being given back

The problem is, I tired to tell myself "I want you" meant the same thing as "I love you". In my naive 17 year old mind its very possible they mean hte same thing, in my heart, which seems much older then 17 I know its not true, not real, not anything.... which makes me sad that Cody really is just a pot head cowboy who knows how to kiss and looks great in a pair of wranglers.
Fox made me think... and I hate thinking becuase when I think I really relise how much trouble my non-thinking gets me into. If I dont end this with Cody, Ill be hurt more then I already am. I am one of those girls that would be stupid enough to fall in love when she started out toying with a cute cowboy.

I need more.. I need someone that isnt going to just be able to kiss me... I need someone thats going to stimulate my mind body and soul. I need someone I can TALK to. I think people my age dont know what the hell talking really is. Its sad too coz talking is such a great thing. I dont mean bullshit talk, I mean REALLY talking, really commuincating, finding a new facet of a person by the time your done.... that happens so rarely anymore.. But thats what I need... more importantly its what I want.

Im listening to country right now, that could be why Im being so "emotinaly refective" as Di would say. Its her nice way of telling me to stop thinking about it and get my cute butt out into the real world.... Ive made steps to detache myself from my "net" life. Im pretty sure I got that job, I mean Kim was the one who told Mom to have me come in, but I wont know for sure till Monday. Classes start soon, Im ready to go back I think... I need to, need to get away, be with my "peers" again, Lets face it, they are all at least 19+ but whatever I'll live. In someways it might be easier, I mean... I never got along with people my age anyway....

Thats one thing Tristan and I talked about. Ally lied to him about how old she was. She told him she was 18, shes hardly 16. He didnt want to see it when they were together, but he has spent a lot of time with my and my Foxie and Cal. He sees now how immature she is, and how *real* 17+ girls act. I mean Fox and Cal are both 18 I think, and Im 17 going on 50 according to everyone I know.

I think though, I amaze Tristan how immature I can be. How... like things that you would think wouldnt bother a "mature" person really bother me. Like the fact the world isnt fair. I KNOW its not logical, but I think the world SHOULD be a fair place.... I dont think it *is* but.. we should so look into it.

He told me again the other night I should be "doing somthing" with my talent. Frankly I dont know that I HAVE any. According to people Ive shown my work to its unstructured, inpassioned and full of gramical errors.... but then.... People like Shara, Fox, Cally, and Tristan tell me how beautifully I write..... It confuses me

Nialle once told me s/he'd jump on me if I never said I had no talent again..... god... thats the first time Ive talked about Nialle in a long time... I think its easier not to talk about or think about or deal with the regection I felt, sticktly from a friends view point when Nia started slipping away... I try to talk to B about it but her basic responce is "He did the same thing to me"
I know that she feels that way, and everyone tells me Im no sepcial case... but.. well the thing is, I really thought I was differnt, unless Nialle goes around telling everyone that they are the only people she can talk to, then I was differnt... I actually believe Im just like everyone else, and just caught her at weak moments when she needed someone... i havent really talked to Shim in.... god almost three months. I mean we say hi... but thats about it... it used to make me sad.. but then I got so caught up in Ris and what he needed that I pushed it away... maybe thats why I did it... becauses I needed someone to give that love and time to... its like... He was the cure, but what to do when the cure becomes the desease... no... Ris isnt a deisease... but... well you know what I mean right?

I havent been to bed yet... its 6:12... I was going to go to work with mom but... I doubt it. Anyway Im off... love you all heaps.

xoxo SJ at 7:23 AM.

Friday, September 20, 2002

Love?

Im stressed... so frigging stressed I could pull my facking hair out. blarg! Ok lets startwith this morning when Shara listened to me bitch and moan about Ris {thanks babes! You rawk!} Apparently hes taking a "break" from... I dont know. Hes just taking a break. Which so.. pisses me off.

He refuses to take a stand on this whole Christina issue, flat out refuses! He doesnt understand why that upsets me, so then he reads my Kiwijournal... and I dont know... I just... *sigh* m going to post the conversation so I dont forget...

Ris:Oh boy!I just read your journal.......I didn't realise how much I upset you. I'm sorry if I made you cry.Maybe I didn't want to realise because you've been such a good friend to me and I know I've leaned heavily on you after I broke up with Ally. I've needed you're support but I never wanted it to be at your expense.I didn't want to get involved in your arguement with Christina because it would have meant getting involved with her and Ally again. Something I don't need right now. I tried to help you as best I could and I still maintain that the best course of action would have been to ignore them and let the whole situation calm down.The thing that worries me most is that you seem to be talking about me like I'm your boyfriend - which I'm not. Normal friends don't get that upset with each other.Perhaps I've overstepped the boundary of friendship by relying on you too much and I realise that I need to distance myself from you before I cause you any more heartache.It makes me sad that Fox wants to kill me. I don't know what you've been telling people or what I'm supposed to have done wrong.I'm taking some time out from the boards - just for a while to try and get my head together.Take careTristanxxx

Me~::sigh:: this sucks ass. Firstly we are far from normal friends Tristan, and maybe I didnt explain it so well in my entry, BUT the reason I was so angry was because I HAVE been there so much for you and put myself in situations that I didnt need to be in to try and help you, the reason I was SO upset is because I WAS doing my best to ignor them, with people like that it doesnt work they keep on and keep on and keep on till they get a responce, I havent given one YET and now they are sending their f*ckwit friends after me.Fox is angry becuase I got upset, because I was angry and beucase she doesnt like anyone hurting me when its very preventable. I havent TOLD people anything that I havent said to you. Do you always run when things get hard?

Ris~Lately...yes

Me~Well.... STOP
I understnad running from people like Ally, and Ausin, I understnad that, but not me Tristan, we have been through way to much for you to just bail when things get hard.
AND another thing! Ok yes maybe it bothers me a little when we fight and you are a dick to me because I know if I was anyone else you wouldnt, you would keep your tongue in check and not say something you know is hurtful, but at the same time, I also understand that you need someone to be the punching bag for you so in a sick way its comferting to know you find that in me.
I happen to LIKE talking to you, and helping you, being there when you need someone. I happen to like being if not the only one of the only people you talk to about real things.
And I never thought friendships had boundries... I didnt think it worked that way. There is no halfway to me Tristan. And you cant just make lines when we hit rocky ground. Its not fair.

Ris~I'm not running away. I'm just frightened that...grr....I don't know...You're treating me like a boyfriend and I don't want that..

Me~Has anyone told you lately you need to invest in thearpy?! My god, if thats what your worried about, if youd open your f**king eyes my darling buddy boy, Im SEEING someone irl

Ris~Good. That's cool. I'm glad you've found someone.So we're just friends then?And you're not going to try to seduce me on the boards anymore?

Me~whatever. I think besides admin shit Im leaving the boards.

Ris~Hmmmm... I'm starting to find the boards a chore.
It seems to be nothing but aggro from people.
You get the odd 'fun' day when lots of people post and you start getting a good storyline going.But his seems to be getting rarer.I start to dread logging in to my board. 6pms! today but mostly good.I was talking to Peter yesterday because other members were complaining about his RP.Haven't really spoken to him before. I was going to try to talk to him about you and christina but he went offline before I had the chance.

Me~Im just tired of.. everything. I wont have time beisdes, with classes and then assuming Kim keeps her word Im I start work on Monday or Tuesday I really wont have time for anything... blerg Im just sick of everyone not getting what I mean or what I try to do, I dont like having to explain myself and I seem to be doing that a lot.Frankly Peter can f**k himself. I dont care. He isnt worth it. I only ever thought there was one guy that was worth taking so much shit for.. but I was wrong about that.

and that was the end... ::sigh:: Ive avoided talking about cody or work beucase I didnt want him to feel like I was abandoning him. I guess I shouldnt have.....

xoxo SJ at 5:46 PM.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

I have offical freaked fox out, which makes me feel awful. I hate upsetting her. Its like the worst thing in the world. She means so much to me. I seem to be upsetting a lot of people lately. Ris and I had a HUGE fight this morning. I wasnt very nice, I admit but.. jebus that boy pisses me off like no one I know!

I try to tell myself hes such a shit to me sometimes because he feels comfy showing all facets of his personality to me. But on a bad day when I already feel icky.... its so hard to take you know? He made me cry. He hates making me cry, he also doesnt like it when I call him a f*ckwit. Ahemm if the shoe fits wear it.

Maybe I am being unreasonable thinking he should stand up for me. Maybe just becuase I have taken a stand and stood my ground for him doesnt mean I deserve the same. He says she isnt worth it, but what it feels like hes saying is "YOU arent worth it" I know that isnt fair but thats how it feels.Latest update Satan and Christina had one of their stupid friends IM me and try to start crap. At first I thought it was my ex's ex-girlfriend Kaite {if you can follow that you get a cookie} It seemed like the sort of name she would have you know? Anyway when I figured out who she was and what she was doing I blocked her. But Im getting right sick of this shit.

I *could* go ot Tia, Annie, Kirst, Jer, and Tim, to come up with some wicked plan for revenge, but one, the gang approch isnt my style and two I dont LIKE being a bitch. Ris said "Dont be horrid, I dont like it when your horrid" I think he feels that way because Im never horrid so the fact that YES I know how to be a bitch, and I KNOW how to get what I want the mean way scares him. Im not the type.

Fox wants to kill him. She is really sick of me being upset over him... I guess.. I dont know... grr I feel weak. Like I should be able to control this you know? He admits he relies heavily on me, he admits sometimes it can be to much, but I dont want to change it. I LIKE the way we are.... I like that he comes to me, I like that he needs me, I like that I make him smile, and help him when hes havng a rough time.

Anyway new subject I got to talk to Shara today!! I was so happy! I waited around most of the morning after I got up*coughnoon* for her but I think we kept missing eachother. Bummer, but then tonight we both logged on! We talked for hmm I dunno almost an hour, this woman amazes me, shes come through so much and is continuing to try to live her life. She has a strength I dont think she knows is there. There are times when I read her journal or in our conversation that Im like "Good Lord is she in my head?!" She paints, hehe I want to be a painter but uuuhh all I can paint is drips.

I talked to Nicole too, shes awsome. LoL She was asking how much of her journal I read.... ummmm the last two entries! Opps! LoL Im working my way back tho! Oh boy, shes a lot like me too... only me before I got help, which thou the last few days hasnt been evidant I AM seeing a very good doctor, hes in Germany, or Poland or Sweeden, I forget where all his vacation was taking him. I thought it sounded so cool tho. Touring Europe on his Motorcycle. >_<

Umm I think I just compared myself to Hitler... o.0 this is what lack of sleep does to my brain. I think I was trying to make a point and failed miserably OPPS

o0 Mizu Chan 0o: meh not really just one of those things... I think I love him to much sometimes
Fox: erg... tristan again?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: lol who else?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Maybe I am being unreasonable thinking he should stand up for me. Maybe just becuase I have taken a stand and stood my ground for him doesnt mean I deserve the same. He says she isnt worth it, but what it feels like hes saying is "YOU arent worth it" I know that isnt fair but thats how it feels.
Fox: oh, p~shaw... it has nothing to do with you deserving... cuz you deserve all this world has to give...
Fox: second, he night not want conflict...
Fox: *might
Fox: and that's it...
Fox: or he really IS chicken shit
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: he IS chicken shit
Fox: but you're deserving anything doesn't come into question
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: it feels that way sometimes tho
Fox: lol you know what? for the longest time i was convinced that i didn't deserve to be with rei...
Fox: i lucked out...
Fox: but no...
Fox: it isn't like that...
Fox: people don't ever deserve bad things to happen to them...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: ::sigh::
Fox: just like they don't NOT deserve good things...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: what about Hitler, Stalin, and Musaleni?
Fox: what about them?
Fox: they weren't always twisted
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: the point IS they were bad people and deserved bad things to happen to them
Fox: hitler was bitter
Fox: no...
Fox: abby, you're wrong...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: hey now there isnt anything WRONG with bitter people
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Im bitter.
Fox: no one deserves bad things to happen to them... and i would hardly compare you to any of those crazy dictaors anyway...
Fox: no but hitler
Fox: fed on his bitterness
Fox: and made others do the same
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: he was a closet gay.
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: seriously
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: anyway I was *trying* to make a point
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: and I faild miserably
Fox: lol tell eva braun that
Fox: i see...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: hullo? have you never heard of a beard?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Lots of gay men use wives/girlfriends as a cover
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: my best friend in 5th grade's dad did
Fox: lol really now?
Fox: well, anyway...
Fox: hitler's sexuality is even less of an issue here...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: lol I know i was trying to distract you
Fox: lol and failed miserably?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: yes! grr lol

And that is how Hitler and I tie in the the same conversation.... I TOLD you I needed sleep and thearpy!

xoxo SJ at 5:27 PM.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Recap

The title says it all doesnt it? ::sigh:: I swear to god my self distructive streak is getting bigger. Here are the detials on my entryless days, {I made entires in my Kiwi Journal lol}

Friday Night
I was talking to Trin at like.. 8:00ish and shes like, "Adam and I are going on the cruise tonight you should come along, we havent got to hang out in forever and I miss you." So in record time I had my shower, hair done and clothes fount by 8:45. She came at like 9:15 and we left for Ontario. First we ran by the skate park but her boyfriend Adam wasnt there and we were bosred so we drove up to the mall and ran into her ex who was like "What I dont even get a hug??" And then we left there and drove down to "Hick Corner" and saw Casey and Stormy. It was so funny! They were all yelling at cars and shit then we drove back ot the skate part to see Eli.

Eli has an icky girlfriend who is a slut. No to ways about it. I never really liked her when we were in school either shes just dirty. Anyway he looked so good yall. Just so... god i dont know he has these great arms... and his lips are still sooo kissable... he didnt even say hi to me.. I wanted to cry but I didnt. Then we went and sat with Sarah and Beato talking about what was going on and that they are both really sikc with hte flu or something... I dont know why they were out is f they're sick BUT lol they were. God it felt so good to see them!

Then Trin showed Sarah how to drive stick and I thought we were going to die, then they had to go to the bathroom but hte ones at hte skate part were NASTY, so we drove to the gas station and then back by "Hick Corner" But Case had already left and Stormy wasnt back yet. So we drove over to Fiesta and met Adam friend William, OMG SOOOOO cute. LoL Hes a clean cut hispanic guy, his dad own the place and he looked so cute in his little waiters uniform. Anyway I met him and hes a cutie, then we went back and talked to Stormy.

We finally got back ot hte skate park and Kristy was screwing around with her Boyfriend in his truck so we are all pretty pissed off at her coz its just not right that she would shun us for a guy, we've never done that to her. Sarah was like ready to cry. Sarah is a tough little shit and NEVER cries but she wanted to tonight. She thought Trin was putting her on or something. Anyway, tomorrow I have Gram's B-day and then we should get home around 9ish at night and Trin and I will go out again hopefully. Ive seriously missed the "group" shit we did.

Saturday
We went to Grams early 85th B-day Party. And I procedded to get shit faced because I cant stand my family, and it was there. between caroline and I we knocked back two bottles of wine, some champain and a couple shots and of course BEER. I dont really line beer.. its bitter bitter, but wine is pretty good lol or what *they* had was, anyway needless to say I didnt go out that night and then slept till noon on Sunday, and Im STILL hung over. I feel ill.

I shouldnt drink... it makes me a bad roll model.. and I was just like so.. I dont know I just didnt want to deal. I swear to god Gram actually said "If youd lose weight youd almost be pretty" Crazy old woman. Shes talking about a CNA having sex with her pratically comitose roommate, but she doesnt think the roommate is comitose she thinks the roommate makes perfect sense... sinility... very scary.

And then I got a bunch of shit for not having a "real" job. Im just like whatever pass the wine.... Im a very complant drunk apprently. I was even really DRUNK i mean I remember everything and I wasnt giggling or falling down, but Fox and I got into it when I got home coz she hates that they get to me.. ::sigh::

Sunday
Went with Mum to work, fixed her computers, ran papers, and watched MTV in her classroom. I really didnt DO anything, I chatted to Rei for awhile but it was pretty random. Not anything really important. Mom and I couldnt get along for the life of us, finally I took the keys and went home telling her to call me when she wanted to me pick her up... then I took the phone off the hook... I know its evil but I was hung over and felt like shit. I didnt need to hear from her what a screw up I am.

So that catches you up on my weekend, Monday I didnt do anything, just laundry and stuffs......

Would you say I was an egotistical fat ass ho who tries to make people fall in love with her just to toy with them? Christina said the former, and Tristan has implied the latter many times and I just.. I mean... DO you think I am? I mean be honest, I can trust you all to be honest right? You wouldnt like just lie to make me feel better... would you? Normally I would tell him to fuck off or cry and make him feel bad, and just ignor her.. but after all the shi with my family... I know you dont get why I care... I just do.

On the topic of Eli, Trin now says he isnt good enough for me and there has to be someone out there better then a gehtto pinp wanna be with a skez of a girl, If I knew all the places hes been I wouldnt want him.... Aulus isnt talking to me. Normally Id say fuck it but I really liked this kid, he was sweet and funny, even if he WAS a pot head. Christina doesnt even LIKE him. She just.. I dunno, its like so weird, I start talking to a guy, flirting and now they are together? That is soo frigging wrong. Almost as wrong as Lynn* liking Ris*{*=name change} she doesnt even KNOW him you know? Very few people really know him, and NO one knows him like I do. I love that kid so much. Hes like so... I dont know. Hes not perfect by any stretch of hte imagination, but in his imperfections, in his ugly side, I find myself caring about him more becuase he can show it to me. Once I told him "Me? I always thought I would be something, Idont know special, but I wasnt, not till I met you, and then, in you needing me, in you feeling safe with me, I became someone very special." He cries at my poetry, laughs at my jokes, calls me his best friend, and I am so in love with this kid.

::sigh:: Im so sick. I couldnt over indulge in liqour tonight so Im gorging on cake, icecream, and frosting, I dont even care either... its like blarg lol Im out to prove my family right you know? Like its to frigging scary to try and break out... good luck getting Eli or Ris to notice me NOW right? Blarg fuck um eh?Im so tired... idont even know why... blarg. Im not even talking to anyone who would make me tired.. Mizza is soo hooking up with Nick tonight... I think thats why Im beign a bitch Im worried about that girl, she was like 'Im on the pill chill"' she doesnt get how I can still be worried?!!!! Jebus christ child gonna turn me grey! Shes one of the few members of my Dads family I can stand, tho I more then stand her, I love that girl shes the greatest. We both call eachother sobbing all the time over stupid ass boys and then eat ice cream together and feel better.

Fox and I get so agrivated with eachother, we are both to stubborn, we are so much a like, but still so differnt, its really weird sometimes I look at myseld and wonder what she sees. I dont see the me she does. I sit there and try to tell her all the wrong things, all the bad things I see and shes like "huh what are you talking about? Your perfect. You the most kind and caring person Ive ever met" She loves me for the same reasons I love her, we never give up on eachother. Its like... she is so devoted to me, but she feels that way about me. Like that I am so unwaveringly devoted to her it blows her mind... but I kinda feel there is no half way in any friendship........

xoxo SJ at 5:16 PM.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

Entry 3

Hey yall! Well Im feeling much better. My back only hurts a little and I had the greatest do nothing night! LoL I was talking to Trin at like.. 8:00ish and shes like, "Adam and i are going on the cruise tonight you should come along, we havent got to hang out in forever and I miss you." So in record time I had my shower, hair done and clothes fount by 8:45. She came at like 9:15 and we left for Ontario. First we ran by the skate park but her boyfriend Adam wasnt there and we were bosred so we drove up to the mall and ran into her ex who was like "What I dont even get a hug??" And then we left there and drove down to "Hick Corner" and saw Casey and Stormy. It was so funny! They were all yelling at cars and shit then we drove back ot the skate part to see Eli.

Eli has an icky girlfriend who is a slut. No to ways about it. I never really liked her when we were in school either shes just dirty. Anyway he looked so good yall. Just so... god i dont know he has these great arms... and his lips are still sooo kissable... he didnt even say hi to me.. I wanted to cry but I didnt. Then we went and sat with Sarah and Beato talking about what was going on and that they are both really sikc with hte flu or something... I dont know why they were out is f they're sick BUT lol they were. God it felt so good to see them!

Then Trin showed Sarah how to drive stick and I thought we were going to die, then they had to go to the bathroom but hte ones at hte skate part were NASTY, so we drove to the gas station and then back by "Hick Corner" But Case had already left and Stormy wasnt back yet. So we drove over to Fiesta and met Adam friend William, OMG SOOOOO cute. LoL Hes a clean cut hispanic guy, his dad own the place and he looked so cute in his little waiters uniform. Anyway I met him and hes a cutie, then we went back and talked to Stormy.

We finally got back ot hte skate park and Kristy was screwing around with her Boyfriend in his truck so we are all pretty pissed off at her coz its just not right that she would shun us for a guy, we've never doe that to her. Sarah was like ready to cry. Sarah is a tough little shit and NEVER cries but she wanted to tonight. She thought Trin was putting her on or something. Anyway, tomorrow I have Gram's B-day and then we should get home around 9ish at night and Trin and I will go out again hopefully. Ive seriously missed the "group" shit we did.

Im really dready tomorrow, its like... ewww lol. I love my famiyl but they drive me insane, I should really get to bed so I can get up and be nice to them... I love um but... its like.. they dont understand what "I DONT want to talk about it" means Anyway I love my cousins girlfirends kids so it will be good. God its hot here tonight and its making the river smell ewwwww and MSN isnt working because one of the servers down they suck! LoL. BTW if you need to get a hold of me:
AIM: o0MizuChan0o
MSN: Sassysuzy12@hotmail.com
Email: AmathystPixie@aol.com

NO icky forwards please?

xoxo SJ at 5:15 PM.

Friday, September 13, 2002

Bryan and David make me ILL!

GRR!!! ::kicks really stupid boys named David and Bry:: I really can NOT stand it anymore....

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im like "ummm hullo? Im 17!!! AND I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU"

I really thought we had this strightend out LAST time. Its like... Im staying Daivd's friend because he NEEDS a friend like me.. but Im sorry i cant cry anymore over him. I cant put myself though hell because he doesnt know how to deal with realitly! I loved that guy so much... it consumed me you know? Like.. was everything I everwanted, he threw me away.. Ive stiaed his :best friend: but it isnt good enough.. he always wants more and more and more... and I really just cant give anymore then I already have you know? I men Im hardly holding on sometimes but no one sees that because its always "Sara can you-?" "Sara will you-?" "Sara I need-" "Sara You have to-"Im tired of being everything to everyone. I was better off when I was suicidle and alone!

xoxo SJ at 5:13 PM.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Long Entry Wee!

I just got done talking to Mom... you know its the first time in months we've really talked... I mean where I felt she actually listened and heard what i was saying, and even if I couldnt walk away with answers I could walk away feeling understood.... What is it you may ask my lovely mother and I tlaked about? My writing. For a very long time now... even before I left at Poetgirl16 I was scared to death to lose my talent. I have for a very long know that to create I had to be suffering. I had to be in pain, out of my mind, scared, sick... God had given me a gift, the pirce is that I must suffer to use it... he has made me the gift of suffering.

I hadnt writen anything in months... nothing it was all.. CRAP... just mush nothing tangable, nothing realy, just fluff, then the other night with Tristan, the worry the pain, the sick, the words flowed form me, spilled forth in a very poetic motion, and I relised that without hte gift of suffering my talent is nothing more then a flicker in the wind. you have to understand for the last four years... writing is the thing that has saved me... tho.. did it really? Or was it cursing me, was I looking for reasons to suffer though the pain... being a writer is who i am. How could I be a writer if I didnt suffer... I am troubled by this.

I wonder... does it really stop here? Does it really end now? At 17 before I'd started? Before my first book, before I became a voice for the pained youth of a nation? Before I could tell the world of its evils and pains of being the perfect one, of never messureing up... before I could speak out to girls who suffer as I did, beofre I could make a differance.... is it really over?

I am secure now... I have so many tride and true friends, and a beautiful amazing serogate in Momma, I have Kirsten, and Miriam, Tiff... and all my other little Kiwis... I have Fox and Cally, Rei and Trist. I have Jesise... and just so many people... Gabi and B.. Mina... all who love nad trust me, and with there love and trust the gift of suffering was lifted.... when it was lifted, my will to die was lifed, and when that was gone... all that remained are hte notebooks ot edit... the spelling to correct... reading old poems used to ignight a fire in me that could burn till god knows when... now they bring a tear and are put away.

Ive tired my hand a fiction.. but again... suffering is writing, I started a story about a girl, in a place she didnt belong, didnt need to be, and a love that carried her way, I will have to post it sometime. Its a short story I thought Id make into a long one, but once the end came I couldnt get back in, it was all to much, but in writing the story of this abusded girl I found myself reliving so many hateful things in my past, one part, the fight scene nearly killed me, I was plae as a sheet and twice as shakey, I slpet for 20 stright hours when I finished that part. Just curled up in a little ball and wept till I couldnt anymore...

EDIT
My serogate {what I call Sonya who totally mothers me ;-) love you momma} Was talking about suffering beng the easy muse.. the easy way... and in a way shes right... and Im also to hard on myself.. but its like god... just once you know? To not suffer for my gift and be able to write... ::sigh:: Annie once told me I could make pain shocking and beautiful... but now... well... yea. Im a little depressed today... nothing horrible or vile just like down you know? Gah I hate being broke its the most annoying thing in the whole frigging word >_< ARG! I wish Kirsten hadnt talked me into going back to Kiwi. I cant frigging stand Missy. Its driving me nuts. She's subbied to my journals and showing people what I write which right pisses me off. Its like... ok.. these people dont even know about my journal there you know? They dont know what write, I write it for my friends there that miss me and are worried for me. Its a place to vent, and she goes and shows people..and yes I know being angry about this is STUPID... I dont care ::pouts::Im so tired right now... I was up till oneish *trying* to write, and I got nuttin, but Im feeling a *little* inspired.... only a little... anyway Chris thinks that if I just let it simmer everything will be fine... I however do not believe this... me and my need for my own opion! Damn nonconmormist streak! o.0I WANT A CIGGIE DAMN IT.

xoxo SJ at 5:03 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

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Playlist

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