SUPERNOVA*

Monday, June 20, 2005

Feeling edgy.

I don't really know why.

I mean there isn't a reason for it I suppose... its just a feeling that seems to be occurring more frequently.

I picked up Little Alters and Divine Secrets today at the library. They're not heady, or deep, or life changing. They're not Votre, or Bacon or Locke or James. But they appeal to something deep seeded in my little black heart, something that still beats... something that wants to be a perfect Southern Lady. Something that I can't place a pragmatic finger on.

I got nostalgic today. Was rather sad really, pulled out my old paper journal, reading over the summers before, I got to thinking about Bsie, and Jay, and Laura, and all of our marvelous plans. I thought about Kath and Kirsten, Miriam and Emmy Rose... there were so many things... so many people in my life I've just... left behind... that have left me behind.

I'll always love Kirsten, and sometimes we email one another with life updates, but three years ago if you had asked I would have told you she would be my maid of honor, standing with Miriam and Annie at the end of the aisle.

Sometimes I think I'm very good at letting go of people... and even better at pushing them away, making myself really hard to love.

I never thought I would get to the point that my feelings didn't matter to Jay, I mean its not anything about her, its me. Like I'm sure because I haven't been around she just thought I wouldn't care... and maybe its not even about the site, maybe its about the fact that she just didn't include me. And that’s just stupid and selfish.

I think I’m just feeling really lonely right now. The people I've been with for the last nine months are gone, and the people that cared about me before can't be a part of this now. Shaun has a life, and it's weird when we talk anyway, Laura.... I think she told me something about a job at a resort? I haven't spoken to Kath since... before Grandma died, Aly is off being brilliant, and I'm so happy for her, Amber and I don't talk at all, or really like one another, I don’t think she's even on my AIM list anymore. Bsie is insanely busy, and well she should be because she’s an ickle teenager and should be testing the waters of the big world. I haven't spoken to Gabi in months, or Brit, I forget the last time I darkened Nialle's Internet door step (so to speak), I remember it went badly. I talk to Kate some, but she's busy having just graduated. Everyone has their own lives, and we just don't match up anymore.

I don’t think it means we love one another any less- perhaps with the exception of the way Nialle feels about me. >_<, it just means we have different lives on different paths now. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time.

I could be PSMing like a motherfucker too. That could explain a lot of the lonely/nostalgic feeling. Really the only person I have steady contact with is Patti, which is good, because without her I would feel completely useless. Something about knowing she's out there and cares, and misses me as much as I miss her makes all this a little easier.

We're going to see The Sisterhood tomorrow. I cannot WAIT. Though everyone tells me its no where near as good as the books. They said they changed Kostos too. THAT pisses me off. Anyway I should bail.... does anyone even read this rubbish?

I wonder.

xoxo SJ at 12:34 PM.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Missing Missing

Wow... I never write here. Ha I dont write in my paper journal anymore either.

I suppose its coz I have nothing to say really.

Made it through finals, got my head out of my ass, but not before almost going to bed with Timmy

It was about that time I stopped drinking.

Timmy's a sweet kid... but he needs to bathe.

Im not on Jay's friendlist anymore.

Thats sad.

Anyway.

Mom is going to Yellowstone without me.

KD is back in Cali

Lesley is never home

So Im on my own most of the time.

Don't really mind.

Waiting to hear back from Blockbuster, Joltz and Juice, and a couple other places.

Might nanny for an old friend.

Wendy called, she wanted me to go to chruch.

Is it a bad sign I screen all of my calls and only answer three or four of them?

I love these people.

Really.

But I need a break.

I went to the cemitary the other day.

It hasn't gotten any easier.

It will someday.

Maybe if I stay away longer.

Anyway there isn't a lot going on right now. I haven't talked to any of my old online friends in ages.

I think I talked to Laura the night after I missed the end of the year banquet.

oh yea.

I won "Out Standing Speech Student of 04/05".

*twirls sparklers*

I miss Patti.

And Laura

And Jay.

But I rarely admit to the latter because it can be misconstrued.

I miss my writing buddies.

I joined a GJ rp with Patti though so I still get to talk to her sometimes.

Things should be better once I have access back at the house.

Mom hasn't needed it because I took the computer with me to school but now that I'm home I'm setting it up tomorrow or the next day.

I need Juuuuice.

I miss D. too.

She went on a roadie through the great North West, which actually means she's really close, but really far because she never gets online time.

She'll be back soon.

Yey!

I luff that girl.

Saw my sister last week.

I think Dad finally got it right with her.

My older sisters are pretty, I'm smart.

Katie seems to be all three.

She's also becoming a cheerleader.

This is actually a good thing.

She caused me no end of worry since Emmit's death.

I think she finally realized that forgiving him would set her free in a sense.

We're still working through it, but she's doing better.

Now if I can just get her past the whole Tyler thing life will be good.

He's a pathetic little fuck.

Grr.

Anyway I have to bolt.

Maybe I'll update again.

xoxo SJ at 12:33 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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