SUPERNOVA*

Monday, November 29, 2004

Self depreciating bullshit

There is something in the air that makes today, above all other days hurt. I don’t know what’s up with me lately, but it’s like the littlest things make me cry. I’m hanging on by a thread and nothing is working out alright. My nerves are raw and I’m feeling more alone with each day that passes. Part of me wants to give it all up, trudge back home to mommy and give myself up to the carnage that is known as self medicating mutilation.

I yelled at Aly last night. I blasted her for being the poser that she is, pretending to give a fuck when all she ever ever did was talk about herself and her problems and never once lifted a finger to help herself. I’m so sick of people like that. Ive been busting my ass and all I get is a “you have to try harder” “your best isn’t enough” “why can’t you be more (fill in the blank)”.

I don’t know why I can’t be perfect ok? I don’t know why I can’t be happy like Kadie, or pretty like Kadie. I don’t know why I can’t be smart like Charity, or have perfect hair like Willow. I don’t know why I can’t deal with my life. I don’t know why no matter how much I give you all seem to want more.

I give alright!

I’m a bad, horrible, fucking nasty ass piece of shit alright? I couldn’t keep Shaun from cheating on me, I couldn’t keep Kenneth interested, I couldn’t love Clare enough, I couldn’t fix Bryan or David or Cyrus. I wasn’t good enough alright?!

Its not like I don’t fucking know man.

It’s not like I don’t see it every fucking day when I look in the mirror.

It’s not like I don’t wish I could be anyone but who I am.

It’s not like I don’t hate myself more then you ever could.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to be more.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to be perfect.

I’m just no good enough ok?

xoxo SJ at 10:49 PM.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Crazy Beautiful

Things are insane here. Gran had a stroke, Im freaking about classes and... I think... I might... have.. maybe... met someone. Maybe. WIll not jinx it.
Ciao

xoxo SJ at 10:48 PM.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Hidden Agenda

I spent the majority of last week with Mom. I don’t know why but suddenly life just seems so fucked up right now. I love my friends to death, really I do, but I just needed a place where I felt safe in my own skin again. Somehow even in the dorms I feel like I have to pretend. Im not free to really be myself. I have to be this certain way, I have to be happy and bright and bubbly and right now that hurts. It hurts more then anything in the whole world having to pretend to be happy and content when at the heart of it I feel completely worthless of really being happy.

Sunday I had a break down. Mom and I were talking and I asked her if she thought Id gained back the weight Id lost the first two months I started seeing Dr. Raider. She told me she didn’t know, but she’d be surprised if Id lost anymore. I don’t really know why but my whole world seemed to fall apart in that moment. Things Id bottled up for so long just broke out and I told her that I went around constantly feeling worthless, and that no matter what, even if she and my family loved me it wasn’t enough because the first thing people see when they see me is the fat, the disgusting flab. It doesn’t matter how one trusses it up, its still there. Still disgusting. Still a part of me.

xoxo SJ at 10:47 PM.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Ayiiiii

I’m a mess, but apparently a loveable mess. Went to Ash’s last night, she fed me because I couldn’t eat at dinner. I don’t know WHY but the thought of eating at five yesterday made me vomit. Was not fun in the slightest. I think I’ve got a bug or summat. Been listening to Garbage and Rage for the last couple days, with a bit of Puddle mixed in for good measure. I’ve been fucking off in my classes and its going to bite me in the ass. Bah.

I miss them more then anyone could possibly know, I miss having someone there that just knew how to deal with me, just knew, even when I was crazy that there was someone worth loving under there. I don’t feel safe here, I don’t feel safe to be me, to be hurt, to be angry, to be anything but this fucking little pink loving peppy… thing. I could add more adjectives but it would serve little purpose right now. It’s all self depreciating.

Shaun wants me to hand over Beaux. Somehow that makes me angry. I don’t know why exactly except that it was mine, someone took it away, and then when Jay tried to rebuild it, they took it away from her and gave it to me. She put a shit load of work into it, and then he and Aly were just like “She’s not you, it won’t be the same” and now he’s asking to run it while I’m out on leave? What the fuck. I still think they were all just fucking pussy hurt that Jay had standards that Aly and Amber didn’t meet.

And heres another point I’m sure he would love to argue, but without Jay and I, there’s like three people that would post anyway, and one of them can’t write for shit and so the plot lines crapped out would be pathetic at best. And while we’re one the subject of bad writers, he thinks the whole point is that wed introduce new members, but the members he seems to find cant string four sentences together. Ugh! I have class. I’m going

xoxo SJ at 10:46 PM.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitchy Bitch

I had a break down this weekend. I called Mom at four in the morning sobbing because I was beyond sure I was going to amount to nothing; that I would never be anything but a failure. I talked to Trisha and talking to her usually brings about these feelings, which is why I don’t do it. I keep thinking we’re both in this hateful cycle, and we won’t ever get out. It scares me to my core this constant thought I keep having is nothing will ever change, I will never escape, never mount to anything, never have anything of my own.

This all comes to pass due to our never ending apathy. Its everywhere in our generation, sure we get outraged, indignant, but we ever myself included (and people like Jay excluded) take action. Take for instance the fact that our bathrooms have been nasty with garbage on the floor, piss on the seats, and flooded toilets for like a week now, we’ve all bitched to each other, but not one of us has gone to the RAs or the Res. Life office and complained. We never took action, we just bitched. I don’t want to be this way, don’t want this life but don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to really change. It scares me, shakes me to more core. I feel like I have no future.

Then the panic sets in, and it’s all I can do to keep my cool. I spend more time fighting off panic attacks then any super neurotic space case should. I miss feeling like I have it all together but every time it feels like life is going right something jerks it away and I feel completely useless and unworthy of anything- be it love or success. Getting like this scares me; I don’t even know how to deal with me when I get like this. It’s rather pathetic when you can’t even stand yourself and want to avoid your own thoughts.

I had to call mom the other night because it got so bad. She however finds it hard to believe I don’t know my own worth. I don’t know why. It’s not like this is a new thing. I don’t think she ever realized the damage Grandma did to me when I was younger. The needling comments, the never feeling good enough, no matter how hard I worked I was always just short of being good enough in her eyes. The only thing I ever wanted was to be good enough for her, for my dad, to just… be good enough to be loved. I suppose it all goes back to if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Kadie and I seem to have worked things out. At least we’re talking normally again. I don’t know why, but the fact she and Willow were spending so much time together gave me the feeling I was dispensable. Like I didn’t really matter because suddenly these two people I’d really invested in had each other that meant they wouldn’t need me anymore. I don’t know where these thoughts come from- only that they sound disturbingly like something my Grandmother used to tell me and I don’t know how to deal with that.

xoxo SJ at 10:45 PM.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Is there anybody out there?

I don’t think anyone even reads this anymore. Bleh. I feel like hell. Drew and I got into the other night and it was like such a slap in the face, I suddenly realized that no matter what I do nothing ever really changes. In the last month I’ve come to this place where I hate everything about me again, where I’m constantly looking into the mirror and seeing how I’m not good enough, not smart enough. The night of the fight mom came to get me because I couldn’t deal with being there anymore. I was a mess and she forced me to go home because she thought I would do something stupid. Its not even so much Drew as everything that lead up to that moment.

I had to apply for a unsubsidized loan, even with that I still owe the school $500, I haven’t been awarded work study, and I can’t seem to find a job. Like seems to be falling apart right now, and that old familiar pain of just getting my bearings and having the world ripped out from under me. I’m bloody miserable and slipping fast into this pit of despair. I miss Jay so much it hurts and every time I try to email her I get a message back saying it couldn’t be delivered. My finger still hurts and has now moved to the oozing puss phase, as well as peeling. It’s so gross.

I thought about it again, last night, before I went to sleep. It all seems too easy in the back of my mind, to just do it and get it over with, Mom would hurt of course, but in the end it would be better for her since I’m to blame for all of her financial problems anyway. And it’s not like anyone else would really notice. I’ve been absent for awhile now, and none of them really seems to care. I mean I’m sure they miss me but… it would be sort of like that song that you love when it first comes out then it slowly dies away.

Super Nova, all burned out.

xoxo SJ at 10:44 PM.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Tired of the lies

I’ve had a very long rather stressful day. Our bathroom is fucking nasty, and it’s all because of fucking dumb ass LC and her little friends who go in piss all over the seat, flood the toilet, puke in the fucking SINK, and don’t flush! There have been like five times in the past week and a half that I’ve gone in there and come up with my pant legs soaked in nasty ass shit.

Then to top it off, last night I went to take a shower and our hot water heater was out, I didn’t realize this- because when I checked it, it was fine, I step under the water faucet, and I get a fucking face full of ice cold water. What the fucking fuck!!!!

Then today my curtain rod almost came down on my head, I have a blister, my finger is still fucking sore as hell, I’m tired and grumpy and feeling gross. I hate this shit man. I feel like I’m back in high school and nothing I do is fucking good enough.

My cuts are healing alright... but I’m still thinking about it. I don’t know why. I don’t know what really going on with me except that I’m in pain and I hate this. I need… I need something. I’m just feeling worthless right now. I’m just so tired of everything. I need... to get out for awhile I think I’m so tired of the he said she said bullshit.

xoxo SJ at 10:43 PM.

Monday, November 01, 2004

fucking fuckity fuck fucks

It’s been a very long couple days. Saturday Kadie and I were supposed to go to the Haunted House; I was also going to attempt a tarot reading but that sort of fell through when she decided to blow me off to go get drunk with Jake. I’m not mad exactly… not exactly anyway. I was really more hurt then anything, so I went home, did laundry, played with the kittens, and not a whole lot else. I really have no life you know. I did however get almost all my shit caught up. Math is almost done, and now I’ve got to find shit on Greek culture for my Ethnic Studies paper. Can you tell I’m really excited about that?

In other happy news, my finger has now swollen to twice its normal size, and I’m on antibiotics, because apparently I can’t even bite my nails without getting sick. Fucker hurts like a bitch and taking notes in Hampshire’s class was a bitch today. As was Gills class. We’re watching a movie about Jason and Medea. On a happy note I’ve almost finished my Goddess Creation Myth. Wooot!

Kadie is supposed to meet me in the computer lab soon *crosses non-sore fingers* its too freaking cold to walk back now man. Bleck. I’m tired and I can’t freaking wait to go to bed tonight.

Jake had to go before the Judicial Counsel tonight. Poor Willow, she’s on it and feeling all guilty now. Bah. Im rather bitchy so I’ll end this and get started on my NanoWrite story! Yey!

xoxo SJ at 10:41 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
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♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
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