SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, February 27, 2005

One More

Baby cries in the night
Reaching for someone to make it right
One more lost soul tragedy
One more fascist society catastrophe

Blue eyed angel girl
Bleeds herself half dry
Hiding the crimson tears she cries
One more image conscious fatality
One more loveless anorexic casualty

All grown up
With dark haunted eyes
Little one's been battered
By the whole world's lies
One more broke down fairy queen
One more run of the mill angst ridden teen

xoxo SJ at 11:32 PM.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

A friend in needs a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better

So last night was interesting. We drank, a lot. I think I did a 40 in about twenty minutes, on top of three beers, and later Kegan and I split another 40. I was feeling no pain by the end of the night.

Steel Reserve by the way tastes like shit, especially when it’s warm.

It’s a good thing I couldn’t find my address book because I was so gone that Ex’s would have started getting the drunken phone calls. That would have been worse then when I nearly ended up in bed with Levi… or later when I was all up in Kegan’s (who has a girlfriend but she’s a lying cheating crack whore) shit. That was too funny.

Then Josh came in. I was too drunk to curb my tongue and said a bunch of shit I probably shouldn’t have. But it’s ok because like I keep telling them “Anything after Midnight doesn’t count.”

What’s sad is we started drinking at like 9:30. Don’t ask me how the fuck we didn’t get caught.

Actually right now I feel such total apathy I don’t even care if we had. I probably would have handed Jade a beer and been like “You look like you have a stick up your ass, get laid gurl”

I’m funny like that when I drink.

Oh the best part of the night though was when I started psycho analyzing Kegs. He’s so funny about that shit. He’s like “are you sure we don’t know each other? Are you stalking me? How did you know that?!” It was too funny!

Ugh I want Josh so bad. He can be my rebound fuck. Hell I’ll rebound him a couple times. Har.

He’s like 28, he’s totally got his shit together, he’s a hot shot though for the Forest Service, that’s a little scary- but if we’re just rebounding then his future or lack there of and possible health complications due to work environment have nothing to do with me.

However I would like to state, that ass is too fine to be burnt up in a forest fire.

xoxo SJ at 11:31 PM.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

merfle borg

I went to the dorctor with mom yesterday.

That was fun.

Not.

Ash and I hng out most of last night.

We were supposed to go get drunk-

We didn't.

I found the package I started for Shaun.

I read the letter.

It made me cry.

It seems kind of ironic you know-

The whole thing was about love and forgivness and rough times.

It sounded so hopeful.

Ash and I both cried a lot last night actually.

We asked Emily for Josh's number-

So Ash could give him his change from buying beer, and I intended to make a bootycall.

That boy is hella fine and I need attention.

She however gave us Chris' cellphone number.

WTF?

"Chris" and "Josh" dont even sound alike, nor do they look alike.

I dont think they even know eachother.

I got the pics from my party back woohoo. Ill post some of them later.

xoxo SJ at 11:28 PM.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Im so tired it not even funny. Trying to find money to get to Ohio for Emmits funeral, I wouldn't got for him, but Katie needs me.

Stressed about Speech. Damn Prof. Gill

teeth are killing me.

so tired.

Im working on a cd. SO far its mostly country stuff like

"You Can Feel Bad" by Patty Loveless and "Girls Night Out" by the Judds and "Guys Do It All The Time" by Mindy McCreedy, and strangely, I Am Not A Pretty Girl by my beloved Ani D.

"You Can Feel Bad"
The car is runnin’ and your bags are packed
I guess that says it all
Your head is hangin’ and you look real sad
Maybe you should’ve called
You say you think you need a brand-new start
You’re really sorry that you broke my heart
Well, I’m not really fallin’ apart, but baby

You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
Picture me cryin’ reading all your love letters
Walkin’ around in your old sweaters, baby
You can feel bad if it makes you feel better

Maybe I’ll go out tonight, yeah, I’ll paint the town
And maybe I’ll run into you, while I’m runnin’ ’round
There’s a good chance I’ll be alone
An even better one that you won’t
And when it’s time for me to go home, baby

You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
Picture me cryin’ reading all your love letters
Walkin’ around in your old sweaters, baby
You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
If it makes you feel something

Yeah, take another look at these tears I’m crying
They’re not fallin’ on your shoulders, they’re fallin’ on mine
Yeah, I’ve seen this comin’ for a long, long time
Now, I’ll be just fine

You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
And picture me cryin’ reading all your love letters
Walkin’ around in your old sweaters, baby
You can feel bad if it makes you feel better

You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
And picture me cryin’ reading all your love letters
Walkin’ around in your old sweaters, baby
You can feel bad if it makes you feel better

If it makes you feel something
If it makes you feel better

xoxo SJ at 11:25 PM.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Jim Jim, My Old Friend

Slept on the floor
Because the bed was too far,
Cried on my pillow
And reached for your arms,
But you’re not near me.
I loved you too hard,
And I’ve loved you to long.
If the morning hadn’t come,
Id have died happily in that fog.

Reached for the Jim Beam
To drown out your memory
Reached for the Jim Beam
To Drown out the pain
Reached for the Jim Beam
And I’ll never be the same.

Another night on the floor
Watching the door
Cried in my pillow
Reached for the drawer
Ive loved you too hard
And its been so damn long
Im waiting out morning
Hoping the pain wont last long

Reached for the Jim Beam
To drown out your memory
Reached for the Jim Beam
To drown out the pain
Reached for the Jim Beam
And I’ll never be the same

xoxo SJ at 11:19 PM.

Random

Worried about Katie. She's taking this Emmit thing way hard.

Its funny to describe a life as a thing.

But in his case its a worthless wife beating thing.

I dont care that hes dying. I really dont. That sounds horrible but its true.

Hes done nothing but bring pain and suffering to those around him, especially my little sister and thats NOT ok.

I know pain is a part of life, but at 15 she should never be subjected to being called a whore by a wife beating drunk.

This DNA runs through my veins people.

Its sick

Im pissed off today, my stomach is killing me and I want to go back to bed.

Repression is a great thing.

Les called, she wants me to go car shopping with her on Monday.

Im going shopping with Mom and the Aunts tomorrow.

Tonight Im going to curl up in a little ball and work on my research paper.

I always feel guilty whining about how little time I have when Jay and Mel have it so much worse. I dont think Mel has slept an entire night since she got out of the hospital last week. I worry about that girl.

I was up till six, not because I wanted to be.

I took like two showers and drank warm tea nothing helped.

Finally I put on sappy music and cried. That helped a little.

Moms going to be here in about twenty minutes I should go.

xoxo SJ at 3:22 PM.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

If only you could talk, You'd tell me why he walked out on me and you

"Wake Up Older" - Julie Roberts
Slept in my makeup
Didn't get my teeth brushed
I crashed on the couch
And now my mouth tastes like yesterday's news
Well hello Jim Beam
Oh the places you've seen
If only you could talk
You'd tell me why he walked out on me and you
Oh the things lovers do when it's over
Oh the things lovers do when it's done
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder
Wake up older
And try to move on
I drove around last night
Thinkin' 'bout our last fight
I cruised by your house
And all the lights were out and you were gone
So I found me a stranger
Well there is comfort in danger
But I thought about you
The whole time we were gettin' it on
Oh the things lovers do when it's over
Oh the things lovers do when it's done
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder
Wake up older
And try to move on
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder
Wake up older
Wake up older
Slept in my makeup
Didn't get my teeth brushed
I crashed on the couch and now my mouth tastes like
Yesterday's news

I just heard this song and fell in love with it.

xoxo SJ at 11:18 PM.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

From an angels wings to a fallen star, God makes everything... but an Unbreakable Heart

Has anyone ever said something that made your heart drop into your stomach it hurt so much?

And when it all falls apart, you will know deep in your heart... the only dream that mattered had come true.

Only in this life I wasn't loved by you.

Emmit is dying. The cancer spread, Katie is a mess, Grandmaw is a mess, Dad hasnt returned my calls.

I dont mourn him. I mourn the fact he will never change.

xoxo SJ at 9:17 PM.

Friday, February 11, 2005

13 RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
01] Singing
02] Novels
03] Shopping
04] Gill
05] New York City
06] Dancing
07] Writing-notes & poetry
08] Much Ado About Nothing
09] Pollock
10] Hot Pink
11] Sweaters
12] Sleeping
13] CDs

12 RANDOM THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE:
01] Acne
02] Liars
03] Whores
04] Cheats
05] Being lazy
06] Getting up extremely early
07] Snow
08] Krough
09] Stockton
10] Being broke
11] Having trouble finding a job
12] Cheap hairdye

11 BANDS:
01] The Doors
02] The Killers
03] Blink 182
04] From Autumn To Ashes
05] Green Day
06] Muse
07] Billy Talent
08] Joss Stone
09] Tori Amos
10] No Doubt (before Gwen sold out)
11] Pink Floyd

10 THINGS PHYSICALLY:
01] COLD!
02] Long hair
03] Blue eyes
04] Chubby fingers
05] Pierced ears
06] Short nails
07] Long lashes
08] Tiny toes
09] Little ears
10] Tiny Nose

9 FRIENDS: [ in no order ]
01] Lesley
02] Ashely
03] Bsie
04] Shaun
05] Laura
06] Jay
07] Aly
08] Tara! (even though she didn't put me. You whore! ^_~)
09] Melissa

8 FOODS:
01] Cheese Pizza
02] Mexican
03] Baked Chicken
04] Chinese
05] Italian
06] Turkey
07] Rice
08] Chocolate

7 THINGS WORN DAILY:
01] Earrings
02] Panties
03] Bra
04] Watch
05] Hair Bands
06] Makeup
07] Perfume

6 ANNOYANCES:
01] Math
02] Waking up
03] Drunks when Im not one of them
04] Tiny Rooms
05] Stupid People
06] Bible Translations

5 THINGS TOUCHED DAILY:
01] Phone
02] Computer
03] Makeup
04] CDs
05] Books

4 FAVORITE PLACES TO BE:
01] In bed!
02] With Les
03] With Kadie
04] Online

3 CELEB CRUSHES:
01] Johnny Depp
02] The Killers
03] Johnathan Rhys Myers

2 ESSENTIALS:
01] Makeup
02] Friends

1 WISH:
01] Thin

xoxo SJ at 2:20 PM.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I met with Dr. H. today. For someone old enough to be my dad he was pretty hot, though I do not say this out loud because it would be inappropriate to form sexual and or emotional feelings toward my Psychiatrist. He’s seems nice enough, he wont be as invested as Nan of course because he’ll only see me once every four or five weeks to see how I’m doing on meds and such. Woo.Hoo. It wasn’t bad… but it was awkward. The question of libido came up, that’s always weird to talk to anyone about who is remotely older or in a place of judgment. Blame it on the Catholics.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to forgive someone else, to a degree. You never look at them the same again. Like my dad? I’ve forgiven him, but sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for him to let me down. But then doesn’t that fall under the self fulfilling prophecy thing? If I’m looking for the hurt I’m going to find it even if it’s not really there….

I don’t know what to do with happiness. I don’t know what to do with love. I don’t know anything about anything anymore. If I’m not being beaten or raped or abused or pushed down I don’t know how to react. How do you react to someone standing right in front of you telling you that nothing you can do will make them go? How do you believe that when everyone you’ve ever loved has walked out or been pushed away.

The pills... they scare me. My writing is all I have to offer anyone. If I lose it I have nothing, I am no one. What if these pills take that away? What if these mood stabilizers take all the creative passion and inspiration away? Then by the same token, what if because Im so up and down and twisted around I never do anything but wallow with half finished ideas and squashed hopes? That doesn’t sound very appealing either.

I think Im still drained from this morning’s appointment. It’s hard to talk about what Freedom did to me, about what Jason did… about bad choices and learned behaviors. Its hard to give up all those secrets to a stranger who is judging me. No one but Jay and Tara ever read this anyway so the mass internet audience doesn’t pay attention to my little introspective bullshit squawking.

Bleh! Must work on my research paper, speech, and psych senses extra credit.

xoxo SJ at 11:15 PM.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Its all about the Shuan-O

Shaun expects me to write a whole long entry about him. Apparently I’ve been neglecting it lately. Har. He’s such a goof; I don’t know what to do with him sometimes. It’s actually kind of funny thinking about it. I mean the way we met, Ken and I had just broken up, but we were still talking, a lot actually, and he told me one night he was talking to one of his friends about what kind of bed sheets he had. Shaunie had batman, and I was joking about having black velvet and Care-bears. It sort of snowballed from there really.

We talked about all sorts of things, we were like instantly friends, and apparently Ken told him all the time I was hot. Pfft. Whatever. I don’t know how to explain it, we were just... close. I don’t know why or how, maybe it was just meant to be. He talked to me about Tara, I talked to him about Clare and being alone, and a million other things I never thought Id admit to anyone but Jay and Laura. Then eventually I got him to join in the RP boards I ran. He was a natural. With a little tweaking his characters became brilliant.

I found a song that fits us perfectly though, “I Miss You” by blink 182. I mean it’s so cheesy, but he has become that voice inside my head. He’s always with me, it’s like even when I go out with friends, I know at the end of the night I won’t be going home with anyone. Even when we weren’t together it felt disloyal. Its strange because I see things that make me think of him, or I’m drinking with friends and we’re talking about music and it feels wrong that he’s not there to be a part of that. Then I think he’d joke about shagging all my friends and Id have to have Jake dangle him by his ankles out the window.

xoxo SJ at 10:14 PM.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Oh but you could say my first birthday sucked. Les canceled on me, I got sick after eating, cried all the way home, Kadie didn’t feel good so we had to put off my party until later, and thoughts of Grandma beat on me like an unwanted redheaded step chillin. We ended up drinking in Ash’s room. Timmy got wasted and took a swing at me, then when I swung back he stomped off and threw shit around in his room for like two hours, now Josh has filled a report and Tim will rat us all out, but we’re all going to be like “Tim who?”

Yesterday however was way better. Les got me like four cards, a journal, cupcakes, and charms for my bracelet. Jake and Kades got me roses, Ambyr got me flowers, and Ashley got me drunk. We went over to Jake and Kadie’s, Shauna and Alicia showed up we played Crazy Eights, Id have to say after chugging about Eight beers I was a lil bit tipsy. Kadie had to walk me in, then Ambyr and I giggled with Ashley for a long time while we munched on food. All in all it was a much better day.

Its moments like that that I live for. The rest of life seems so plagued by insecurity, self doubt, but last night none of it mattered. Sitting there with my friends, throwing back beers giggling as Shauna half gave me a lap dance, in that moment I was content… of course in the back of my mind I think “Jay and Laura should be here, Shaun should be pulling my hair and stealing my shots. Tara and I should be crooning to the Doors.”

I have a goal, at some point, when I’ve my own apartment I’m having everyone out. We’re going to get completely shit faced and have mad orgies for four days… or not. I just want to merge the two parts of my life. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hear Laur and Jays voices. But Id have to say my phone card is out mmmmyeap.

*le sigh*

xoxo SJ at 11:10 PM.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me

You could say it was my birthday. Because.... oh it is.

Woo.hooo

Actually last night wasn't bad, Ash and I had another one of our famous- or is it infamous adventures. Yea we got about forty feet from the parking lot of the dorms when her car died because we needed gas.

So we woke Darby’s ass up and went all the way to Payette to get a gas can, then we came back to Ontario and tried to put it in her tank. Yea, I smelled like gas for the rest of the night.

Then we went to Jack in the Crack and got some munchies, then like an hour later Drew came by and we all went to The Walmart. We got us some cookies and ice cream- but my hands still smelled like gas after washing them like forty times.

Then we watched Friends while I called mom and told her I was now twenty at 10 after midnight. Mmmyeap.

Then she called me this morning and sang to me- I was tempted to hang up on her- after I ignored my ringing phone for like five minutes. Then I couldn’t find it- when I finally did it was under my black panties. Ha. How fitting. Im not even going to get a birthday shag. Hermph!

Actually this is hte first year without Gram so Im kind of dreading it. It feels too soon.... and I wont have a cake either. *tear*

xoxo SJ at 11:09 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James