SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Proper Update Later

Its insanely early in the morning, ok not really its only 8:10, but Im soo tired. The energy I had the first day is slowly dwindling and Im missing everyone like mad. I had a dream about Jay last night. But I don’t want to talk about it. Everything seems so messed up right now. Crystal has come over every night this week- or we’ve talked on the phone and that’s awesome but… I don’t know. Like sometimes I think she wouldn’t be putting in this effort if she didn’t like… like me, but other times I think she does it because Im just there and she needs someone to mother her. And either option is kind of scary right now.

Classes went alright Monday, no big dramas for World Lit- we’re studying Greek Mythology atm and Christina is letting me barrow her book, or in Ethic Studies- I think I can barrow Melinda’s. We just went over basic stuff like course work things like that. Math didn’t go over so easy- on top of needing a $93 math book, I also need the $30 workbook, and $20 solutions guide, and I have to have them because the workbook is part of our grade *twitch*. Granted I’ll only have to buy it this term and get to use it next for 65 (because Im in dummy math) but its just frustrating to try and get shit done, study so I can get my GPA up so I don’t LOSE my FAFSA money, when I don’t have the money I need to buy books. *twitch* Then I had Stockton. Writing 122 woohoo. Har! He still remembers me. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. He kept waiting for me to spout off I think because we were discussing an article about Grade inflation. His books will be about a $100.

I hate being poor.

Im hoping I get work study. Really, really, really hoping I get work study. Ana has already told me the Theater and Music department is looking for Work Study people if I do, which made me feel good. I have yet to set foot in that god forsaken building this term. I sort of intend to keep it that way. I grew to hate Acting- even though it was one of the best classes for me, I just can’t stand Jerry’s politics. It drove me nuts. I can play more then an abused Southern Bitch Thank You!

Les is here and I've got to get to gettin, I'll update more later.

xoxo SJ at 10:36 PM.

Monday, September 27, 2004

College Bound

First weekend at college! WoohooO! All went really well- with the exception of a crappy computer no wireless card or way to get online. That was a bit sucky. I’m missing everyone already and will try to get emails out about my new phone number and addy so I can get pretty packages and calls. Because I’ve been lonely as hell. Har I actually called my mom this morning to tell her good morning. Yea I know- pathetic, especially considering I didn't tell her good morning when I lived with her, usually I said something like "Turn off the fucking light" and rolled over to go back to sleep. I walked down a little to early today, I've got about an hour to kill before class, I still don't have any of my books but bah I dunno what I'll do.

Friday Mom and I had Chinese, watched Third Watch and that new Medical Investigation show thingy. I couldn’t sleep most of the night; finally about four I gave it up and got up to finish packing and to check my email. We managed to fit everything in Moms car, but I couldn't for the life of me get a hold of Lesley. I called her like three times this weekend, maybe four. We headed over to the dorms about noon on Saturday. We got everything dropped off at the room, did a room check, then headed to Boise to take my pants back. Once all of that was out of the way, we went to Fashion Bug, they were having a huge sale, and I ended up getting two new shirts and some other stuff for my room.

When I finally got back and set to unpacking everything, I did it without Mom because having her there was just too hard. As bad as it is sometimes, it finally dawned on me; I can’t just run home and hide on my computer. When life gets rough I have to deal with it. That’s a really hard truth to swallow. I left my door open, and Willow who lives down the hall came by, then later a girl named Jennifer, who lives like right above me. After she left not a lot else happened, watched Adult Swim, went to bed, woke up the next morning at like 9, no one was around so I called Mom to see what she was doing, I had to get online at some point and none of the labs over here were opened, so she came to get me, took me to Denny’s for breakfast, then home so I could get the rest of my stuff, cuddle the kittens who we’re calling Swee’Pea and Squeaky Lola, and then to her classroom to get my schedule.

We ran to Albertsons too. In and of itself it’s not all that interesting- but we ran into my step grandmother Maxine. She was with Pattie and Pattie’s grandbaby. When she saw me her eyes just lit up and I thought I might suffocate from the hug she gave me. It felt almost like she didn’t want to let go. She told me she was going to call Katie tonight and brag about who she got to see. It was so cute. I was really worried for the longest time that because of whatever weirdness there was between me and Dad that it would effect the relationship I have with everyone else, but she’s really proven she doesn’t care that its “step” I’m still her granddaughter no matter what.

I was back at the dorm by 4, moved in my last box, chilled listening to music for awhile, tried to call everyone under the sun that I still had numbers for (Except of course Tristin), no one was answering. So I called Trinity, she and Jess came by, dropped me off at Weese- we had a Residency meeting and BBQ last night, at which point I met like one more person. Her name’s Kadie- is that not the cutest way to spell it? Anyway, she’s really sweet, she just graduated, her parents moved her from Southern Cali two months before her senior graduation, and she doesn’t know anyone here. She lives like two doors down from me, and gave me a ride back to the dorms, I helped her move some stuff from her car then she had to run all the way back to Emmett- which is like an hour drive, to get her fan.

I called Mom- I’ve probably talked more to her in three days then I had in two years. >_<, tried to call Aunt Carol- she took Uncle Everett to the Emergency Room for chest pains and trouble breathing last night. She didn’t answer, so I took a shower- which was an interesting experience in and of itself. Then when I got back to the room my phone was ringing, it was Crystal; we talked for like an hour about absolutely nothing. We’re going to meet up some time tonight but I’m not sure when because I have class till 8:30.

xoxo SJ at 7:34 PM.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Too Much

The last few days have been hell. Well really yesterday wasn't so bad as much as I was so drained from the day before. Ive been trying not to kick myself too hard for the whole night out with my sister. E. is an asshole, but he hasn't talked shit since it all happend. Probably because Gabe threatend to string him up by his testies if he ever touched me again... which is really funny because Im sure its not the first time either of them has taken advantage of a situation.

I went to the doctor on the 14th. Ive only lost six pounds and 4 inches in a month. I keep getting in trouble for saying "only" but its true you know. Six pounds isn't what I thought it would be, and I spent a month trying to pretend to be happy, to be up beat but I was miserable. I missed food, desperatly really. Which is fucking pathetic in and of itself.

So I was already upset about that, even though Dr. R. and Mom kept giving me pep talks. I mean Im not going to give up, Im just a little.. ok a lot... dissapointed with myself. I busted my ass and it still wasnt enough.

Anyway to make matters worse I came home and found two of Josies kittens dead. It makes me absolutly sick to my stomach. I burried them out by the shed today. I couldn't stop crying. Actually Ive spent most of the last two days in tears over this shit. I don't know why... Im just not very happy right now.

In other news I had the weirdest dream about Shay last night. In it, we were talking about Krys- this girl I sort of dated for awhile and was hung up on for a long time, and she told me suddenly she was in love with Krys, even though she'd spent like the last six months telling me they'd never be more then friends. And I can remember standing in a coffee shop screaming that I never wanted to see either one of them again and hoped they rotted in hell.

It was all kind of surreal, like it felt like it was really happening. When I woke up I was like sobbing and I had to run to the bathroom and throw up.

Which is the reaction I get any time I think about Krys anymore. I still really care about her, more then Id ever admit to, and lately I guess Ive been avoiding her without meaning to. I mean I havent made an effort to be around or answer any of her messages, but I see her on this spiral and I can't help her out. She doesn't want help out really, and I guess it hurts because I know I would treat her so much better then any one else, but Im her friend. Actually I doubt she even misses me. I told her the other day, on a rare occasion when we actually got to talk, how much Id missed her and how weird this next year would be and she was just like "Its cool. Life takes us our own ways."

I wanted to smack her and tell her I didnt want to go my own way, but thats needy.

Bryan told me I was going to hell the other day for being a Lesiban. And wanted to know what I could possibly see in cunt eating whores. I hung up on him and tried to track odwn the number that he called from but it was blocked. Fucking Bastard. Ive already told mom not to give him my dorm room phonenumber. I dont want to deal with his shit anymore. Ive told him as much too. You'd think the fact whenever he calls and I know its him that I hang up would give him some sort of clue.

But then I date schmucks.

Havent talked to Nate. Im assuming he still hates me for telling him hes a lazy defeatist bastard who needed a swift kick up the ass.

Talking to Shaun hurts. Jays always busy or my computer tweaks out on rare occasion that shes online. I really miss her but sometimes I feel like I dont know what to say to anyone anymore. Im tried of telling them Im unhappy even though Im trying so hard to get myself to a place where I can be happy.

xoxo SJ at 10:33 PM.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Brilliant Stupidity

Ive done a lot of studpid things. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. Clare for instance, Shaun to a degree, the time when I thought hooker red was a good colour on me- I looked like Boozo- Im known for making some what catostrophic mistakes. Huge. Just huge. Ever getting close to Travis. The list does go on

However this must take the cake.

After a two hour shower I feel like if I move Im going to throw up. My hair still reeks. I smell like smokey booze and bad aftershave. My sister and I should never- and I mean never party together.

We ended up getting drunk, and I was telling her all these things- and the shit about Jake last summer just POOF came out. She was shocked- so being a drunk idiot she called him.

My sisters rather baligerent when shes not drunk- when drunk shes beligernt but hitting on everyone in sight.

I ended up only staying from about 10 to 2/3 I can't remember. Id sobered up a little by then, enough to know that I needed to call my mom to pick me up- but the Gabe (Sisters new boyfriend whos rather cute in a hick manual laborer sort of way) came home, found me crying in the bathroom- drove me the hour home even though he'd worked graveyard all night, and listened to me talk about everything that had gone wrong lately.

He had to help me to the door just because I was so emotional. He gave me a hug good night and told me eventually, despite minor setbacks, Id find my way out. That Shaun, Clare, Bryan, Jake... and everything else I see as mistakes will make sense. He told me at the heart of it, I was a good person who just tried to hard to love people who didn't want to be loved.

Do I know if he's right? No... I know I regret sleeping with his brother. It wasn't even good. Im reallt starting to wonder if I don't just fully bat for the other team. I mean Ive always liked guys, but they're more fun to look at then play with.

Its strange you know... before he cheated on me, I thought sex was sacred, I thought it was a binding of souls. I thought it was an act of commitment you should only give yourself over to when you're really sure.

Now Ive sort of become the drunken easy chick everyone adores.

The night I went drinking with Trinity and Jess, I ended up with a cross between a kicky and a vampire bite. Like RIGHT on my neck. Try exlplaining that to my Catholic Grandmither..

Riiiiight.

xoxo SJ at 10:30 PM.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Tired

Im tried.

But Im tired to the soul.

Ive tired to sleep all day because Im still going on the two hour nap yesterday from about 10-midnight.

Had another scare with my heart- or rather shooting pain up my arm and across my back. Im so sick of being me right now. *spits on reflection*

Bsie and I had a fight... I don't even really know why. I know somehow I managed to hurt her so obviously Im a shitty friend...

Which is reason 211 why I shall become a noveliest hermit.

I can only seem to really muster kindness toward Fauna and Jade tonight- and of course my darling Chriskins. I just don't have it in me to deal with anymore drama. I really don't

So to any of you that confided in me in the hopes of the usual Princess Twink pat on the head "well work it out" attitdue. Im sorry... Id tell you its not you its me- but it really is you- and your self imposed problems and loathing.

/end rant

In slightly happier news the pants I bought a couple weekends ago are already too big.

But I miss food.

xoxo SJ at 10:27 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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