SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Case of the Ex... From Hell

I should have known Kenneth would not be mature about the breakup. I should have known he'd get his knickers in a twist and be a shit head. First he tells people I "got bored" with him, and thats why I left. Then yesterday I talked to him about it, and he told me falling in love with me was a mistake and I wasn't worth his tears. And then he told me he couldnt have possibly known what was wrong because I never told him, Im like Hello?! Everytime I tired to tell you, you threw a tizzy! I had a frigging breakdown on the phone with him, and the next words out of his mouth were about him needing space.

So my question to him was "Would you rather I lived a miserable lie trying to be what you wanted?" and he said "No I don't want you to live a lie, no matter how good the lie is" and Im like, ok thats the point! You're the only person it was good for! I was miserable! But of course he doesn't get that. I shouldn't be suprised. He goes from calling Kate a fat cow to mooning over her in a matter of days, he says he hates Susan with a passion, but he still talks to her, he still opens the files when she sends him naughty pictures of herself, and he TOLD me about it. And the fuckwit doesn't see how he made this mess for himself? Whatever.

I got my diaryrings all sorted and prettyfuled so now the page wont take forever and a year to load. YeY! Go me! I talked to Sam, Jerom, Coal and a bunch of other people, as always Brit is such an angel and I love you to bits chickidoodle. LoL Leave it to Sam to make me laugh, and feel all cute and shit... well Coal and Jerom too but whatever they are all angels... Nialle never replied to the PM I sent shim... blah Im not even going to worry about it right now. Chris gave me a new nickname! But I dont remember *exactly* what it was, but I know it means "Priestess of the Moon" So now my MSN Name is: Ophelia's Sin//Priestess of the Moon//The Goddess Muse Very poetical as Sugarbean (Brit) and I would say.

You know I've been thinking, and I voiced this opinon to Brit, if Jay hadn't been the only girl I'd ever wanted to kiss, I would totally open myself up to forgetting about guys. But Jay was the only girl I ever really wanted to be with.. speaking of which, Ive had the strangest urge to just kiss her all the time lately. She's so.. alive and sexy.. and.. gah. I have a crush, I admit it, but at the same time, we talked about it, we don't work as a couple, and we're both to jealous to be fuck buddies, because lets face it, she has issues with me having men in my life, and I hate feeling not important to her. You know those are the only times we fight, when shes not thinking, and when Im with someone she doesnt like (meaning anyone at all). She also admits that the reason she cant stay mad at me or ignore me is because shes horribly infatuated back. *shrug* Everwhat, life goes on, and we ought to just get on with it.

xoxo SJ at 11:00 PM.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

So I broke it off with Kenneth. It was for the best... being with him just didn't feel right anymore, it was like, he said one thing, but then he'd turn around and do or say another and I just couldn't take the pressure, I felt myself cracking and nothing was making me happy anymore.
Kenneth was smart and funny. He had charm and a mannor Ive rarely incountered, he had warm chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful smile.... he also had the devils own temper, and in the last week hes punched out a dozen windows, and I began to wonder, how long till the windows became me? Or if I did marry him, and we did have children, how many nights would I lay awake while he raged downstairs. How many nights would I have to wipe tears from my babies eyes while they listend to their father roar? And suddenly, I wanted to just be 18. To go out, to party, to spend time not thinking about marriage, morgages, or babies.
before Kenneth asked me to marry him I told him he had to wait to years to even ask, then it was... ok ask me now but we wont get married for two years and suddenly I realised because I didnt want to be alone I was with a man I was not only scared of, but wanted me barefoot and pregnant before I was 21. At one time I thought I could do that... and I still do, when Im 30. When Im 30 I could be I could be a soccer mom, I could be a house wife, but Im not 30. Im not 20. So let me flirt, let me laugh at Jamison calling me a Pimptess Player, and let me enjoy the time I have to find out what sort of guy I really want to be with. Give me time to deal with my baggage.
I'm rather proud of myself actually... there was a time I would have staied... I feel guilty that I hurt him... but at the same time, hes the one that put hte doubts there. It just didn't feel right anymore and for once instead of thinking "but what if hes the one and I let him go". I listened to my heart. Because I finally paused long enough to realise my head and my heart were telling me two different things.
Im debating going to John,Trins/everyone I went to school withs graduation, he really wants me there but.. I dunno.. seeing all those people again... oi part of me wants, I want to see John graduate and all that stuff... but I feel so.. unpretty at the moment.. Bugger it I'll decide later.
My kitten is sick, *sigh* shes jaundice, live fucked up, 300 bucks, I can kiss any money I have comming infor the next 6 months goodbye, but shes my baby and I love her so I'll do it.
I've been getting into contact with a lot of people lately that I hadn't in a long time. I talked to Katie last night for a good 3 hours, I talked to Mina Miriam and Annie today. I realised life is to short to spend it not talking to the people you love. There was a time I couldn't imagin my life without Annie and Mir, and then suddenly I realised it'd been at least three months since I talked to them, and a good 6 since we had a real real conversation. And that is just to long. Now I just have to write/call Kirst and I'll be all set

xoxo SJ at 11:59 PM.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

I. have. cramps. YUCK! I mean I shouldn't complain it means the stupid pills are doing what they are suposed to but Im just so burnt out and tired and bleck. I know I haven't writen in ages, the damn computer went nuts and blah.
I just feel... lost you know? Like here I am at the thresh hold of a new world, as soon as I hear back from the admissons board Im pretty sure I'll be in college and living in the dorms next fall, which is great right? But I just feel so... not happy.
Don't get me wrong, Im not unhappy persay, its not that at all, but... Im not... ok either. Im sort of messed up and in-between. But then I think 'get over it'. I have a great boyfriend, who is now sure he wants to be my husband, I have amazing friends, who have worried and worried over me while I was away, and I've actually lost weight (Im lookin almost dead sexy lol).
But then the things that get me down are like... Jay, and the way she is and the way she doesnt think about anyone else or how what she does affects them, how it might hurt them.... she can call me a Drama Queen if she wants, I am, I admit it whole heartedly, but somethings are more important then possible storylines. Laura brought up that maybe since shes friends with tristan shes thinking about him feeling left out, and you know as selfish as it is, I wanted to ask "well what about me?"
I mean... what about me! I cant go anywhere, role play anywhere without fear of having to deal with him.... and I can't deal with him. I just cant. Im not that strong. And Im still hurt, it still does my head in that I was there for him non-stop for 6 and a half months and when I needed him he couldn't take it anymore. It fucks with my whole sense of love and caring and what i should be doing for people.
And... Jay doesnt get it, or doesnt care, I dont know which at this point

xoxo SJ at 8:58 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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