SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Its been a very long, very hard day. I got up at 6, thinking Les would be here at seven. Started helping Charity pack, realized Les wasnt coming till like 8. I staied up anyway because I've been having Mini panic attacks. I've managed to upset myself so much about Gran and paying for school and worrying about everything else thats been going on that Ive litterly run myself into the ground.Worst of all, in the midst of it all, Charity is moving back home. I don't want her to leave, but summer school is over and she misses the girls. I know that feeling. I miss my babies. I just want to wrap them up and steal them away with me....I know I'll see them all in like three weeks but I just... I wont have my Kemosabi, I wont have my partner in crime, I wont have someone to take daytrips with, to check out new fashion ideas on, no one to cook with, or joke with, or cry with. I seem to cry a lot lately. Angry tears of frusteration. Is it selfish I wonder to want Grandma to just let go? Is it selfish to just want her suffering to stop? I know for a long time I said I couldn't handle her dying, but now, watching her in this pain, suffering constantly, the emotional doesn't seem so bad. And Im angry that no one can fix it. If I could I would take all of it on myself.I got an email from Clare. I read it... but I didn't reply. It seemed stupid at this point. As much as I loved her in the past I see now, because of who we are, we will always go back to this place. It doesn't matter how much we may change, we never change enough that we don't hurt one another. And Im tired of hurting people.In the last few days Ive learned the real value of Jay and Shaun and Aly. Jay has just... God shes amazing you know? She undertook the entire remaking of my site after it was deleted. She challenges me, and listens to me, and sticks it out even when Im a pain in the ass. Shaun too. I know Im fucking difficult. But its like... somehow, being togethe, being there for one another, its more important then being right. Im truly blessed. Despite everything thats going wrong, I have these light spots in my life. And if I die tomorrow I know I will have lived a better life because of them. No matter the hard times, or pain because in the end we always come back to where we belong

xoxo SJ at 9:57 AM.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Its so weird, Ive had such a shitty day, like everything that could go wrong DID, and Shaun told me all this shit Vanessa was saying and I just felt like crap, without school I've felt kind of bleck lately. But the weirdest thing happend, I was getting out of the tub and looking for something to wear because I can never find clothes, anyway! Kath called me!I haven't talked to Kath in months, right around October she stopped getting online and calling. For some reason the last few weeks, and really once or twice the last few days I've been struck with thoughts about her, just wondering if she was ok and how to get ahold of her and then poof she called.Suddenly my bad day seems a little better.I shall leave you with Kath's thoughts on our friendship "As long as we have eachother, we'll never run out of problems"

xoxo SJ at 10:56 PM.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Im so fucking tired.... and hungover. Extreamly hungover. And sore. I don't know why I do this to myself, it was like such a shock, the whole thing with Tara and Shaun, and wow I really lost it. I don't even remeber most of the shit I did or said last night, so if I verbally attacked anyone am extreamly sorry. I think I blacked out long about 11. I think I might have scared the shit out of Chris. Which makes me feel guilty on top of sick.Woke up this morning on the bathroom floor curled in a little ball, red stains on the carpet. Not a good sign. Life goes on. I just have to reset the counter and take it one day at a time. Life goes on, we all back slide occasionally.

xoxo SJ at 9:55 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James