SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, March 30, 2003

glarp

The following are mostly thoughts I voiced to Laura night before last. Ive been so busy lately... blah.
I remember thinking I would never love anyone as much as I loved Tristan... but when I think about it... there were no plans, no living past the moment, I never knew... Kenneth and I dont fight, like ever, its calm and rational, when I told him why I quit role playing, he told me that wheather i flirted or not, at the end of the day he knew he was the one I was with and that was what mattered. I look back now.... Tristan never loved me as much as he loved Ally, or hell even as much as he loved his board. I was a comfort thing. I was so caught up in that moment, in having this thing Id dreamed of...But thats not what realtionships are meant to be is it?
I think he didnt want to share me, not because he loved me, but because no one else would take his shit and think it was something they had done. No one else would look at him and say the bad things make me love you more. Not at that moment anyway. I think it was fear if he didnt I would walk away.... and I think deep down I know I would have.... eventually, or died.... or maybe walked away and shut myself off which is worse then dying.
It wasnt that I didnt know him, I did, I knew him better then maybe he knew himself, I just didnt know myself, and it was like.... him saying he loved me, was like dangling a steak in front of a starving beaten dog you know? I blinded myself to the consicunce because i needed to believe.
What Tristan did, the things he said, the way we were, makes me question everything about Kenneth, it makes me wonder when Im going to screw it up, when Im going to lose it, I dont have to deal with Tristan anymore, but the scars being with him, -not just in that month, but having him in my life- left on my heart, are there everyday. Everytime Kenneth tells me he loves me, I have to bite my tounge from asking why, he already has so many times... I keep thinking hes going to look at me and say "right youre so not worth this hassle"

xoxo SJ at 3:48 AM.

Monday, March 24, 2003

sickness

I. am. so. sick. And my idiot pets are driving me up a wall and I miss kenny and if he isnt on soon im saying fuck it and going to bed anyway... lol never mind he just logged in.
I miss gabi too. she hardly spent any time online, or at least not when I was around to talk to her. Ive been trying to burn all of our songs onto a CD to go with the scrap book Im making her.
Ive been working on something for Kenneth too, but since he reads my journal I can't say. Ha! And you wont get it out of me either so nah!
Im feeling really tired, the pills they gave me at the hospital are starting to work. Ive been thinking about tristan, but ill save that for another day as im very happy and it will only serve to piss me off. much love yall

xoxo SJ at 2:47 AM.

Saturday, March 22, 2003

So on to the last few days,I dont even know what to say. One night Kenneth and I had a long talk, about Kate and what hes going to tell her when she decides to pop back into her life, he said the truth and I told him there were many versions of the truth, in all honesty I was spoiling for a fight, maybe I was looking or a reason to be like "see! hes just like the rest" but he isnt. I can say that with full faith now.
He called me Thursday afternoon, he was so exahusted, he just wanted to talk to me before he went to bed, he actually dozed off for a few minutes while we were talking, he has the cutest snore. He truly does just.... shoot stright to my heart, in everyway possibe, just the way he is gets me. It scare me, but at the same time... when Im talking to him there is so much more then fear. So much more then the pain I've known or the lies that Ive been told.
Part of me is terrified to let go and truly free fall into it. To let this feeling take over my being, to worship him with my soul, because Im so terrified of losing what little bit of myself I have left. Its not that I think he's lying, or that I dont believe him, but there is this seed of doubt in myself, and being worthy of his love, and its firmly rooted itself into my psychie.
Today Gabi had a little chat with him. I knew it was comming but I was a little stressed about it, one because I know how Gabs can be. That isnt a bad thing, Im very important to her, (as she is to me) and she would protect me at any cost, (as I would her) ut also because I was pretrafied she wouldn't like him, though its hard to imagine anyone not adoring Kenny ^-^. She's hasnt particularly liked anyone Ive dated since I met her, and she positivly detested Tristan. I supose she saw him for the toad he is, anyway, they talked and I was a little stressed about it, but they both handled themselves rather well.
About 15 minutes into the conversation, after intetial threats she told me she liked him and he said I was lucky to have someone who loves me so much. I guess the thing I thought would happen was, hed look at me and be like "heh right, youre so not worth this" when I told him that he told me that he would do anything for me, to be with me, and at the end of the day while he wanted their approval, I was the person he was in love with.
It occured to both of us quite awhile after I said it that I refered to him as my boyfriend, I didnt even catch it at the time, but some how it just felt right, the word sort of fell off my tounge. And he of course has no objections. I however am not looking forward to the day Kate comes back and he tells her about me. I have a feeling I will have another ex girlfriend on my ass, and quite frankly, I wont be as nice to her as I was to the last one I had to deal with. I can't stand what she did to Kenneth. He isn't perfect, he is human, I haven't put him up on this pedistle, but, he IS a good man, and no one deserves to be jerked around the way she jerked him around.
blah its nearly one 30 and Im spent. Im going to email Kenneth and then Im off to bed. My pain pill is starting to work and Ill be goofy gone in a minute. Much love my little darlings *mua*

xoxo SJ at 11:46 PM.

Monday, March 17, 2003

I couldnt stop thinking about him today. He is so... everything I ever wanted. And yet I don't think Im enough for him. I dont think Im good enough, worthy of what he wants to give me. He is just so.. good, and pure and kind and loving and funny and that voice with that smile.... Its like an arrow stirght to the heart. I could get so serious about him. Im thinking things I shouldnt and hoping for things I really dont have the right to want.
And I dont know what he sees, I dont know why he believes Im so amazingor beautiful or wonderful... I dont know... how he can look at me, knowing what he knows, and still want to be with me, still love me, stil accept... what I am.
He does things... he calls me, just to talk to me, he emails me just to tell me to have a good day, or that hes thinking of me... I give him tingles.. I have never... in my life, made anyone tingle. today when we talked and I cired, because of Tristan, because of the pain because of everything, his voice was so soft, so full of emotion, so... everything that I needed in that moment.

xoxo SJ at 8:45 AM.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

Flabbergasted

Today has been a day. Last night I didn't get to bed till five. I was talking to Kenny, who is doing amazingly well all things considered. Im very proud of him really. Hes such a good kind person, and he doesnt ask for anything you know? Hes in my life becase he enjoys me, not because of what I will do, or who I will be for him.
Gilli and I had an interesting conversation. I was talking about Chris, and the idea that he is not only keeping this mystery girl a secret from me, but is also in love with her, and she broght up that it might be me.... I dont know what to think. On one hand, I love Chris, I adore Chris, but I would not be involved with him because I would not subject him to an Abby Realtionship nightmare. Id only hurt him. And then there is the thought that its not me which makes my heart hurt. But I dont know why.
Then today Bryan called me. Bryan is... my ex who made my life hell and still thinks hes in love withme, I was pretty shook up over the whole thing and I was talking to Kenny about not wanting to be one of those cold cynical bitter women who run from love, but at the same timeI feel it happening because I dont want to be hurt, and then somehow Isort of blurted out I take the abuse bcause I dont think I dserve better. Then Kenny picked up the phone, called me, and sang to me. *sigh* I was flabergasted. I still am but i need to go now Ill write more later

xoxo SJ at 10:44 PM.

Friday, March 14, 2003

RANT

I am... angry. And hurt and unkind, and ugly and horrible and hateful and a million other unflattering things.
Im just going to rant here because I can. Its my right. Im worrid about Gabi, shes not dealing very well with that happend at her school earlier this week, though I think under the circimstance she could be doing worse, Im worried about Brii too. With the new baby, the thing at school, and school in general shes feeling a bit lost in hte shuffle and Im not sure how to help her.
Then there is Chris meeting someone. Damnit I dont want to share Chris-san. I dont get to talk to him enough as it is and if hes with somene Ill talk to him even less. Everyone gets to caught up in raltionships. ANd he wont even tell me who she is. In fact I wouldn't have known at all if I hadnt been looking for his last post time so I could be sure I hadn't missed him. I dont like knowing he has a secret hes not sharing. And I dont like the idea of sharing him... thats so selfish....
Then there is Kenny. My darling Kenny. The poor dear. I hate Kte enough for the both of us. I cant believe what shes done to him. That someone so good and kind and just... lovable believes that Kate is the last person that will ever love him for him makes me sick. I could just. GR!! He deserves so much love and goodness..
Then there is me and my lonleiness. Yes I have great friends. I have Gabi who worships me and Chris who wants to take care of me... but... well Im only human, and I want so badly to be... sought after, desired, wanted, I want to be temptng and intoxicating, I want to be kissed and touched. I want someone to tell me Im beauiful and not mean it in a sft spoken older brother way. And Im finding myself in the akward place of desiring one of my best friends, and another close friend, while still nursing a battered heart and smarting from the blow Tristan struck... and missing the jackass like crazy. Such is Abbykis life

xoxo SJ at 4:43 PM.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Shattered

I had an interesting day. Kenny (wee! He only lets me call him that you know) and I finally got a chance to talk. Ive been so exahusted lately Ive either missed him in the morning because I sleep in or in the afternoon because Im catching up on stuff I should have done earlier. And hte best part is he missed me! I felt adored. But when I said that all he said was "well you are". Aww bless.
I am having an eeh day. Im not really myself lately. I mean brief bits of my personaily show but... I just feel broken lately.
I hold no pretence to being whole before Tristan. I was fragil. I had been damaged at an early age, Tristan was the tap that broke me, shattered my hold on myself. All my life I had loved with caution, never fully giving myself over to the depth of what i felt, what I believed, what I loved, never fully letting go. But I did with him. I let go because I thought I wouldn't fall, I thought he would catch me... but... he was to weak himself. He crumbled when I needed him to love me the most.
And I am shattered.

xoxo SJ at 11:42 PM.

Monday, March 10, 2003

Lazy!

*sigh* I am a loser. Yup. I read "The Sisterhood of the Travling Pants" last night in three hours. Does anyone else get the feeling Im avoiding being online? I always feel guilty when I know I've missed Gabi or Chris, but lately... sitting in this chair is down right obressive. I really need to get a phone call and talk to them... Gabi's voice is so soothing.
I am a loser. Yup. But at least Im a loveable loser. *shrug* I talked to Al this morning. Three hours we talked about everything in eachothers live's we'd miss. I told her about the breakup, she clicked her tounge and shook her head... you know youre close when you can tell the other is shaking her head at you over the phone. She let me cry, (on a side note, when I talk about what happend its more of a... sobbing mess then crying) she didn't say anything untill I'd calmed to muffled mews. Then we talked about her brother. Adam is a sweet guy... annoying but sweet.
I havent really done anyhing today. I listend to Shakira, and sat outside, not to smoke, just to watch the sky. It's one of those days, just before spring really starts, that teases you. It was beautiful. Sometimes... when Im alone, and something strikes me as really beautiful, I feel like my heart will break because I cant hold it all in. And yet... even in that pain there is a beauty....
Charity's car died yesterday, shes missed all her classes... we've gorged ourselves on food we shouldn't eat and now we want brownies, because we arent fat enough. Charity is more plump then fat, but whatever. YEY! Mom just called, shes going to bring brownies and icecream and... we dont have eggs doh! *bangs her head on the desk Damnit. *sigh* Life goes on.. maybe Ill send money with mom and she can get some more.
I didn't talk to Kenny today I hope he's ok... he had his brain scan today. Luvs you Sweets

xoxo SJ at 3:41 PM.

Sunday, March 09, 2003

Worrysome

I cant sleep. The problem is of course I staied in bed avoiding people till about four in the afternoon, which was very very bad of me and for me because it meant I had time to think and thinking does not help the situation at all. It doesn't change that its over, or the way it hurts. It's just a knife to the heart mulling it over again and again, chewing on it till it's lost its flavor. But even then the pain doesn't stop.

And I'm worried about Kenny. The poor darling. He's so sweet and wonderful... *sigh* he doens't deserve this at all, he's a good guy really, about as good as they come, even with his flaws, hes sweet and charming, hes so fun to talk to and just bullshit with. He's a good guy. *sigh* All the good ones are taken... or gay... or both.

Chris was such a sweetie Friday night when I was so low. I mean I was still crying, but it was because it was Chris the fact I was crying was ok. *shrug* He says the sweetest stuff. Like that Im his goddess and his muse, and his guiding light, that even if I don't know if Im there when things are hard and thats important. That Im there when the world is cold... maybe I am... but I just feel like it never changes, that I should be doing so much more to help people. The other scary part is Chris and Gabi see me, and while I keep this wall up, keep this part of myself hidden away, they SEE it.... but they're still there and that confuses me simply because most people get tired and walk away.

Im just so tired anymore... I dont even know what to do with myself

xoxo SJ at 11:38 PM.

*screams and pulls at her hair* I hate my job! Ok os today started out well enough, I talked to Kenneth last night when I couldn't sleep, and again before I left for work. I talked to Robin too, but... blah lets not go there. Anyway I get to work and my manager (who I normally adore) was sick, and grumpy, no biggie I jump and do whatever she told me too, then I find out Dana quit, like two hours before our shift! I was so pissed, it meant I had to deal with DJ, and while I guesss its really not that bad, its just... garg... he bugs me. And it was early. (any time before noon is early when one has to deal with DJ.)

So we get slammed for lunch, she sticks me on drive, a 44 oz bucket o' coke gets spilled, I try to mop it up, twice, then I have to stop mid-mop to run back and get slasa, I come back up to take this persons order, Im two steps in front of the register, I slip on the stupid floor, wrench my knee, crack into the counter, hit my head on the cash drawer and hurt my wrist trying to break my fall, not to mention the muscle I pulled. Im all black and blue and I hate my job. Anyway, then I ended up staying till almost 2:30 because Dana wasn't there and D.J. had class. *sigh* Anyway Barbra yelled at me a couple times but it was because she was pissed off at Deej.

Then I came home, checked my messages and went back to bed because I hurt so bad. I took a pain pill and just crashed out on the couch listening to "So much for the Afterglow" I love this CD. I didn't wake up till almost 5:30. Mom and Charity came home and we headed to Caldwell to see Aunt Carol and go to the nursing home to see Gran. Seeing Aunt Carol was good, I needed an Auntie fix. The Emporum's sales suck right now. And some of the stuff they are trying to unload.... sheeesh there is a reason it didn't sell in the first place. Idaho is a conservitive state, with money problems, no one is going to pay $60.00 or a tacky table that looks like a deer with evil eyes.

I am so tired right now... and I can't stop thinking about Tristan. Susan is talking about her boyfriend Rick, and they make such a cute couple, but it makes me miss Tristan. In this one person was everything I ever wanted. He was talented, and charming, sweet, tender, loving, he had lips to die for, and his eyes were this amazing stormy gray... I loved everything about him, I loved him almost from the moment I met him. I think the hardest part about this breakup is that... I feel as though I've lost this piece of myself again. This piece that almost completed the puzzle that is me. *sigh* Is it possible to love to much?

Now I must go and pay attention to Jessie, Susan and Rei Rei. I think I missed Chris already tonight. Its midnight almost where he is. If you're reading this, *huggles* sweet dreams my Kistune Prince

xoxo SJ at 9:50 PM.

Bah

I am quite tired. I don't know why. I read Memoirs of a Geiash. I have to say I loved this book. It is just so vivid. I seriously was transported to the Geisha District. Very Cool.I've been meaning to put one of my stories up here but... I dont quite have the energy. I don't really write anything anymore, unless its bleak poetry. Sad I know. But its sort of like Ive shut myself off, when I was with Tristan I didn't realize I was doing it, and now that hes gone Im finding myself very alone a lot of the time. Someone told me he's not happy. I don't know how I feel about this. Its quite strange, for all my cries of self preservation, I still can't stop caring, I can't cut those final ties and just close myself off from loving him, if I did that I think deep down I would stop loving everything. There is no middle of the road. When you close yourself off its just done.And then its not even as though I wouldn't love him, I would just not acknowledge that part of myself. It's not that I cease to care, I would simply hide that part of myself... sad isnt it? We spend so much time behind masks, I sometimes wonder if I even know myself. Ive been listening to "Damaged" by TLC, "Unwell" by Matchbox20, "Fool" By Shakira, "If You're Not The One" By Daniel Bedingfield, "Iris" by GooGoo Dolls, and "Everything to Everyone" by Everclear. I have them on repeat. I don't know why excatly, except each of them has certin lines that speak to my mood.*shrug*.I have to be the most depressing person I know. How Sad

xoxo SJ at 11:50 AM.

Conversations

I just got off the phone with Mi... *sigh* I miss that boy. He leaves in like an hour.
The conversation went something like-
M-Hey you sexy baby
A-Hey Mi Mi
M-How you doin? (picture Joey from Friends)
A-Ok you cant hang out with the boys anymore.
M-Im just teasing, how was your night?
A-Bad, I don't want to talk about it.
M-What happend?
A-I dont want to tak about it
M-Alright fine, what are you doing?
A-Dishes and singing "Betty Davis Eyes"
M-Ooo sing to me!
A-*sings the entire song +Cursin and Some other song on the Duets Soundtrack*
M-I would marry you just to have you sing to me
A-I sing for you now
M-alright so its really coz I wanna tap your ass
A-*gasp* what would Angel think?
M-Aww Boo, she knows youre my one true love
A-if only that were true!

And then we bullshited about what he did last night, he promised to call as soon as he got home, and write more often (which I will believe when it happens)

I dunno... the stuff he said yesterday is still running through my head... we were watching a movie and he said "He isnt worth this you know, no guy is worth losing yourself over." Which of course made me cry so he kind of pulled me aganst him and just let me cry, without saying anything, lol his white under-shirt was smeared black from my makeup,and then I was just I just kind of leaned on his chest, it was weird he took my arm, looked at it, and kissed my cut and said "Someday you will find a man who finds beauty in every part of you, even these".....

I just think... Im not meant to be loved in that way. I know Laura, Rei, Gabi, Nialle, Chris, Jessie and everyone love me in their way, in the "You are a beautiful wounded person who looks after us and are bright and blow us away" way... in the sister/friend/muse way. I know they love me... but in love is so much more then that.

FallenAngl: I think maybe Im just not meant to be loved in that sense
Rei: i don't know abbs
Rei: maybe you just haven't found the right one
Rei: maybe he's still waiting for you around the corner
FallenAngl: maybe there isnt a right one for a spiteful bitter twisted self martyring misery junkie
Rei: mmgh
Rei: abbs
Rei: you know i think you're notthing of the sort
Rei: and i'm sure others will too
Rei: just keep your chin up
Rei: everything happens for a reason
FallenAngl: did it ever occure to any of you that the reason Tristan didnt chase after me in any sense was because Im simply not worth it? And that maybe this time I really DID screw everything up?

xoxo SJ at 2:21 AM.

Saturday, March 08, 2003

Mi drove in for the weekend. We've been reminising. Hes engaged. Finally met a girl who could tame him. Shes actually really sweet, her name is Kay, shes the manager of the club where he started working when he left. He's really really in love with her, which makes me so happy for him because he deserves it. I never actually thought he would settle down. He liked getting laid to much.

I think hes changed. The first thing he did when he came in was tell me how much he loved me and missed me, that part really isnt different, but before he was being a dumbass, he looked like he wanted to cry when he saw my arms and he was sorry I had to "go though this Tristan shit" on my own.

We were watching a movie in my room and he was laying on the back of the bed, I was on my stomach with my feet against the headboard and he just sort of looked at me and shook his head. He was like "He isnt worth this you know, no guy is worth losing yourself over."
Which of course made me cry so he kind of pulled me aganst him and just let me cry, without saying anything, lol his white under-shirt was smeared black from my makeup >_<, and then I was just I just kind of leaned on his chest, it was weird he took my arm, looked at it, and kissed my cut and said "Someday you will find a man who finds beauty in every part of you, even these". He hugged me really tightly and kissed my temple.

He's out with the boys tonight, he leaves in the morning, I didn't realize how much I missed him untill I saw him again.

Speaking of missing people, I really really miss Chris.... I havent talked to him in like three days. *sigh* He wrote about me in his Bunny journal *giggle* He's so cute sometimes.

xoxo SJ at 2:19 AM.

Friday, March 07, 2003

*tear*

First I got about four hours of sleep, when I finally get up I find my black pants have two huge holes in them, so I manged to fix them and then I start having serious chest pains, AND throwing up and dizzyness. Finally I realise my ride is 15 minutes late, so I get ready to call into work and I cant find the number ANYWHERE, cant find my adress book. or hte list of numbers that is suposed to be on the fridge, finally I find a phone book. Im now suposed to be at work in 3 minutes, I call, Brabra verbally slays me, cuts me from one end to the other, and treats me like Im an irrsponcible idiot who doesnt know her own to feet, at which point I crumble (have I ever told you she never yells at anyone but me? seriously she never talks to Amiee or DJ or Joey hte way she does me, and Im the one that does everything for her. Yet another case of me being the whipping boy) then I was so upset I started hyperventalating and sobbing and passout. cracked my head.
Its stopped bleeding now, but I what a fucking ciggie. *cries* Someone take care of me pelase.

xoxo SJ at 11:35 AM.

GARG!

why is it that NOTHING is working this morning? I have to be at work at 11, Tammi is picking me up at 10:30, But the world decided that Abby should not be allowed to sleep past 9:15. Everyone and their friggin dog called me this morning! And its not like Im witty at that hour of the morning. In fact more then anything right now I am having chest pains, and experancing severe exahustion, and like Im going to be sick at any moment. I can't get warm and I just want to go back to bed. Last night Laura and I got into a discussion about what I really think is going on with me or something like that, and what I think I need to do about it, and I guess... I just dont even know. I have no roadmap, no direction, I have nothing. *sigh* And Im sick of everyone patting me on the head and telling me "Itll will all be better in time" or something like that.I ate last night and I really wish I wouldn't have, I am so cold and tired and sick. Kenneth was being a meanie butt too. He was teasing me because he still got to be in bed :-P The boy ought to be smacked. He should have to go to work for me. That'll show him!Alright Im gonna end this i need to finish my hair.

xoxo SJ at 10:15 AM.

Update on my life

*silence*

That is right. Abby has no life. I went to work last night, it went ok. Joey Was actually nice for a change. I just didnt want to be there and we were so dead. We did a $49.00 hour on drive with 19 costomers, compare that to last friday when I worked and we were up in the 100s. Not that I mind, it was just sooooooo boring!

My life is mostly borning now though. I haven't talked to Chris in what feels like forever, or Gabi in a few days. My inner five year old is feeling neglected and unloved. Gabs is making friends here and its not that i mind because I am too (I just adore Kenny) But as much as I hate to admit this, I don't like the idea of sharing Gabs. Isnt that just sad?

I dunno... no one ever leaves me notes, though Kenny has the cutest comment about me, I just.... as pathetic as this is I need validation... i need to be the center of someones world. I know thats so wrong, and goes against everything I tell people but I DO damn it.

The worst part is the thinking about Tristan, and missing him so much. I can't help it. I think about it and out of all of the guys Ive "been with" Trist is... Tristan was my everything, and it hurts that he's so happy. Its crushing me that he can walk away so easily... and yet I brought it to myself. Somehow I know this is my fault....

I talked to Gilli last night about it. I told her what he said (in case everyone doesnt know, he called me a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring misery junkie) and at first she said "I know he didn't mean it, its just the break up is so fresh thats all" But some of those things... he said to me a long time before we broke up... so then she changed her mind and he was just a "dumb boy" (gotta love those friends who stick by you) and then we sort of stopped talking and about 20 minutes later she IMed me and was like "You aren't you know.... you aren't those things he said, I know it might look like that, but its just because you put everyone else before yourself, not to be a martyr, you aren't self martyring" So then I ask her what I was and she said she didn't know, but it wasnt self martyring....

I talked to Jay too.. showed her some of my poetry, at which point she said "uh oh" because she remembered that I once told her I can only truely write when life is painful, when it hurts so much I can hardly breathe and if I dont write I will die. Then the conversation turned to plays and somehow it came up that out of all of his female leads I identafy most with Ophelia.... which is sort of morbid and sad....

And to add insult to injury Im giving up smoking... Id rather not die of black lungs and ugliness if thats quite alright. *sigh* I feel so completely drained right now... I didnt get to bed till five, Donny and I had a spat because... well more then anything he hurt my feelings but that isnt hte point.... but as always Gabi and Kenneth made me smile...

I feel like Im failing everyone being stuck here, someone actually asked me the other day if I "planned on getting better any time soon"... the problem is for all my advice, for all the times I've said "You must love yourself, you must place value on who you are" I dont know how. I dont know how to be important. I dont know how to give myself what I need... I dont know how to care about what happends to me, for the simple fact that I am. I dont know howto care that Im slowly killing myself by not eating, or sleeping and cutting... I simply dont know.... anything anymore.

xoxo SJ at 4:36 AM.

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Nightmares

Nightmares and insomnia. Its truely evil. I actually hadn't had this dream for awhile. It's not one I like to talk about but at the moment Im shaking. When I was 12 my cousin molested me, when I was 14 my boyfriend at the time raped me (well he did a lot more then that but thats a moot point). For years I've had reoccuring nightmares about both events. They went away... just sort of stopped. About the time I started seeing Steven, which would have been last Spring (like four or five realtionships ago). Every so often though they come back, but for the most part they just left....Untill tonight. I'd been having fucked up dreams lately anyway, about Tristan, chasing him, being lost, bad thoughts. But the nightmare is back. I guess... I dont know maybe its symbolic. Every man I've ever loved has abused me, left me, or used me. Maybe I should be happy in my solitude. There are so few people you meet in life you can really trust, and Tristan is right, when life gets really hard I try to self-distruct. I try to go back into my shell and close myself off. Before I met Claire and Sonya no one really saw me, loved me, and then Kirsten came into my life, and then I joined TD.... thats when Laura, Rei, Chris, Gabi and everyone came into my life, and its so hard, I never asked them to care, I never asked them to love me, never asked them to care, but they do, and now my pain is not my own. When I suffer those around me suffer, and feel inadiquit because they cant stop my tears/pain. I hate that I hurt them when I hurt. I love you guys, never forget that.Then there is Donny. Donny is... Donny is me except male. Donny tries to take care of everyone, but himself, and tries to hide the bad parts of himself, there are three parts to Donny:Simon the writer part of him, the part that comes out in his poetry and essays.Public Donny the person he is to the rest of the world. The one who looks after everyone and puts himself second.Core Donny which is the part of him not many people see, and I have been lucky enough to be let in. He tells me about his fears, his pain, we share an understanding.Donny left AIM running while he's in bed, if I need him Im suposed to IM him till he comes back. Donny is a rare and beautiful man

xoxo SJ at 4:33 AM.

Monday, March 03, 2003

Aww! I am a happy Abby today! LoL. I was going through the Poetic Justus ring last night, and I found Kenneth's profile and diary. He was talking about his breakup, or rahter made a referance to the eat icecream and wallow about phase of a breakup. And I had to tell him it was better then then drink yourself blind and sleep with anything that moves phase! (Epp! not that I know anything about that, Abby has never thrown herself at anyone! *hides*)

And then he sent me a thank you email, and I wrote him back with just a quick pickme up note, becuase it helps to know that people DO care you know? That you arent alone. And aww bless he wrote me back. LoL I think we exchanged emails for like 10 whole minutes, but then my computer died *kicks her piece of crap computer* damn thing. Im glad I made him smile. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I've been listening to Everclear for like.. two days now, almost non-stop. I love their "So much for the Afterglow" cd! "Everything to Everyone" is my song. Which I know is so sad, but it is. But more then trying to be everything to everyone, it just.. happends. (aww bless I got another email fron him!) I refuse to give up on people because I remember being walked out on, self perservation or not, I couldn't stand the thought that the one time I think about myself, something bad happend and I wouldn't be there to stop it. I couldn't live with myself if that happend.

Jay talked to me last night. She thinks when she broke up with me she was just running because she wasn't sure what she felt for me, and what she did feel scared her.

How the hell do these people find me! I mean really? These emotinally confused and fucked up people, do I have it tattooed on my forehead?! Sheesh! *throws a tizzy fit* Oh! And the icing on the cake, shes completely jealous that Rei and I are close. Its like it pisses her off that I understand Rei and we have a friendship that doesnt include her. *runs around in a circle screaming and pulling at her hair*

Well I should probably bounce now as Im talking to Kenneth, Andrew, Laura and Sarah, and if I write anymore Im just going to get upset again.<3Abby

xoxo SJ at 3:31 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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