SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Some wrongs can never be righted, friendships are lost, and even if it hurts you have to let go.I never once thought I'd believe that. Not until today. One fought for what they loved, but suddenly the fights gone out of me. Theres no point anymore, no point in begging or bleeding or crying. A sense of numbness came over me today when Missa called. We talked about finals and grades and how Travis wont stay away from his sister. We talked about burnout and old hurts and letting go.She was right, I will spend the rest of myself slowly backing away from the person that I was. And there are times, sins and actions that can't ever be righted. You just have to let go and move on.Appointment the 20th with another doctor. Im a little nervous. I don't know if I can go through more tests and hopes and all of that shit just to end up with another doctor who thinks everyone should be medicated and never listens to what Im really telling him. Because while I admit I need something, even being on pills isnt going to help with all the old shit Im working through.Im worried about Missa. I saw more cuts today. I can't condem or condone, it just makes me sick to think about how badly shes got to be hurting to go back to that. I know most of the problem at the moment is traced back to Jason and stress about the school and the play. Going to a late late late dinner with Mom. We'll camp out and Denny's for an hour or so probably. We haven't done that in awhile. Last night I was laying on her bed watching TV (another thing that hasnt happend in awhile) after she picked me up from class and we talked. About things I never thought Id admit to her. We talked about Dad and my friends and how Im feeling and what Im feeling. She said something about not understanding why I would let people who hurt me at all back into my life. I told her that it wasnt a fair thing to say because look at everything Jay and I went through, and now shes one of the only people I feel like I can talk to without fear of judgment. Its all about growing up. She smiled and kissed my forehead. Then we went back to making fun of Leno.Sometimes I really love my mom. Sometimes I can't stand her.Right now Im emotinally and physically drained. But I am slightly happy that Chairity will be back as soon as tomorrow night. I've really missed her these last few weeks and I dont know what Id do with out her. It was great when she came up for the summerschool meeting last month and we went to see 13 going on 30. Finals are approching bleck. Im not worried about English, we're having our acting one a week early, Im trying to find out about an incomplete for Math and Cultural Anthro wont be a problem if I get my ass in gear... the problem is at the moment Id rather be in bed. Or even better, with people. I hate being alone lately. I can't quite stand the sound of my own voice in my head anymore.Im tired and Chris is on so Im going to do something productive. Like glomp and snuggle him for an hour. *nod*

xoxo SJ at 9:54 AM.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Im caught between hungover and drunk. Last night was great, we went to Megs, and at first I wasn't going to drink, but Hopie made me a mixer with Pineapple Juice, Rum, and some whiskey I think, then I was watching Tristin 'n Megs doing shots, so I had her set me up, I think in all I had like 6 shots of crown Royal, three of Canadian Mist, five of vanilla rum, and one of Pepermint Shnaps because J is a bastard who drank the rest of the bottle. Fucker head. And then whatever we mixed in with Coke or Mango juice. We were all sitting around and Megs pulled out her water bong, and starts paking it. I joked about taking a hit, and then she's like "Ill straight up show you how dude" So she showed me, I did it, Hopie is sitting in the corner and is like "Dont hold the choak too long on her first hit" and then about an hour later I still wasn't feeling it, so she gave me another two hits, then shotgunned me twice (second time she added a little tongue lol). It was alright. Nothing to write home about.Tristin kissed me (twice actually), then Megs bit my nipple (I still had my shirt on :-P). I think we got a picture of me and Tristin kissing. It was really funny she sat back on the floor and was like "You have a really soft tongue"A lot of other shit happend, I licked Kimber, Tristin, and Megs. I would have licked Jacob but his cheek was hairy. Im a very lovey drunk, and I giggle a lot.. but my head is really starting to hurt so Im going to go... maybe write more later.

xoxo SJ at 9:53 AM.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Who am I to judge you, but I know I do. I know I tell you you're wrong because I don't agree... but its not my life. Perhaps its fear, the fear of losing you, of watching you kill yourself, of knowing I could have tried to stop you but didn't because it was "your life"....If it were me what would you do? I don't remember now everything you ever did, only that somehow it never got through and I had to hit bottom after bottom for my life to stop hurting.....But it never happend, my life still hurts. I still cry, I still scream, I still make mistakes. Thats how Ive grown.. yet in ten years I wont be a rotting pile of flesh with a razor blade in one hand and a joint in the other with a bottle of whiskey between my knees. I won't let myself be that.You're so much more... but I can't fix you. You're hell bent on being the victim, on being misunderstood and yelled at...Im so tired of everyone today. So tired of Travis and his drama, and his "I wanted you but it scared me" bullshit. Don't tell me now, don't tell me when Im over you, don't try to put me back in that place. I don't want to be there anymore. I am not a fucking toy for your amusment asshole. You didn't take the chance when you had it.Class was horrible this morning, I know I failed the test. I KNOW I did, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Life goes on. Acting wasn't so bad, worked with Jacob again on our monologues, he was really helpful, and seemed to appreciate everything I had to tell him. After class I was standing around talking to Jenifer, Travis and Tony, (Tony is mui yummy by the by). We were goofing around and then Travis just licked me. Like out of no where. It was gross, and weird since he freaked out when I threatened to lick him earlier. Whatever.I was almost asleep in Anthropology, infact Im almost asleep over the keyboard now. I think that means I have to go.

xoxo SJ at 9:52 AM.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Went to class yesterday, skipping today to catch up on homework. Got my Observation paper done and handed in, and my Essay for English. I felt accomplished, the only place I'm really having trouble is with the extra credit for Cultural Anthropology, and Math. And the whole math thing is a blow to my pride as I'm in Dummy Math to begin with. I hate Math60. Krough makes it hella confusing. Spent most of the day in the lab, and most of the morning with Trinity and Kimber, mostly because I ran into Trin while everyone was smoking, and didn't want to go to the Grill alone to get Kimbers breakfast since she was working at the Cultural Center at 10. She hooked me into volunteering. Woohoo *happy butt wiggle dance*Then I wrote my paper, which took me all of an hour after I'd procrastinated all morning, and most of the term *sheepish smile* Oh well, its done handed in, and I'm starting on the next assignment today. I completely forgot to write about my English grade. Stockton is a hard grader, never gives A's, but dun dun dun, I have one and I got one on my last paper too. Wooohooo! I got a message from Colleen today, but I guess it doesn't matter. The things she said didn't upset me like that used to. There's no point in even arguing with her, one because she's right about a lot of it, and two because its a futile argument. Life's too short to spend pissed off and defending yourself all the time. Especially when most of the accusations are true. I suppose my last entry upset people, and they had every right to be if that's how they choose to look at it. I was airing frustrations, I was trying to work through whatever bad feelings at I had going out to the world, and more so the bad thoughts I was thinking about myself. I'm not really mad at Jay, or Gabi, or Colleen or Nialle, or Shaun, or half of the other people I wrote about. I'm frustrated with situations that I can't fix no matter how I try.Life goes on.

xoxo SJ at 9:51 AM.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Fury

Im mad at Laura for being a pot head
Im mad at my mom for being a ditz
Im mad at Gran for being sick
Im mad at my friends for never being there
Im mad at Tristin for coming back with "My Grandma wont make it much longer either." when I tried to talk to her about whats going on with me.
Im mad at Jerry because hes a pompus ass
Im mad at my cousin John for getting sick because I still need him as a big brother figure
Im mad at my Dad for never being around
Im mad at my sister for being a selfish bitch
Im mad at Trisha for being like me and being a hypocrite
Im mad at Travis because Im never good enough
Im mad at Nate because hes in AZ
Im mad at Shaun because I dont know him anymore and I can't run to him
Im mad at Jay because I never get to talk to her anymore even though its not her fault
Im mad at Nialle for not caring enough to even write back
Im mad at GOD because of the abuse and shit Ive gone through
Im mad at my doctors for not fixing me
Im mad at my body for being ugly, scarred and imperfect.
Im mad at my hair for never doing what it should
Im mad at my insecurties because they hold me back
Im mad at my Aunts for enabling my mother
Im mad at every boy I ever dated for making me hate me
Im mad at V because I feel infearror to her
Im mad at Aly for cutting because she made me promise I wouldnt
Im mad at the house for never being clean
Im mad at Jake for being shallow
Im mad at Kimber for being a pessimist
Im mad that I cant find a razor blade
Im mad that I cant find peace
Im mad that the tears wont stop today
Im mad that waterproof mascarra isnt waterproof
Im mad that I cant even fucking talk to someone whos supposed to be my best friend because shes up on her high and mighty fucking horse.
Im mad that no one hears the screams.
Im mad that I cant breathe
Im mad that Im sofficating and cant get out.
Im mad at Gabi for walking out on me
Im mad at Colleen for turning her back on me
Im mad at myself because I left them no choice
Im mad at myself because I hate who I am
Im mad at myself because I feel out of control again

xoxo SJ at 5:46 PM.

Friday, May 07, 2004

A Granddaughters tears

I hate you forgetting old. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not being there to make baby blakets for Great Grandkids you may never have. I hate you for not understanding what Im saying anymore. I hate you for not being here when I get home from class. I hate you for abandoning me when Im not all grown up yet.You job isnt done! Dont you know that? Dont you know I need you? I need you here with me and well so you can kiss away the pain when I fall on my face, or to dry the tears that fall. I need you to be there with chocolate chip cookies, and hugs that mend the heart. I need you to be proud of me when I succed and love me when I fail...But if you're gone you can't do that, and it hurts and its scary and Im not ready to do it on my own yet. My whole life Ive been your baby, your very last one... Im only Nineteen, Im not really grown up yet so your job isnt done, and you cant leave me till it is...But everyday you grow more weak... and since they told you about your heart condition you dont even want to try anymore. And I hate you for not trying, for not holding on. You're giving up and its not fair! How can I get through you dying without you?

xoxo SJ at 3:45 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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