SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Eggs and Ketchup on my Walls

Someone recently told me, “Light will follow Darkness.” I was tempted to ask them when and how they were so sure. As of late I find myself waiting out the night, feeling surrounded, out numbered, at risk of losing everyone I love. This is of course an irrational fear. My friends are young and healthy, my family well kept for the moment at least, and I am in no danger lest it be dying of a broken heart.

Yet this fear has stayed with me, I thought with the weeks since the funeral it would have dissipated at least a little, yet I still find myself waking up at night in a cold sweat. Often I’m gripped by a fear so strong I have to call my mother to be sure she’s ok. I find myself clinging to her in ways I didn’t know were possible. I feel like I’m constantly looking for validation.

Night is the worst time though. I haven’t been scared of the dark since I was like nine, but I find myself leaving on lights before I go to bed now. I watch TV till I’m too tired to focus anymore and then drift off into what can’t really be called sleep… I don’t eat, I manage a few hurried bites of lunch and dinner then rush off to class or to work on a project I have due, or to find more information for my research paper.

I’ve been pushing my feeling down again, ignoring the hurt and pain. I’ve been trying not to cry again, so much so sometimes my eyes burn with tears I can’t let myself cry. Its all manifested itself in these moments of rage that I can’t control. Today I threw a plate of eggs at the kitchen wall… followed by a half hour of crying with my head in my hands.

Who is this person I’ve become, what is this thing growing inside me?

It feels like my demise.

I’m back sliding hard core, but I don’t know how to stop it, and those around me can’t even see it because Ive made plenty sure its only behind closed doors.

Oh the Drama
Oh the Angst
How I haven’t missed thee.

end

xoxo SJ at 11:08 PM.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

And sometimes... it hurts so much I can't even cry

Was it devine intervention
Or Gods greatest sin?

Im weak
And Im tired

From fighting my way back in

And you're gone
Locked in the cold cold ground

And Im broken
And Im choaking

On my own heresy

No divine intervention
Just blasphemy

'Cause God's greatest sin
Took you from me.

Sometimes it hurts so much all I can do is lay in bed and wish the tears would come. Sometimes I feel like theres nothing left in the whole world worth doing or seeing. Sometimes I feel like the harder I try the more Im lying.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write since the funeral. I walk around between bouts of tears feeling like a fruad. Or being angry at those around me for being happy.

I managed to clear my head for awhile, long enough to bang out a speech and the missing Act from Much Ado About Nothing. I also took my Psych test...

The weekends are the hardest. I haven't gotten to the point yet where it doesnt feel wrong to not be with her on Sunday afternoons.

I miss her so much...

But the hardest part is Ive missed her for so long. The woman we burried was not the Grandmother that raised me. She died a long time ago... but I always had this substitute. I had this thing that sometimes would look and sound like her...

Now all I have are pictures that are too painful to look at anymore.

Im so tired.

xoxo SJ at 11:07 PM.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here,
ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard, to rule and guide.
Amen

Beulah Lane Mondy McGinty was born on September 18th 1917 and passed from this life on January 7, 2005. She was preceded in death by her cherished husband William Henry McGinty, twin infant daughters, and seven of her siblings. She is survived by two siblings, Carl Mondy and Rosemary Mackey, as well as her four children, their spouses and scores of beloved grandchildren and great grandchildren who will miss her greatly.

The belief in family above all else was the essence of my Grandmother. I’ve tried to sum up her life in a paragraph, but nothing seems more fitting then that simple statement. Nothing mattered to her as much as her grandchildren or their happiness. She was the sort of woman who made every person she came into contact with feel as though they were loved. While I’m sure we each could fill a book with special memories, my personal favorite is the way she taught her grandchildren the “Angel of God Prayer” because she felt that “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” was too scary for her babies before bed.

Though it is with great sadness we say good-bye, we will always carry with us her presence, her love, and her light.

xoxo SJ at 11:06 PM.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Aunt Carol told my mother Grandma died in peace. That though there had been pain she just drifted away. What she neglected to tell my mother that she later told me was that the fucking pieces of shit that were supposed to be taking care of her, the people we paid to look after her, keep her safe, neglected her all fucking night before she died. ALL FUCKING NIGHT.
When the last person from afternoon shift went off it was the last time for EIGHT FUCKING HOURS SHE HAD A GOD DAMN PAIN PILL.

The second night durty person didn't come on because they're fucking stupid, SO the one remaining person- who was passing fucking meds, neglected her for EIGHT FUCKING HOURS. My beautiful Grandmother, the woman that raised me, lay there for eight hours in excrusating pain, and no one went to her. NO ONE was there. She was in pain and alone.

She was in pain and alone because it "creeped" the med guy out to go in her room. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! Its an assisted living home! Thats your fucking JOB you FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

And when he called the administration of Annabell House she was TOO FUCKING DRUNK to do a God Damned thing about it! They didn't call anyone in, they didn't even call my fucking Aunt Carol who WORKS there and lives ten fucking minutes away! But any other night theres a problem they don't hesitate to fucking call! They neglected my Grandmother for eight hours!

I feel sick. I feel like my stomach is in a knot so tight Im going to throw up. I have shooting pains up my spine and through my arm and my heart feels as though its going to burst from my chest. Im so angry that I could kill.

She was alone, and in pain, and theres nothing I can do about it.

The thing that makes me sickest, last night before I knew all of this, I was telling my little sister Katie how wonderful they were, how concerned, how dedicated. Dedicated my fucking ass, she was a check to them! Thats all! They couldn't afford to lose anymore residents thats why they were so fucking accomidating.

And that fucking whore of an administrator didn't even pick up her fucking cell phone, hit one fucking number, and call my Aunt. She could have been there in ten minutes....

I keep thinking if I hadn't gone back to school I could have done it. I could have been with her.

I hope they all fucking die horrible painful deaths, because no matter what it is, it will not due justice to the suffering they put her through, what we now as her family have to endure knowing she suffered.

I FUCKING HATE YOU

xoxo SJ at 11:05 PM.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Today, The Seventh of January 2005, my Grandmother Beulah Lane McGinty passed away due to complications from old age.

May she rest in peace.

xoxo SJ at 4:04 PM.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn Right its betta then yours

We're half way through the first week of the new Quarter. Yey! Things are actually going really well, Amy is going to let me barrow her essay book thing so I can read it before class. Whoopy! And I've already got Shakespeare in the bag. Psych was interesting yesterday and I can't wait for tomorrows class (theres lots of eye candy in there) Moms picking me up at 8:30 tonight so I don't have to walk back to my room in the dark and cold.

Grandma is getting progressivly worse, I will spare everyone the details and just leave it at that. Im just trying to keep my head on straight and focus on school I will have a 3.0 by the end of the term or I'll die trying. I don't want to feel like a fuck up anymore.

Last night Jay gave me a bit of a reality check- a much needed and completely deserved reality check. I still don't know how exactly Im going to go about righting everything but Im going to try.

I'm trying to decide onm the topic for my research paper. Im torn between Gay Rights and Female Gentinal mutilation. Its something that should keep my attention and be relitivly easy to find information on. Bleh don't want to think about it yet.

All and all its shaping up to be a pretty great term.

xoxo SJ at 11:03 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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