SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

bleh

Bought a pack of cigarettes last night. Impulse buy. I was standing at the counter, getting my Sunflower seeds since I live on them now, and got a pack of reds. So far I've only smoked like four. Thats not bad really. Ok maybe a little since it dispells the myth I only smoke when I drink. I wish I was drinking.

I don't know whats up with me tonight. I just feel... pissy. I don't have any idea why but theres a hard knot settling in my stomach and all I want is a bottle of Crown Royal and a soppy movie.

Bryan called me this afternoon from work. I told him I was going out to Lunch with mom, hung up, and went back to bed. Im tired of telling him I don't want to be with him. I blocked his cell number, and all of his AIM names. Its creepy how he gets obsessive.

Going to go take a long shower and hopfully wash away some of hte negitivity Im cultivating... after I have a cigarette and some sunflower seeds.

xoxo SJ at 1:43 PM.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Grow

My computer no longer hates me and will let me post entries- but it came at the cost of over 600 graphics I'd made because my backup disks were shit. Life goes on but I was rather annoyed when it happend. Fuckin technology man.

I start school in a month, Im... nerviously excited. This year needs to be different. I know I can't make it through another one like the last... though a major part of that- Clare- is no longer ever going to be a part of my life. I finally see things clearly. I finally understand- about her, about myself, about what it all was... but its all still too painful, to shaming to write down yet.

Shame.

What an ugly word, yet in my mental imagry, its almost all I see. Shame, dissapointment, worthlessness... all such ugly words we breed into our vocabulary. Why should someone at 19 be dissapointed in all they've become, or feel worthless for all they can't be. Why do we place in little girls heads the ideal of the perfect woman whos unatainable, unachieveable, and down right unhealthy.

Why do I hate myself because Im not a size 6. Why do I punish myself because I fall in love with dicksmacks who don't treat me right? Why do I pour my heart and spill my blood for a father who did the best he could but could never be what I needed.

Why?

Why do women find it easy to love unconditionally those around them, but condition the love they grand themselves?

"I'd love myself if I were a better mom"

"I'd love myself if I looked like Angelina Jolie"

"I'll love myself when I get to my goal weight"

"I'll love myself when I find a man to love and respect me"

"I'll love myself if I can get this job"

"I'll love myself when my friends and family accept me"

I've said most of those. I've fed into this vision of myself- the self martyring fuck up. The under apprciated, over worked, misunderstood, broken, Princess of Teenage Masochistic Rebelion.

I wore my pain with pride and never once tried to really get better. Never once really gave myself over to the freedom loving and accepting yourself gives you.

Why? Because I kept telling myself I wasn't worthy of real happiness. To really be happy takes work, it takes being able to admit you're human, that you'll make mistakes, that life will hit you like a brick wall but you will keep going on knowing there is no fault.

Its so much easier to be the Princess of Teenage Masochistic Rebelion. You can wallow there, I have for years, never really trying, never really healing, and when people walk away you blame yourself, but only to stroke your own ego, to confirm to yourself that you were never good enough. You were right once again.

Its bullshit. And its bullshit that even with the good people i have in my life, I listen to the dickduckfucks who told me what I already believed about myself. I listened everytime they told me I was worthless.

Why?

Because it was less risky then believing the people who made me try, who made me accountable.

Every persons life comes to a point where they can continue on the path theyve chosen to devert to something more promising, something better, something more fufilling.

Now is my time.

My whole life I've tried being everyone else.

I think its time to be something closer to myself

xoxo SJ at 1:41 PM.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

I can count the number of times my mom and I have really fought- really hurt eachother on one hand. But when we do, we really tear eachother up. Last night was another knotch in that belt, and its left me wishing I was dead.

As usual the fight was money. she got pissy and left with her friend Jodie. When she called later and I was bitchy she was like "Ill see you sometime tonight" and then I told her I didn't care it didn't matter she got more pissy so we just hung up. Then we didn't talk the rest of the night. I tried to talk to her this morning and she was just a cunt.

We just had a blowup about it and she sat there screaming at me and crying and I honestly- with my whole heart- wish I was dead. I don't just wish it, I need it. I don't want to be in this place anymore. I can't take it. I just can't.

Im sorry.

xoxo SJ at 1:41 PM.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Bitch Bitch Bitch

I feel like thats all I do lately. I hate even IMing Jay and Kath anymore because Im sure they're sick of hearing my petty grievances with the world. I don't know why Im so negitive lately, part of me wonders if its not my pills- or the fact that Im walking around feeling like I have softballs for ovaries and still no blood. Im tired all the time, I could honestly just sleep for days. Thats all I want to do lately- besides worrying about Katie. Things between my stepmom and my dad have gone to shit apparently. I don't care so much about either of them, just how they're screwing Katie up right now with how they're acting.

Today was very very long. After several faild attempts last night to sleep, M. and I got started on our Abby/Drago ship. We staied up till like five my time working on one thread. Then I had to get up at 6 to go with mom to court, it was so early I couldn't eat so I couldn't take my pills, so by the time we got there I had a bitch of a headach. Moms fine is going to cost $150, but she gets to keep her licence and won't have to do any com. service or spend two nights in jail.

The problem is of course lack of money. I have 336 left in my savings- which I swore I wasn't going to touch. However due to food needs, room needs, stuff for Moms classroom, a car payment and insurance payment so she could get off as easy as she did, I had to. I know Lesley will be upset or maybe more to the point worried about me. But... I just have to do what I have to do to keep the peace. Im tired of fighting all the time. Besides, in a sense she was right, she maxed out credit cards and barrowed from her retirment to pay for my first and last terms and books. I know as a mother she should, but Im also not bringing any money in, or paying rent. I still don't like the way she approched it with me though.

The only reason Im really worried about money is because my doctors appointment on Monday, with the weight lose specialist will be 120/130 for all the blood work, and whatever else he does for first timers. Thats not so bad except I havent paid on tuition, or bought books, or heard about my finacial aid yet. Or the dorms either. Im so tired right now I could just sleep for days...

Im also back on my pills. Which kills my creativity- however I know I need it because I bottomed out hardcore last weekend- besides being a bitch and a half to everyone, I went hard core on an eating beinge, and starting thinking really bad things I don't even like admiting to. FOR NO REASON. In fact if anything I should have been happy. I spent time with Kimber, Jaymie and Shaun were being super supportive, Kath was back online... but I just kept thinking "Life for everyone would be better if I was dead". I knew then I needed to start taking it again, no more of this weining myself off because I get mental. And its scary. And with this big move to the dorm if I don't take it we're looking at a hard core meltdown when Im out of the house. I CANT do that to myself. I've worked too hard and invested too much to back slide now... but taking the pills... it kills the spark in me. Everything I write lately is trite and over done... and it scares me.

I don't want to be normal- being average is my greatest fear.

xoxo SJ at 1:39 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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