SUPERNOVA*

Friday, December 24, 2004

Burnout.

Total burn out.

I love my family, really I do, but I feel like... I dont know. Everythings such a mess right now. I feel like Im drowning in this sea of darkness, Im so busy being brave for everyone else I haven't let myself fall apart. Ive shoved it down and dissapeared when I needed to cry.

We made it through Christmas. Everyone was here because just before that it was almost a sure thing she'd be gone. Last Tuesday we thought we had hours. The smell of death was so thick it made me sick...

She has her good days and her bad days and its much harder when her good days go bad. She gets really confused and yells a lot. She keeps telling us to fix her, but we cant.

The other night she thought she was having a heart attack. She had chest pains and arm pains, and it hurt her so much she was in tears... all I could do was sit there and hold her hand... I sat by her bed till four or five. Finally she fell back to sleep and I curled up there on the floor by her bed and went to sleep.

I know... for her, shes in so much pain it would be better if it were over. I know that. I know Im being selfish and Im hurting for my own loss, my own mortality...

I cried for hours when I realized this will be our last Christmas with her. She wont see me graduate. She wont see proverbial babies. She wont sit front row on the day of my wedding.

I know logically I'll still have my mom and my dads still alive and we're getting closer again. I know that. But in my heart everyday I lose her I feel more and more like an orphan.

xoxo SJ at 11:03 PM.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Everythings so blurry and everyones so fake

A week to ten days. That sentance kept playing through my mind last night. I kept thinking about it, and what it really meant. Grandma is back in the hospital. Her blood count was still going down yesterday. At best they can give her another transfusion, but the doctor said anything after that is just cruel... and just as likely to kill her. Which really makes me sad. Like the first time we said "No recesitation" it was hard but doable, and its like by the thrid time they asked I felt sick.... If the bleeding doesnt stop she has ten days at the most... even if it slows down we only have a few more months... shes so confused..

Im trying to pretend everything doesnt hurt.

Im just trying to get through finals.

xoxo SJ at 11:02 PM.

Friday, December 10, 2004

yeeea

Today has blown. Actually last night blew, today is just rements of that. I did manage to get my paper sent off and all that super duper fun stuff! *twirls fingers* Apprently Cat thinks Im a caniving bitch. I don’t really care what she has to say to me, however I don’t like that shes talking shit about me to other people. Like that’s not cool at all. I mean she doesn’t even know me, shes basing this off one conversation we had about Christina, because I said I thought Christina was lying about even thinking she was pregnant. Like I really don’t even care about any of them anymore, I bust my ass and get nothing back.

I had lunch with Kadie yesterday, it was nice. She and Jake are officially together, which is cool but them living together is totally a mistake. It’s a mistake she has to make for herself. Don’t get me wrong, Jake’s a great guy but… shes only 18 and they’re both in for a world of surprise and hurt when things sour. Already they’re having problems because hes up her ass about school. Like the other day she didn’t go to class and he told her if she didn’t then she couldn’t live there, even though shes paying rent just like Willow and doing well in all her classes. This of course pissed Kadie off

xoxo SJ at 11:01 PM.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

GRRRR

I had a fight with Lesley today. She just keeps pushing, and right now I need a moment to gather myself. Then she screamed at me and I cried. I was up till almost five reading over material from class for Math. I’m so exhausted right now. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I’m a chicken running around with my head cut off.

I got registered today. I’m taking Psych 201, WR123, Shakespeare, and Ethnic Studies I can’t take my math because the only available time slot contradicts with other stuff, and the professor who offers it is a shmuck. I’m so stressed over it I can’t even see straight. I feel like I’m running in circles.

My stomach is killing me, but Ive got to make it through Math, then I have to make it through dinner, then tomorrow night Jodie is going to help me study my ass off. At some point tonight I’ve got to get up to the office at the dorms and talk to them about changing my meal plan. I can’t claim my dads address as mine because I still wouldn’t be a legal Oregon resident. Im soo annoyed with the fucking bureaucracy of college life. GRR!!!!

xoxo SJ at 11:00 PM.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

And the world falls to pieces

Everything is so fucked up right now. I went last night to talk to the Financial Aide office because they were supposed to have a check for me. However, due to my own stupidity, instead of Moms parentplus loan adding to my money for the term, it took away from it because while at one point I only owed 385, I now owe 500 something. When she applied and accepted her loan, then that canceled out my unsubsidized loan because it declared me as a dependant.

This means I am 3000 dollars short for the year, which means each term I will be 500 short. Which means I can’t fucking afford to go to school. Even if I can manage to scrape together that money it would involve not only moving home, but I STILL wouldn't be able to pay for my books.

Seriously, I'm like on the verge of bursting into tears thinking about it. I'm a mess. I had a total freak out last night. Mom actually said to me "What’s the harm in taking off six months" The harm is, I would be trapped, yet again, under that roof, day in day out with her and the cats and never having anything of my own. Never having a place to fall without her telling me I'm selfish.

I feel like every time I get a little bit out of the hole, there is someone there trying to shove me back into that box. I will never make it. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. I can’t live with her, I will die. It’s like… I have nothing of my own; every time I try to make my life better someone rips it away.

That’s how I felt last night. And then today I come in, I have a cold, I feel like shit, I’m still on my period, and I’m trying to talk to Lesley about what happened and she’s like “we all have problems” Ok I know that everyone has problems, I know right now everyone is stressed… but what I don’t need is someone making me feel like I’m selfish for needing to vent, for needing to get it out of me.

I’ve been locking this shit up so tight for so long, playing a part, smiling for everyone else, that I’ve made myself sick. I’m not sleeping at night, I can’t keep anything down when I eat. Every second of everyday I want to fall to pieces and just bawl my eyes out. I can’t do this anymore. I cant be this person anymore. I don’t… I don’t want to live this life this way because it isn’t really living at all.

ANd maybe none of my online friends see it because I don't do it here. I go silent, or stray away, and maybe no one even understands why Im so upset, and maybe it doesnt even matter except that I feel completley trapped and I can't breathe anymore.

I just got out of that cesspool. I’ve had a taste of freedom, of being on my own, and now someone wants to shove me back in that little box and I will, without a doubt suffocate. I cant live like this. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I’ve tried to be a good person.

This just proves no good deed goes unpunished.

Mom thinks I’m being melodramatic, but I mean it. Without school, there is nothing but a black void and no future. I have nothing. There is nothing else out there. And I will die in that house, with four cats and a mother who makes me hate myself.

xoxo SJ at 3:58 PM.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

You Make Me Want To LaLa

It wasn’t exactly like I thought; moving out I mean. It wasn’t a solve all, and I’m not grown up. I still spend a lot of time lying to myself… and to everyone else about myself. I still write, badly if you ask me. I still cry over sappy movies, and get frustrated with my own sense of right and wrong. When I look back over the last three years I wonder whats really changed at all?

There are people I loved so much it hurt, and I lost due to my own stupidity. There are people I loved so much it scared me and I lost them because I ran… and the thing Im learning, I mean really learning once it’s gone… there’s no going back. Ever.

Even if its someone you can pretend with, someone who will act like nothing happened. At the heart of it, you both KNOW it did. That’s where I am right now. I keep thinking back, remembering a simpler time… but there’s nothing there anymore. I don’t know that one ever heals from these moments. I don’t know what you ever let it go…

I listened to the CD she made me last night, flipped through lyrics and remembered when she meant every word of everything promise she made… The hardest part of it all is knowing I did it, I drove her away because I had had to be right. I made myself unlovable.

Ugh I’m dwelling again. That’s pathetic.

I had a dream last night, about getting back together with C. I don’t know why, we haven’t talked about that forever, and the last time we did we both decided it would be best if we didn’t, because we would need to be together to be together. Anyway! The dream was weird, I only remember parts of it, and most of those are not G rated. Har. Anyway, the parts I remember and wont blush at sharing, it was like she was dating three other people, and like this was a huge issue for me, even though I told her Id be ok with it (typical girl move). And as the dream goes on, its like the message its driving home is that no matter how much she did or didn’t love me, I would always have to share her…

I have no idea what this means. However I think it might be something sort of big, which peeves me because I can’t figure it out. It’s sort of creepy given the nature of my dreams, and the fact the one I had about the whole coffee house thing was partly true. I don’t think I ever told her about that. I think it might freak her out, only because it freaked me out.

I have a serious cold going on. My nose is all runny and sore, and I can’t breathe. Bleck. Bastard sinuses.

I’m going through a huge Billy Talent phase at the moment, Billy Talent and Joss Stone. Of course there’s the ever present Smashing Pumpkins, NIN, Death Cab for Cutie, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Maroon 5, Jewel, Tori Amos, Alanis Morissette and Fiona. Nate and I are discussing our favorite bands. I just totally fell in love with The Indigo Girls and Ive gotten really into The Doors again too. I have to admit, as much as it will shame Brit and Shaun, my guilty pleasure at the moment in “LaLa” by Ashlee Simpson. “You can dress me up in diamonds. You can dress me up in dirt. You can throw me like a lineman, I like it better when it hurts.” Tara told me months ago that made her think of me. I didn’t know what ot make of that. Ha.

xoxo SJ at 10:54 PM.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

random

So its been a crazy long week in which I’ve not only destined myself to fail miserably in my own mind, but started a heinous period, which I can honestly say has made me an advocate for teen hysterectomy. Ok maybe not for everyone, but for myself. I mean if we sum up what my docs have told me anyway, I wont be able to have kids so the purpose in having a uterus, period, and mind-boggling cramps is… that’s right. There isn’t!

I swear to God, I think I’m dying. No for real, I am. It hurts so fucking bad I can’t even sleep. I’ve got a migraine to boot and I cry for NO reason whatsoever. Ugh not to mention the constant nausea. I seriously am going insane. It hurts so bad.

On to something else however- I’m working insanely hard on getting the rest of the profiles up for Missing Proph, and on the plus side have decided on a little side story for my Priestess Aoife. Yey! Anyway that’s about all I have to say ^_^

xoxo SJ at 10:51 PM.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Merffledorf

I just finished my math test for chapter four. I have a sinking suspicion I failed miserably. It only took me a half hour because there is a point when you know, no matter how much you look at the same five problems, they aren’t going to make any more sense then that have for the last twenty minutes.

I’m aggravated with myself at the moment because I feel like I should be better then this. It’s like… I know I’m a better student then this so why am I struggling so much with this concept.

In general I think its end of the term frustration, but that doesn’t tell me what to do about it. I walk around completely pissed off all the time. Even talking to certain people just pisses me off because they annoy me- like Christopher. I cannot stand that little militant fucker. Its like he holds himself to a completely different standard and its bullshit and it pisses me off. GARG!

Im also annoyed that things seem to be moving so slowly with Missing Prophecy. I know its because I don’t have time to post during the week and the weekends have been sketchy too. I just don’t know how to fix it. And I’m stumped on the two profiles I’m trying to put together. *sigh* I’m just so tired right now every time I try to word it, it comes out all wrong.

I have a paper I must finish before tonight’s class with Stockton.

xoxo SJ at 6:50 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
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♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James