SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

D. O. N. E.

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much I need to be doing and so little time to get it done in. I don’t know if I’m coming or going most days anymore. It’s sort of sad actually. Everyone says I’ve changed, I don’t see how…

I have so much on my mind. Finding out about what Emmit did to Katie, finally have her come to me and say “he raped me”, having her confide and cry on my shoulder. That pain is no longer hers alone. I watched her while we were with Grandma, watched the way she drew away from people, and it broke my heart.

I couldn’t protect her, I knew something was wrong with that relationship, I knew it was too weird, but I said nothing, I did nothing, and now for the rest of her life she will harbor this hate for him and the guilt of her last words being “I fucking hate you”

She shouldn’t forgive him for his soul, she should forgive him for her own sanity, and herself while she’s at it. But as I sit here saying that, I know that I am a hypocrite. As I sit in judgment of the way Lori is raising her girls, as I sit in judgment angry at my father for forgetting my birthday, and not even sending me a card, I know that it is hypocritical. But I can’t stop myself either.

I have come to the conclusion everything I thought was good and righteous about me is really nothing more then pomp and circumstance. I am not special; I am not even particularly a good daughter or sister.

It’s almost as though I save it all up for you, you know who you are. I save my devotion and love for you and make excuses for you and defend you even when you’re wrong. When I look at it now it makes me sick, in my heart I know that you don’t love me. You never did and you never really will. I amuse you to a point and then you just turn your back on me.

I can’t hate you though, no this relationship merely makes me hate me. It makes me hate my weakness, hate my sense of self, hate everything I do or say to justify the way we are to each other and everyone around us. I tip toe around painful issues for you, testing the waters to be sure a gentle nudge wont get my head bitten off, while you say whatever you want with little thought to the way it might make anyone feel.

I am awed by your brilliance and scarred by your callous attitude toward others- save those you believe worthy.

When did I become unworthy? When did I become a nuisance, when I did become something you tolerated and put on the back burner because you knew I’d just wait for some of your time? That’s not fair.

I can only say this now because I know you’re not reading it. I know you’re to busy with your life and master plans to pay any attention to me.

What you don’t know is I’m done waiting, I’m done looking to you for anything.

I’m just done.

xoxo SJ at 11:36 PM.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

haven't really been able to bring myself to write the last few weeks. Everything is so fucked up, I mean Ash got kicked out, Im losing my best friend. Mom and I fight constantly...

Right now though, the biggest thing, the thing that maybe has changed the way I feel about everyone, inculding myslef is the fact that I encountered the first homophobic attack on my character. Im not gay enough for my gay friends and Im not striaght enough for my straight ones.

It hurt, a lot, I cried for days, made myself sick actually. It hurt, but Ive let it go.

Sadly its left me cold. I feel... nothing unless its loathing or cynicsm. Its all left a bitter taste in my mouth and part of me wants to go back to that time when I belived we were all inherantly good people who just made bad choices.

With time my pain has turned bitter, leaving an after taste of angst.
In time I have become what I think you believe I am.

In Academic news I passed out of Psych with a C, yey. I had a B, but the final killed me. I got A's in Speech and Shakespeare. I got an A on my Female Genital Mutilation paper, so Ill pass out of 123 with a B, maybe an A-.

xoxo SJ at 11:35 PM.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

There are things that people do, without even thinking, that are completely fucked up.

They claim to be good friends, to really care about your well being, but then when it comes down to it they treat you like shit or turn their back on you.

Sometimes a person needs to be reminded someone gives a rats ass.

Only today when I logged on, not only did A. completely ignore me, but I found out all the time and effort Id put into creating subplots and twists in a story we were working on, he'd completely undone.

Hes such a fucking selfish bastard.

But of course if I told him he was being a shithead and a bad friend he'd freak out and tell me I was being a queen and if he was so horrible then we might as well not speak anymore.

Im so fucking sick of censoring myself.

Why the fuck do I believe that not having him at all is worse then being treated like I dont fucking matter.

That is wrong on so many fucking levels

Life is wrong right now though.

Not that anyone gives a flying fuck.

Kegan is up my ass to confide in him then he goes and tells Levi exactly what I say.

Im so sick of stupid people.

Ive gotten to the point I want to pull myself from every RP, every Poetry ring, every extra activity and say fuck it because its not like anyone even fucking cares if Im there or not. My ideas dont matter apprently.

Fuck you too.

xoxo SJ at 11:34 PM.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Fuck. a. Duck.

This weekend sucked major monkeys. Ashley and the guys were busted drinking in her room. What basically happened was Ash came pounding on my door last Wednesday, laughing about being trashed; I followed her back to her room and hung out for awhile to be sure she was ok. Her friend Jennifer was there (we all went to school together Jennifer is a trailer trash whore who has had more STDs then Mozart.) She was off fucking Manny, and Ahs was freaking out because apparently she has a thing for Manuel.

Anyway eventually Jayce came over, he and Manny went to get more beer, at that point I felt like I should leave but Ash was all like “No let me do anything I will regret, like telling Jay I love him”- obviously I couldn’t let myself leave after she said that. It just wouldn’t have been right. So I stayed, Jayce and Manny show back up with an 18 pack, a 24 pack, and two bottles of Boones Farm or some shit? I wasn’t really paying any attention.

Colin and Timmy show up, and I felt like I should leave then, but the guys wouldn’t move out of my way so I could get out of the door. About twenty minutes later Jade (RA) and Josh (Head RA) show up. Everyone managed to hide there shit, but I didn’t notice an almost empty 40 tucked back by Ash’s computer (where I happened to be sitting). They stood there for like fifteen minutes and bullshitted then left. Didn’t say a damn thing about it, but they couldn’t have gotten more then two steps away from the door when Timmy starts yelling “LOOK AT THAT FUCKING 40! WAY TO GO SARA!”

I left after that, my stomach hurt, I had to get up in the morning, and frankly, when you’re a sober person belligerent drunks aren’t fun. (I must apologize to Josh for all those drunk conversations we had when he was sober and I was inebriated.) I returned Mom’s phone call and about a half hour later I heard Jade and a couple other people in the hall. I stuck my head out the door and they had like four garbage sacks full of empties from Ashley’s room.

When they finally left I spent like an hour trying to calm Ashley down. She was hyperventilating so bad I thought she was going to throw up or pass out. Then Jayce and Colin come back and are like “Quit crying” and she stops crying.

You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT reason with an emotional drunk, luckily I’m a happy drunk.

Anyway I didn’t hear anything until Thursday night (after I gave a killer speech), and Holly was the one who served me, not Jade.

Anyway needless to say my mother and Aunt are very disappointed in me. I don’t really care right now. The worst thing that can really happen I guess is a fine. That will be bad, really bad, especially concidering I wasn’t drinking and would in essence be being punished for something I didn’t do. I figure its Karma, just look at all the times we didn’t get caught.

I called Katie (sister, not best friend) this weekend, she’s doing really well, a lot better then the last time we talked. I was very relieved to find out she doesn’t want to go to Ohio for her Spring Break, which means I might be able to swing a trip to see Charity in Medford, or Aunt Sue if she doesn’t go to the Coast. Worst comes to Worst I’ll go to Mom’s classroom everyday. Then I would be able to catch up on the Role Play storylines that I’ve neglected the last three weeks almost.

After I talked to Katie I made plans with Ashley, Kadie (best friend), and Lesley to go to a movie on Sunday, but Lesley ditched out on us and Ashley brought her mom because she didn’t want to be alone with her for “Mother/Daughter Bonding”. We went to see Man of The House. It was actually really funny, but then I love Tommy Lee Jones. I don’t care if he’s old enough to be my Grandfather. He’s hot, and I love his accent.

When we came back that night Jessica came over because Kegan totally blew her off, so she bitched about him for a little while, then I tried to call him and he’s like “I’m not allowed ot see Jessica anymore, Amber said” I’m like What the fuck. I didn’t want to be involved in the Drama. So I just let it drop. Then he came and bugged me while Ashley bullshitted with the guys upstairs (I didn’t know she was back. Ha.)

I finished decorating my door with Marilyn Monroe pictures, it looks really good. I also mutilated my “Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same” book jacket and stuck it on my bulletin board. I figure I’ll get my room exactly how I want it about the time Spring quarter is over and I have to move out. On the plus side I’ll get to start fresh next year.

Once I was all done with that then I showed Ash how to make backgrounds on her computer, we ditched Kegan to go to Jack in the Box without him and came back to the school in time for Emily to show us how she decorated her room. Its super cute, a total chill room where mine is like bright and in your face. Anyway Em and I hung out for awhile, talking about Music and all that fun stuff. I gave her a copy of my Joss Stone CD and then we talked about putting music to some of my poetry. Then she went to bed and I went to see Ash again. We bullshitted for awhile and then finally I made it to bed. It was like almost three again.

I had a disturbing thought last night before I fell asleep though. This is the first weekend in God knows how long, at least since the breakup that I’ve been sober. I mean stone cold sober with no plans of getting drunk that went awry. That is sort of sad. Ok that’s really sad.

Now I’ve got to work on my Research paper. Woohoo.

xoxo SJ at 11:33 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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