SUPERNOVA*

Friday, July 30, 2004

Pooh

Was supposed to go with Les to Boise today, she wanted to go shopping, and I wanted to have a day away from my mother. Don't get my wrong, the Queen of Nag is lovely at times, but lately I've wanted to tar and feather her more then converse with her. Anyway Les cant go for personal reasons that I totally understand and in a sense its good because I probably would have spent money I dont have to spend. And thats never good.

In other news last night I managed to rip off a chunk of my thumb on the brass tack thing on my jeans. Its rather sore this morning. Which royally blows, its probably going to get infected, and I know Jay thought I was shitting her last night when I was like "I just cut myself on my jeans"

Only me man.

xoxo SJ at 1:36 PM.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

ICK

I've been up since six, Im currently stuck in the computer lab developing. My stomach is killing me and Im exhausted. I spent way more money yesterday then I meant to and now Im fretting about it. I know its stupid but I just... I dont know. Somehow when its your money your wasting its different. Im so burnt outright now I dont even want to fuck with doing my negitives and shit but I have to develop today, we're almost done with processing which is good.

I got almost everything for my room but a comforter and I actually have one of those already. I just kept finding stuff yesterday that I loved, and thought I needed when I looked at it last night I realized how much of it was want stuff and not need, and while I still have like 1000 in savings, Im down to 500 in checking and it has to last me till at least the middle of september. I just dont see how.

All in all Im trying to be cheery but I dont know. I feel off. It could be the pills Im on, they're to regulate my blood sugar and insulin, but it really rips up my stomach, I almost threw up in Target yesterday. Blah must develop

xoxo SJ at 1:35 PM.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

The Joy of Shopping

Went shopping at Ross, Marshals and Fashion Bug today. Also hit every dollar store in the area. I got a laundry list of shit, mostly for my dorm room, Im extreamly happy with the decorations I got- An orgey sort of picture of clothes and these adorible little dinner plates with pictures of the Eiffel tower. AND awesome fairly inexpensive goose down pillows.

All of the colors are really vibrant, I also got a Martini glass with pink wavy designs on it. Picked up two rugs one pokispoted and the other is just this awesome purply shag, hot pink twin size sheets will get hte lime green ones next time I go, two pink/green/orange towels and two washcloths, must get hot pink beach bag to put them in with all my other bathroom stuff.
I was browsing for a pink purse at Ross and found a to die for Tommy bag for like ten bucks I had to get it. Currently its filled with black white pink and purple jellyies bracelets I got from teh dollar store. I picked up a skirt, tank top and black hoodie at Fashion bug, also scoped out the bag I want for fall semester.

Then we went to Johnny Carino's, had a total hotty of a waiter who made eyes at me from the bar. At least thats what Jodes says. I think he was after a good tip. After that we went to another dollar store but didnt find anything, then we went to the Teacher Store and I thought I would never get them out of there.

All that left for me to get really is my Lime Green sheets, my pokie spoted sheets, a comforter, possibly pillowcases,two more sets of deco dishes, a poster of New York, and my beach toat. Then I have some things I sort of want but will wait to buy, Ill need like flip flops or slippers to get to and from the communal bathroom and shit. I am also in desperate need of pants and shit.
All in all it wasn't a bad day. Im now surrounded by pink. I am happy.

xoxo SJ at 1:32 PM.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

O.F.F.S

Its currently obscenely early, I have a stomach ach and Im waiting to go on a trip I don't even want to go on. My Photography class is going to Silvercity, I don't really know anyone besides Les in my photography class, its going to be hot, and probably muggy with the weather we've had. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it!In other news, I finally had enough money I felt safe opening my first real checking account last week. I feel all grown up. Which sounds really lame now that I've said it outloud. Good thing no one reads this!

Yesterday I went up to Black Canyon again with Jodes and the kids. It was a blast, Forest actually spent most of the day fairly close to us, practicing his cursive of all things! Hes and endearing little weirdo. Jodie and I were talking, about my Dad and how I feel about him, and my hesitation to let him back into my life. Jodie, though I love her, is really a Christianity cheer girl. She uses phrases like "when I accepted the lord into my heart" because I was raised with people like that, it doesn't really bother me. It often times doesnt leave me with much help. If the only answer is to accept God to find peace, then I may never have an answer. Right now Im looking for a little Faith and finding I've run out. Im tired of telling myself the Goddess doesn't give me more then I can take, because at times I can't take anymore and it keeps coming. Lesley said that with age comes wisdom, and that I make her glad shes 37. Charity told me once she knew in life she was supposed to know God, love God, and serve God, but there were times however she wished he would tell her the best way to do so. I envy her at times, her faith even if she claims she questioned at times, the doubt was never so strong that she completely denounced God. She always seemed so full of faith and at times I claimed she was blind, that she never questioned. Now I wonder which of us has lead the better life. Though I would never say that outloud.

For all my scoffing and "I pitty you" head shakes I give, I have no faith. Is there a higher power? Maybe. I don't know. I have faith in the things I've seen, and that is above all else human greed and unkindness. It is the world we live in, and it is sickening to me. That children still die of starvation and abuse, that rape happens daily, that peoples dignaty is taken from them. That there are children who are so desperate for love they pimp themselves out to sick pedophiles, girls forced to grow up in aworld were if youre not a size zero you're nothing. People just turn their backs on these things, pretend they don't happen. In a world where "Love me, hate me, but please dont ignore me" is something we all feel... their ignorance kills.

Where do these thoughts bring me? Right back to square one. I have no faith save what I've seen. And I've seen pain.

xoxo SJ at 5:36 AM.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Im in a mood. Actually the last three days have been "a mood". Im irritable and bitchy for really no good reason. I can't sleep, and surprise surprise, the place we got lunch at on the way home from Counsle made Mom, Aunt Carol, and I all sick, Im still sick Im Im guessing the prognosis of food poisoning wasn't off base. Im running a temperture too. I hate being sick. I think my Grandmaw was right though, when you're carrying around anger and hostility you're way more sesptable to sickness. My immune system is down, Im stressed, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly - more so yesterday and the day before then in a long time. I just... I don't know. Im so fucking burned out.I still have a whole roll of film to shoot. I don't know how the fuck Im gonna get that done before tomorrow. Im so tired and sore. I think I might have burned holes in my throat from acidy stomach shit. I can't even keep bread down. Not that anyone wants to know that.Dad thinks the alleged food poisoning is "just a stunt" to get out of having to go to the family reunion. I honestly don't give to shits what anyone thinks right now. I miss my sister though. And Melissa. She had Kevin stories for me, and apprently the guy she was sort of seeing has a *wife* he neglected to mention. I love Miss but sometimes her bad taste rivals my own.Speaking of bad taste coming back to bite you in the ass. Bryan called me. Bryan was one of my frist boyfriends, and I dated him at a time in my life Im not extreamly proud of. However I figure with the shit Ive put myself through I've paid any dues for those early mistakes I made. Apprently hes out of rehab, and "looking to settle down" pfft. I'll give him my sisters number. I seriously have nothing left to say to him, or Cyrus, or David. I give David another three weeks before he's calling. Unless of course he knocked up his 14 year old girlfriend then maybe he wont

xoxo SJ at 10:01 AM.

Friday, July 09, 2004

The last day and a half have been completely surreal. After class yesterday Mom and I drove up to lost lake to see Jodie, her mom, and the kids. We got there things went alright, I mean nothing to really write home about. The camp fire smoke seemed to follow me wherever the hell I went so I was smelly like burnt wood and sap by the time we left. Face was also streaked with sootyness. We got just to the other side of Counsle when Mom was pulled over for speeding. Thats all right and good, he wasn't even going to give her a ticket, except that one her drivers lience had lapsed and so had her insurance. Its long about 9 at night then, all my friends are either drunk or at work. Aunt Carol had put in a 15 hour day and couldnt hold her eyes open for the 2 and a half hour drive to come get us, so there was a motel the other side of town, and it was actually really nice for such a little place but... I dont know. I was tired and hot and firesmoke smelly. I took a long shower and didn't feel clean. Staied up all night watching TV because the stress of dealing with my mother made me sick. Paced the floor, cried some, yelled at her some, gave her the silent treatment alot. Wishing I hadn't caved and had a cigarette the night Brandi and I got drunk. Was craving them last night mostly because I was unhappy and didn't have the money for them.I love my mother. Really I do. But I dont understand her, even in all my childish irresponciblity, I KNOW you dont let your licence and insurance expire and then fucking drive! Hello. How stupid can one person be. We're looking at a huge fine, and possible suspended licence. Which blows because while I can drive, I dont even techincally have my permit yet. No lectures I know Im a slacker but I hate driving. In the country Im alright, you know long winding roads up to the lake or whatever but in the city Im hopless I get behind the wheel and I have panic attacks litterally.Anyway family reunion is tomorrow I dont know how Im getting there, or more over how Im facing my dad when I do. I feel sick, Im stressed, and with the excpetion of my online friends I hate the whole fucking world.

xoxo SJ at 9:00 PM.

Monday, July 05, 2004

The last few days have been really weird. I dont remember if I wrote about it or not, but Thursday before we went up to the Canyon, my little sister Katie called. I haven't talked to Katie in almost two years. She tried to get ahold of me last summer but I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to have to hear anymore what a bad daughter I was... anyway, point is she called. I was waiting to hear from Jodie who was going to call and tell me what time we were leaving, and I was slighty freaked out so I used it as an excuse to get off the phone, but told her to call me that night or I would call her or something. Went, had a great day, didn't really even think about it. Came home, she'd called, so I called her back, we talked for awhile then she had to get off the phone and I was tired. Went to bed at 3 woke up at like Noon (I've become very lazy.), started on Mom's Storybook project (Shes got these giant need to be coloured storybooks, and I've been nominated in all my artistic glory to colour them.. but I got a new box of 96 Crayons!), then as I was finishing up with the first page Katie called me again, we talked for about an hour and she told me she really wanted to see me and Grandmaw (Thats actually how she signs her cards.) Nora wanted to see me, and of course Maxine(StepGrandma) and Melissa (Slightly younger then me cousin who Im really close to), so I talked to Mom and we all agree the 3rd would work best because we were gonna go see Gran anyway. After we got off the phone Mom called Grandma and she was complaining of pain in her back right under her shoulder blades. She sounded scared and told mom she didn't think she could reach/find her call button, so mom called the nursing home, and we went down, Mom took her to the doctor and I staid at her little room/apartment thing working on her laundry and Moms book. They came back Grandma was moody and teary and when Aunt Carol and I went to get her some groceries Aunt Carol just lost it, she cried for like ten minutes. She's under a lot of stress though, one of her residents at Annabell House died and while shes glad that he's done hurting, she feels his daughter's pain because his son is a jackass and her husband basicly said "Me or your Dad" and she chose her dad. Anyway she cried, which made me cry, so we cried, then it was all better. We went back to Gran's she was weepy and argued with Aunt Carol about her painpill so I skirted out to tell Brenda (one of Gran's nurses who was working her last day) Goodbye. The turnover rate at Annabell House is horrible, for residents and med people. Came home, called Katie, made sure we were still on for tomorrow and we agreed I'd just meet her at Maxine's and we'd go from there because there were a lot of people who wanted to see me. Got online then went to bed. Got up the next morning, showered got dressed headed out the door, by this time I have having a panic attack about it because I was sure it was going to be awful. Managed to calm down before we got there, when I got out of the car Maxine came out of the house and gave me a big hug saying "Girl you've been sorely missed, I think about you everytime Im in Payette" (her Granddaughter and Great Granddaughter live here, and her Great Granddaughter at Mom for her second grade teacher). Then Katie burst out the house, threw her arms around me and as I was saying "You cut off all your hair" she was saying "Yours is so long!" We hugged whatever went back into the house, I sat in the bathroom while she did her makeup, which is what she used to do with me when I would stay at Dads. I'd do my hair and makeup in her room and we'd listen to my CDs or whatever. Went back out, sat with Grandma Maxine for awhile, told her everything I'd been upto. Then Katie and I went to the park, I think I got some great shots of her for Photography. I can't wait to develop my film tomorrow. Then we ran by Uncle Eddies so Emmet could get his charger, saw Melissa she was a wreck. The night before she and her roommate had a party, everyone got really drunk and two guys got brilliant and decided to play Russian Roulett, Melissa had just walked out on to her pattio and thought she heard a firecracker, turned around and Tim was laying in a pool of blood. Everyone else ran, she called 911, it was all over the news. We left her so she could get ready and call Todd and a few other things, went to Grandmaw Nora's she was so happy to see me I thought she'd burst. I got the usual guilt of not seeing her enough but everyone gets that. Even the girls she sees every few months. My Uncle Mark was really happy to see me, and then when Donna and Kathy showed up they were happy to see me, and my cousin Crystal had her baby, who isn't a baby anymore, he's almost five (that made me feel fucking old. Sort of like when I remeber Faith is going into second grade). Miss showed up, had a minibreak down when the news came on, came back in curled up next to me after Katie went to the bathroom, we were talking and Grandmaw was pushing for us to get food. Miss wasn't hungry so we sat and talked a little longer, I was trying to coax her to eat at least a little bit (Grandmaw is an amazing down south fattening cook). While I was doing that Grandma took the direct root and just made us both HUGE fucking plates with a little bit of everything on it. My eyes got all big I thought I was gonna die lol. But her spare ribs are sooooooooo yummy, and she uses homemade sauce on um and fried chicken and coldslaw and ugh that woman! And corn on the cob, which I hate eating because its messy. It was great. Miss and I both thought it unfair punishment for not being fast enough. I gave like half mine to my cousin Josh and Katie ate my potato salad. At somepoint I was talked/guilted into coming back for Ed and Debs BBQ on the Fourth and the Family Reunion on the 11th.After that we all sat around and talked till Momma showed up, and everyone was really happy to see her. She was surprised, but Donna just hopped right up gave her a hug, told her how cute she looked, Grandmaw hugged her, and even Uncle Eddie who doesnt do the whole huggy thing followed us out to the car to talk to her. I think Mom still feels a lot of resentment that no one came to her when she left Dad, no one asked her what happend and they had been like her whole life, her best friends. I don't think its healthy to walk around with so much hurt in you, but I do it so I guess I can't talk. We came home, I got online talked to Aly and Chris for a bit, then went to bed because I couldn't hold my eyes open. Got up the next morning, went to Grandma's for Lunch, talked to my Auntie Carol, Uncle Bill was late (as always), the food was ok for nursing home grub. She rode down to Boise with us but Mom didn't even park, I just got out of the car and ran into the house. Donna gave me a hug hello I met Josh's girlfriend, saw Lori but the girls were up in McCall with their Dad's family. I fixed my own plate and then got in trouble for only having a hamburger and coldslaw. Nothing much really happend, except my talk with Grandmaw Nora. She told me that Dad just doesn't know how to deal with me and his way of dealing is to pretend it never happend. So when Im angry he pretends Im not there. Its not that he doesn't love me, he's just a passive agressive. I know that, but it doesn't make it hurt less.Mom picked me up, we came home, I was here all of twenty minutes when Jodie called inviting us over to her mom's for fireworks. We went at 9:30 didn't get home till 1:30, and we had fireworks going the whole time. Like the big shit that isnt exactly "legal". We got it so brite it turned off the stree light three times. It was awesome. At one point I tried to talk Mom into giving me a beer, Margo overheard and Mom was all "If we were at home I wouldn't care" so Margo's like "This is home!" Then she took me aside, slipped me a Keystone and was like "Behind the fence, go behind the fence" I just love Margo. Mom thought it was funny as hell.The general consensus this weekend is my hair is beautiful and I need to wear it down more often. Apprently Jodie had never seen me without it up. And my Aunt Donna, who just opend her own Salon, thought my highlights were amazing. I think Im going Saturday but Im not sureIm at that place where if I dont hate my Dad, then I have to love him, and loving him hurts, and leaves me open to really bad situations. And Im not sure Im strong enough to go through that again. I've changed a lot in the last three years, Im not who I was the last time I talked to him, I don't even know that person. I've been through hell and back and Im not sure I have it in me to do it again. Im not perfect, Im not even healed completely, but Im working on being a better me. He makes me not like me... so Im sort of stuck.

xoxo SJ at 12:59 AM.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Im so very loberster like and sore. But in a good way. I forgot sunscreen till it was too late, and now my back as this big red "O" on it from the cutout back of my suit. We left this morning long about 10:30ish. It only took a half hour or so to get to the Dam, Jodie's dad didnt go but its ok, I got some great shots from the resiviour lake edge and the park was really pretty. I got some of Jodie and the kids too. Went swimming with the kiddos after Conner threw water on me and I had to get out of my jeans anyway. Lil bastard. Forest is so cute, the whole reason I was down on the dock was to watch him so he could do jumps (Just in case something happend). They're both really sweet kids but total opposites of eachother. Kale is their littlest cousin he'll be a first grader last year, hes so sweet! I just wanted to wrap him up and take him home with me. The boys sent Kale to beg me to watch them play around the dock because all teh other grown ups didnt want to. "Sara Sara! Come watch us pleeeeeeeeeeeeease" It was so cute! How could I say no?I got a couple really great pictures of Mom too, if they come out. One of her standing on the dock, looking out over the lake, and the other of her sitting at a picnic table looking away. She was evil and took my camera as revenge, and took one of me covering my face. I always look shit in photos though. This coming week theyre going up to lost Lake, if I dont have to be in class I'll probably take a day trip with Mom up. Lost Lake is a pretty area, I can always call it a shoot day. Must remember sunblock. I sore. *nod*Now Im waiting for the shower.

xoxo SJ at 7:58 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
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