SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Sara does not play well with others

I don’t know what the hell is up with me lately, I’m moody, I don’t want to be around people, but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to deal with anything that’s going on, but I can’t make the problems stop running through my head. It’s all such needless drama, such pointless propaganda. I really just want to run away from it all, it’s getting harder and harder to deal with.

I’ve been drinking way too much again, I don’t know what I’m thinking so don’t ask. Every night since last Thursday I’ve had at least a six-pack, and vodka. Why? I have no idea. Last night though I did end up in bed before 3 that was good. I was still fucking tired though. And I’ve started skipping classes. That’s really going to fuck me up and I know this.

I’m aggravated with myself right now because I’m giving D. more control then he should have. I’m letting myself be hurt by the shit he says and does, by the way he treats me and I shouldn’t. I mean I’m back to the point where I hate eating in public… so I don’t, then I get sick when I do it. I hate it. I really can’t stand being this way because one it scares me and two I know where this road goes. I know where I will end up if I don’t get my head out of my ass.

The night things all fell apart I curled up on my bed and christened my room. Perhaps desecrated is the more appropriate word. I swore I wouldn’t do it again, I swore I wouldn’t cut on campus, that I wouldn’t let anything hurt me so bad I went back to that again. It doesn’t even matter, it’s not like anyone would really notice till the point came that someone wasn’t there to try and fix everything, when someone wasn’t there to play therapist.

Maybe that’s not true, but that’s how it feels. I feel like this darkness coming on, and lately I just want to curl into a ball and cry. I just can’t seem to deal with it anymore. I just… I want to be pretty; I want to be one of the beautiful girls. I want to turn heads and not hear fat jokes. I want to be able to eat without feeling dirty and worthless. I want to be free.

It’s so childish, the jokes I mean. Chris is just a fucking cruel bastard. But everyone thinks he’s so funny. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I feel so unworthy of kindness right now and that scares me, the way I’m feeling, more then what I’ve had to deal with, is what disturbs me, because I remember these feelings, I remember the way this all played out. I remember what did…. I don’t think I could survive that again.

I’m tired of the self depreciating jokes. I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m tired of being a joke. I’m tired of being me. *spits on reflection*

xoxo SJ at 10:40 PM.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Fucking Pussyassed boys

The last few days have been kind of hectic. I’ve been really moody, and apparently, not playing well with others. Dominic has been complaining I’m being a bitch or some shit. Apparently I hurt his feelings last night when he was like “At least I’m not like Chris” and I said “Oh, but you are” he got all pissy and left. Now I ask you, how is that different then the shit he talks about everyone else? I don’t fucking like that Chris is the butt end of every joke Dom has, and that he does it when Chris isn’t there to defend himself. I mean what the fuck is up with that? Its one thing to do it in front of him, its another to be doing it when hes not there to even try and cover for himself. I don’t understand how someone can be such a fucking asshole. I mean if you don’t like the guy tell him, don’t dog him behind his back.

Other then that, even the sound of Dominic’s voice is getting on my last nerve. I don’t even really know why exactly, except that Id rather shoot myself then talk to him. I mean he’s just so… assholeish. I mean there’s really no other word for it. He’s just a jerk. Lesley says I feel this way because I like him and don’t want to because I know that he likes someone else, and I don’t believe he could ever want me anyway.

If you looked at the shit he has hanging on his wall you’d think that too.

Right now I don’t really want to “be” with anyone, right now I know I can’t do the whole relationship thing, but I also miss… hugs and cuddles and I don’t know, feeling like… someone cares that I live or die or breathe or eat or cut… Since going home last weekend the urge has been so strong. I was in the shower last night, shaving my legs and I kept thinking “It would be so easy, no one would ever know. No one would ever care.” It hasn’t been this bad in awhile…

Yesterday I couldn’t eat, I managed two chicken strips and some fries but I was full. I just didn’t even want it. I felt gross. Today I ate half a turkey sandwich. I don’t know what’s up with me. I really just don’t understand myself at all.

xoxo SJ at 10:40 PM.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Babble Babble Bitch Bitch Rebel Rebel Party Party Sex Sex AND DONT FORGET THE VIOLENCE

Robby was such a fucking asshole last night. I really cant stand him sometimes you know. We were in the grill, yesterday afternoon, eating lunch, and Tim said something about his dad telling him not to hurry back when he moved out in August, I made a joke about all my dad told me was not to get knocked up, and Robby’s all “Well you’ve already been pregnant once, so he might not have been very far off base.”

How the fuck can someone say that to you? Take something you told them in confidence and just blurt it out for half the student body to hear. I was in a shitty mood the rest of the day so Jake came to talk to me, I like burst into tears, partly because I was angry, but I was fucking hurt too. I mean he made it sound like I wanted it or some shit then he didn’t talk to me the rest of the night.

Then today Robby all stops me on my way to Ethnic Studies and apologizes. He gave me some lame ass excuse about stress or some shit. You just don’t say that to someone. What if I was suicidal, what if I was still all fuckered up over it, and I wanted to end my life because I felt like no one believed it wasn’t my fault?

People are fucking stupid.

In other news, Maria, who is my friend Jessica’s mother- and I didn’t even know it, she like thinks I’m brilliant, we had to do the whole notes thing in World Lit, and apparently I’m entertaining to listen to, Dom told me while he was in the chem. Lab he could hear me, and thought it sounded really interesting. So Yey… but he’s an asshole, or he’s being one right now because Kadie doesn’t wanna be with him whatever. Oi.

Lesley and I should have my room done by next week if everything goes according to plan *claps*. And now Christina is poking me and wanting to leave the lab so I gotta go.

xoxo SJ at 10:39 PM.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Quicky Drunk

Last night was very interesting. Oi. So I had class till 4:30, then I stuck around for Dinner- bitched Jennifer out because she was being a fucking dumb ass, bitched Robert out because he was acting like a freak, started to walk back with Andy, venting like a motherfucker and Dominic offered us a ride back to the dorms. He’s hot for a cynical fuckerhead. Har. Anyway not much really happened, Kadie had orchestra, I listened to her tune her violin, then we hung out in the DS Lobby watching Crank Yankers, and Reno 911.

We were gonna play Penny Anni Poker, but I didn’t have any pennies- coz I poor. So Tim and Kadie played Speed she kicked his ass, Dom was singing songs he made up about everyone on his tacky ass guitar. It was so cute- but he likes Kades. Anyway long about 11 we go rent Man on Fire- Dom and Jake are fucking insane behind the wheel, spinning cookies, drag racing down the deserted stretch of road behind the dorms. It was…. Yea ha.

Anyway we get back to Jakes dorm- he has a coooooooooooool RA room, crack open a few beers start watching the movie, and try to hook Ashy and Chris up. He’s such a fuckerhead. I personally can’t stand him. But whatever that’s her bag so yea. Anyway Rent-a-cop and Miss Ashy-Doodle were like awkwardly laughing us all off. Jake was ripped off his ass, and Tim wasn’t far behind.

I on ly had like three caronas, two buds, and a pansy ass wine cooler because that’s what Andy bought me. I told him next time we’ve got to get some JD or summat, maybe Crown Royal because beer is just… weak ass shit.

Over slept, Lesley had to wake me up, I managed to get dressed in ten minutes, had toast and went to class. Even drunk/hung over I’m still fucking brilliant. Mwahahaha,

Oh yea! The other day when I was trimming my eyebrows, something hit my window, scared the shit out of me, and I shaved off half the right one. I’m a fucking moron. *nod*

Will be moving the computer this weekend when I go home to do laundry. Can’t wait, Tristin is supposed to give me her wireless card- my cable still doenst work. Fuckerheads. Anyway that means I will be on a bit more- I tried to email Jay the other night and it was returned by “Mailer Demon” bastards. I gotta call Laura-Foxy or email her at some point this weekend too.

Must go get food, Im hungry.

xoxo SJ at 12:38 PM.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Poetic Licence

I dreamed of you last night.
Your black hair and dark eyes,
Though you're a million miles away-
You're still haunting me.
I laid in his arms,
Under the stars,
Craving touch,
Craving love,
Craving you...

He satisfies for a time,
But at the end of the night,
Its you Im dreaming of.
You Im hurting for.
You Im loving without question.

Are you even thinking of me?
Do you ever stop in the street,
Lost in a face you see,
A face that reminds you of me?
Are you even missing me?

He touches my hair,
Holds my hand,
We laugh,
Sharing secret whispers
And muffled kisses,
But somehow
It can't touch the chains
Im bound to you by.

Chains one sided
Made of my soul.
Bound by blood,
Lust,
And tainted love.

I dreamed of you last night
Dreaming dreams
Leaving me aching
Breaking
Weeping
Running for the door...

xoxo SJ at 10:37 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James