SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED

Today was awful. As a lot of you know, I had my obgyn appointment today. I can honestly say that was the single most humiliating painful experience I’ve had in a doctor’s office. My stomach is still revolting, and I’m actually still sore where they took my pap.

It started off bad simply because my doctor was a half hour behind because he was on call and had to deliver a baby- so I was waiting and waiting and waiting which is just awful but more so if you’re living in dread. When he came in we went over a few things, my sexual history all that fun stuff- which of course was awkward to talk about anyway let alone with someone old enough to be my grandfather.

I was expecting a little discomfort during the exam; I mean that’s what everyone told me. Bull SHIT. NOW I remember why I don’t like tampons or sex. It HURT, and not like a little prick your finger kind of hurt. I was squeezing my eyes so tightly shut they watered kind of hurt. He had to stop in the middle and get a smaller whatever it was he was using because it hurt so much. And I don’t care what ANYONE says- when they check your uterus they press too fucking hard. Even as I was getting dress I felt uncomfortable.

I managed to pay the bill and make it to Aunt Carol without just sobbing. Like I’d forgotten how humiliating being naked in front of anyone was, but to top it off, all he could talk about was my weight and how the only way my periods would ever be healthy and normal would be if I took it off. He didn’t even touch on the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease. He didn’t seem to understand why I was there, Bev was supposed to fax everything over like two weeks ago when I went in for my checkup with her. They didn’t even have my labs.

So like I have no answers at all. Beyond the fact that I’m fat and need to lose weight- which I have been telling myself for years and working on since I was like ten. I mean this being fat thing is not new in my life people. I’ve been fat since I was knee high to a cockroach ok.

I am so… overwhelmed and angry right now. I’m angry with my body, I’m angry with myself for not KNOWING what I should have talked to him about…and to top it all off this break has not been long enough.

I feel like my mind is just unraveling. AND I need to call Ari. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but my cousin came into town and it was all a mess and then today I had the gyno appointment from hell and spent an hour crying stupid helpless tears because I’m feeling so vile and wretched on Aunt Carol’s couch.

She really is wonderful to me you know. She got out of the tub to come comfort me and gave me her last chocolate and molasses cookie Carolyn made her. It’s funny how much of a child I can revert back to being when she’s close. Like I curled up on the couch with my head in her lap for an hour, but I couldn’t tell my mom everything that had happened or why I felt so awful. Sometimes I think I make Mom feel really helpless and useless because I run to Aunt Carol. I can’t help it… the reality is I know my Auntie is more reliable. I know that I can fall apart without her freaking out. I know that I don’t have to stay strong to keep her strong.

I don’t know when it started, but I realized on the ride home how much I internalize to protect mom. When things were bad with school, I talked to Ari. When things were bad with S. or N. I’d talk to Hope or Kadie or Ari. I don’t go to my mother anymore for anything. I don’t have a concrete reason why either… I mean I can’t pin point when it started for me, but I know that it’s been that way for at least the last year, at least since Grandma died. I think that was the final straw that told me I couldn’t count on her anymore.

That’s probably unfair, but it’s probably really the truth.

Anyway, I am very tired and feeling very icky so I am going to go lay down and watch About A Boy

xoxo SJ at 11:41 PM.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Another Christmas Come and Gone

This entry might not make a lot of sense because I'm still a bit loopy from all the Good Cheer and Togetherness of the last few days. Try to keep up though I won't blame you of you can't.

So as my last entry indicates I was seriously distressed about the lack of Holiday togetherness and Christmasy feelings within the family unit this year. I knew it would be hard simply because it's the first year without Gran, and last year was spent sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to let go and cross over. Obviously THOSE aren't the best memories - though there were parts I will cherish forever.

Anyway, Aunt Carol and Mom both wanted to sleep through the Holiday but after a little meltdown on my part (I really was upset and not just crying to get my way although that does work) we decided we’d go to Jade Garden for Chinese and then back to Carol’s to make cookies and watch Christmas Movies.

Of course, my LOVELY cousin, LOVELY person that he is, decided we needed to have our “Christmas Day Lunch” for Christmas Eve Dinner since his wife wanted to spend Christmas Day with her family. Now I think her wanting to do this is perfectly logical and should not be a big deal, but I could tell the second John walked through the door he had a chip on his shoulder. He had also been drinking, which annoys me because his kidney (note ONE kidney as the other has stopped working completely) is still only functioning at like 36%- but whatever he’s a grown man it’s his body. He’s a moron. I still love him like a brother. Bastard.

Anyway he’s an ass when he drinks. Not so much to me anymore, like I think he’s scared to make me cry all the time after the hysterics I went through over Gran’s funeral arrangements, anyway he was really sweet to me but he pissed Aunt Carol off with how he was talking to the kids. I felt a little guilty really because she really just didn’t want to do anything. I know last year was hard for her, but it goes deeper too. She told me last night (after her pain killer had kicked in and she was relaxing with me) that there weren’t a lot of Holidays she could remember her brother and father not ruining with their over bearing asshole personalities. She also told me things that made me thing she still really resents Mom and Aunt Suzy because she spent so much time protecting them from that reality. It felt strange to be in that position of offering comfort to the person who always shielded me from unhappy things. Like I’ve rarely had to be in that position with her, I mean she’s the one who told me about my Dad, she’s always been honest, but she was also the person that comforted me and tried to make the painful things less painful.

I think I block out a lot of the bad Christmases, because there was a span of years when John ruined Holidays for me the way Uncle Bill did for Auntie Carol. He was just hateful and full of rage… I guess it really started right after Mike died really, that’s when he was drinking more all the time and just a jerk. However after Grandma got sick and especially this last year when he had stopped drinking completely… and I was so proud of him…

Anyway it really wasn’t bad comparatively speaking. I mean he used to say some pretty nasty shit to everyone, and it really wasn’t like that this time. I think it comes down to him being angry that things are changing. I react by crying and pulling away from everyone and he reacts by picking up a beer and being a shit head. I understand that reaction. I went through it for about six months last year. By the end of the night he’d sobered up and was being his sweet self again. He walked me out to the car and we talked about what I want to do for my twenty-first, and told me if I needed him for anything I didn’t have to wait until a Holiday to come and see them again. I think we’re both hurting for Gran right now. I think we all our in our own way really, and its sad but at the same time it makes me feel less alone.

We got back to Aunt Carols. And she and I had out little talk about Grandpa and Uncle Bill, we watched Criminal Intent, Mom gave me a stocking she made out of green paper and glitter for me. It was so sweet it had an M&M candy cane in it and coloring books and lip gloss.

After I opened my stocking the REAL fun started. Aunt Carol told me earlier that day she wouldn’t make REAL Christmas cookies because it was too messy. So I brought the fake and bake kind even though they aren’t REAL Christmas Cookies. When we were piddling around the kitchen she started popping them out of the little pre cut thingy and I SWEAR there were only two that looked anything like the shapes they were supposed to be (my sugar cookies came out better) when we put them in the oven they just didn’t seem to want to cook. So we left them for a little while longer but when we pulled them out they were hard as rocks- and the little crumb I did manage to snap off tasted like shit.

SO I frosted the sugar cookies and we didn’t touch the chocolate chip ones at all. I went to the bathroom for like a minute and when I come back there’s like icing everywhere. It was great. It also proved my point that fake and bake cookies DO TOO MAKE A MESS. Anyway, before we left this morning I stuck a note on the chocolate chip ones that said, “Santa told me to leave you these instead of coal. Obviously you were on the naughty list.”

I really am rather clever.

Anyway we came home, and the trip felt like it took a million years. When we got home I had a couple packages waiting for me from Mom. She’d gotten a really good deal on a DVD player for me, and splurged on three new movies. I was so excited when I unwrapped Chicago, Princess Bride, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. She also got me some really great makeup brushes.

Then I made Christmas French Toast (you use half egg nog and half milk), I even dug out Gran’s happy Christmas dishes. Then for dinner I made turkey breast and mashed potatoes.

Its not like its always been. I think I’m accepting that things won’t ever be like that again. But all in all, in the grand scheme of things, I think this was just as good- maybe better.

xoxo SJ at 10:45 PM.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Christmas Misery

I… am having a really rough go of it right now.

Christmas has always been such a special time for the family; it was really Grandma’s day. Even the Christmas I was sixteen, after she’d moved into the Nursing home, we still did everything we could to make her happy, to give her a real holiday…

Sometimes I feel like with her gone the family has no reason to come together anymore. We all have our own lives right?

But this is the first Christmas since she crossed over… and I made it through all the other firsts ok. I handled the first Mothers Day, the first Memorial day, the first Fourth, the first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving…

But Christmas was her day. All the family would show up the 23rd and leave the 26th. Our little two bedroom house with one bathroom would be packed with presents and people and food. Our tree would be perfect, filled with all of these memory ornaments and when we would decorate she would tell me the story of every one- even though I knew them by heart.

Thinking of these things makes me feel very far away from that little girl. I don’t see the world through those wide blue eyes anymore, I don’t pretend to be a Princess anymore. I don’t welcome love with open arms and hold on with both hands to anything anymore.

I know that this is a part of growing up, of growing older. I know that in time I will cease to look at the life I have no with grief and mourning for the life that is gone. I know that these are just growing pains and the leaving behind of childhood. I know that. But I don’t yet believe it.

I think of the life we shared, for the first sixteen years, I think of the stories I used to get so annoyed hearing a million times, of the times I ducked out on dinner because I didn’t want to deal with her or my mother. I think of all the Christmases I spent with my father those last years she was really with it… and it hurts me. It makes me sick those times with him with his family; those aren’t real to me. Those aren’t the moments I go to when I need to feel warmth and love.

I know that clinging to the ghost of Christmas Past isn’t healthy. I know that we will never recapture that innocence, that light and love and goodness. It is lost because we are lost. I do not blindly accept the story of Jesus, I do not believe in midnight mass and the weeping virgin. Without those things the magic of my childhood Christmas seems gone… and with each passing week I drift further from my memories of that time.

I feel…or fear perhaps is a better word. I fear that if I don’t cling to those thoughts, those memories, those traditions, I will lose every possible presence of her in my life. I’ve worked so hard to avoid my grief, to block it out and just accept that she’s gone, she’s in the dirt and it’s over… I’ve lost so many little pieces of her.

Because I have not allowed myself to grieve, I can’t celebrate her life. I mean I try. I really really try but… thoughts of her just bring sadness, emptiness, a feeling of loss rather than the happiness of having had.

xoxo SJ at 10:05 AM.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Oh Fuck you AND your duck

I am in a LOT of pain.

But I should start at the beginning.

Today just started off bad (actually last night just ended badly but anyway). I woke up because mom let Zilly in- so I had to deal with cold happy kitty paws at SIX in the morning. Evil. Then I had to be the bad guy and put her out. Then I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep because I am still really exhausted- no such luck so I watched all of the Today Show. Not nearly as much fun as it sounds. Katie Couric is TOO fucking perky that early.

The day got worse from there.

When I finally got up up at nine, I checked my email and got a reply for Ari telling me to call her. Since it was nine and she left the comment at like 8:30 I picked up the phone and called her because I miss her already. She tells me that Mr. Jack-ass-face (aka John) that used to live with us, has not only used me as a reference, but the WHOLE reason I didn’t get the job I so desperately need/wanted at Blockbuster was because HE told the male manager that while I had the initiative, I couldn’t be on my feet for eight hours a day.

WHO the fuck does he think he is? I haven’t spoken more than ten words to this guy since he called me like a YEAR ago to get the rest of his shit out of my house!

Of course after THAT lovely little tidbit, we had to cut the convo short because Tina was picking her up to go to Boise. I was ok with that though because I like Tina, and I needed to get my ass in gear anyway.

So then Mom calls. Harpy bitch that she is, and was like “What are you doing” (in a really snotty way) and I told her “getting ready to start the crockpot” and shes like “ok well get some stuff done. This is your house too and you’re on vacation so you get to clean.” I hung up on her ass.

While I was cleaning the new crockpot Auntie Carol sent me for an early Christmas Present (its so pretty I love it), I got water on the floor. I remember thinking “I’ll clean this up as soon as I get the carrots cut up”

Roughly five minutes later I was laying flat on my back, looking at the ceiling.

I have now thrown out my back, and the only reason I up is because the only time my back doesn’t hurt is when I’m hunched over the keyboard. I just want to cry. If it’s not better by tomorrow night I’ll have mom take me to the Dr. I hate Dr.s. GRR

Today BLEW.

xoxo SJ at 9:31 PM.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

B.A.D. -- Buddha's Angry Daughter

Am feeling decidedly less like Buddha's Angry Daughter today.

I got three very happy emails from my favorite girls (Ari, my little sister Katie, and my friend Kiki). Ari is offically off to PDX. She got her awards letter which makes us all very happy (and a little sad). Kate is doing much better than the last time she wrote, apprently in great part due tothe Big Sister ass kick I sent her... and Kiki is, for the first time in a long time, sounding just a little bit positive about the future.

I am listening to very mellow music today, right now "I Shall Believe" is on repeat. Ugh I love Sheryl Crow.

I'm working on another Scarlett story. It's of her first meeting with James, I think I might tell it from his perspective... but I can't decide. I'm just toying with ideas right now

I have nothing else to say. I spent all day doing dishes and scrubbing the kitchen floor. Apprently if I want anything done around here I have to do it myself. My mother is such an ungrateful bitch. Ahem. Actually it's the best marriage deturrent in the WORLD.

xoxo SJ at 8:26 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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