SUPERNOVA*

Friday, February 28, 2003

Blerg

Ok so I got in from work about a half hour ago. I didnt even know I was suposed to be there! I was all dolled up ready to hit the town with Trin and Amy calls
"can you come in early"
"Early? I thought I wasnt suposed to work"
"Didn't barbra call you?"
"Nooo"
"You're schedualed from 7-10, but can you be here asap?"
So there went my wild night. I got dressed as fast as possible, threw my pretty hair back in a sloppy ponytail and went to work. I got there at like 6:15, she called me at like 5 after and it takes five minutes to drive from my house to the store.

So I got there and DJ looks at me. "You were going out?""Yea""thats the first time I've ever seen you wear makeup, you should more often""Um.. thanks?"

THEN he ask about Tristan."we broke up""what?! Why?""He fell out of love I supose""Oh... I dont believe in love"*shrugs*"I thought I did. Ive lost my faith""There are other fish in the sea""Sure for pretty girls, Im not that sort of girl""O... your just like the best friend right?""right"

Then Trinity came in and was tripping off her ass. GRR! She took two high energy pills (whateve I bet it was meth) a muscle relaxer, and then a 800mg of motron. Firstly mixing meds can kill you and secondly she was driving! I was so pissed off, not just because she expected me to get in teh car with her (she ended up blowing me off to take Tara to Matts so Tara could drink -_-) but she was driving herself around! If the stupid mixing doesnt kill her she could go off the fucking road.

Then James, Matt, Tara, and three other people came in, James was so stoned and was such an ass. I wanted to kick him in the balls. He looked so good though... even stoned. And Kristy came in, stoned, (Grrr) and she and Trinity were shooting eachother hate bomb looks. I hate it when they do that. Trin gets so screwed up over Kristy its not even funny. I think she seriously believes she loves Krist, but its more like an obsession, a sick obsession. And she does stupid things, and one day Kristy will use her all up because thats all she does, when she wants something she and Trin are close, when she doesnt and has a boyfriend to "fufill her needs" she drops Trin like a bad habbit. Not that its any of my bussiness, but it does make me worry.

I talked to Nialle again today. About everything thats going on. In my last not to hir I asked "when the bad days out number the good, isnt it sort of hard to still care?" (because thats what tristan basicly told me.) And her answer was no because I was trying to change, I was trying to fix it, and the thing I have to learn is I dont have to save people to be a worthwild person, and even if I wasnt a person who interested hir (there were other adjitives in there as well) s-he wouldn't give up on me simply because s-he doesn't like givng up on anyone.

I used to think, if I could just stop one person from hurting, one tear from falling, my life wouldnt have been for nothing, it would have meaning, no matter what I did, or where I went, if I was doing good, helping people, then I meant something.

But Ive lost my faith. In God, in people, but more so in myself. I've lost the knowledge I am a good person, trying to do good things... Ive lost faith in my ablity to help those in need, in my intintions, Good intentions dont save people, it doesn't help them. Maybe I haven't helped anyone, look at Jessie, shortly after I was most involved in her life she ended up in a mental hospital, B hates me, Tristan turned his back on me, Coal will never see that he is a worth wild person, Ang(who you dont know) is still trying earn acceptance through sex, And when I look at it, WHO am I helping? Who am I saving from pain, who am I helping cope? Who's tears am I stopping?

And Jay was partly right... I did used to believe if someone needed me they wouldn't walk away. I know now that isn't right. Maybe I do hender more then I help. Maybe I do more harm then good in trying. Maybe I am a misery junkie. A spiteful bitter twisted insecure little girl.... maybe all my life has been a lie.

xoxo SJ at 3:16 AM.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Our Lady

Im listening to Our Lady Peace. I love their "Gravity" CD, though I really shouldn't David was the one that got me hooked on them, but they are so... I dont know, the lead singers voice melts me. I was starting to get into Muse but... well that's Trist's favorite band and it sort of ruined it for me. ;_;

Anyway, Im online right now, and everyone is either away, or not someone I want to talk to. Blah. Where are all the cool people when I need them- Answer:Laura is at a Med meeting, Rei is doing homework, Gabi is doing homework or spending time with her family, Nialle is off doing whatever it is s-he does, Trin is gettting offline, and No one else is around.

Thats not true. Ang is but I dont really want to talk to her. She has a stange obession with the way I smell and trying to "nuzzle" me. Which completely creeps me out and makes me nervious. I dont know how to deal with people like being attracted to me, and being so like... blatent about it. Like it makes me feel yicky.

I was talking to Chris last night when she started comming onto me, it was so funny, because whenever an icky girl comes onto him Im like "MY Chriskins! No sharing!" So then last night I was telling him how it creeped me out and he was like "My Abby! No sharing!" It was cute.
When I was looking for my layout I found a bunch I really loved(if you want a layout reworked so it will show up on D-x, just ask me I have no life ^.^), so I made a Diaryland account for my poetry, like JUST my poetry, and now all my RP friends are. So far Kath, Chris, Gabi, Jenn and Sarah have made them, Im going to talk to Nialle about it, and Brit, Rita, Lianne, maybe Nacy, Gabi will probably ask Rue and Gen, maybe Nancy... Id ask Laura but shes so swamped and Rei is to lazy. Lazy bum Rei! (hee luv you Rei Rei)

Nialle and I had a long talk today. I was really.. I dont know. The whole thing with Tristan left me more upset then anything, more lost then giving me answers, and Im worried about Laura going back to LA for Spring Break, and Im worried about Mom, shes way in debt again, and Im stressed about school, and Charity's car is falling apart... -today was not a good day- So it was just really nice to talk to Nialle. When I told her my new "title" s-he said "You tell 'em I said you are a rather over-sensitive but deeply loving person with a quick mind and a gift with words."

Which made me smile. A show of affection or priase from Nialle is always nice.

Its hard though because I feel like Im betraying Chris. Chris is really in love with Nialle, but Nialle hurts Chris alot because s-he cant deal with how Chris feels about her, and while she wants us to care, she also doesn't want us to get to close, and when we do, she "runs" which really means shes just deathly silent, and its painful for Chris to be around our old group of friends because he can't help but be a little jealous.... I know that feeling.

But Chris is one of my best friends. We've been through so much, and are well past the danger zone of him falling in love with me, or me falling in love with him, (though I have to admit he's adorible) we are like siblings, only closer without the fights. I told him today "We're better then family, though our blood doesnt flow through eachother, our souls do" I am such a romantic putz. He is my Kitsune Princess, and I am his Moon Goddess.... *tear* Chris is one of the best things thats ever happend to me.

Gabi is really worried about me. I hate to worry her so much. She is such a sweet good kind hearted person... its hard having people you love care about you. When I was alone, outcast, I was fine, but now... now my pain is not my own. My pain is their pain, and its useless to tell her Im ok when Im not, she just *knows* and will press untill I tell her. I love her to death. I just... which me feeling this way didnt hurt her so much.

xoxo SJ at 10:22 PM.

Self Serving

It hurts so much sometimes I think I'll die... apparently I am a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring, misery junkie, who inflicts her pain on everyone she loves. I have become everything I despise. I have become a love sick, pittiful ugly person. I hate who I am.

And yet... I don't know how to change. I don't know how to make the pain, paranoia and fear stop. I don't know how to change... but it should be so easy shouldn't it? Just stop being who you are? Just up and drop the persona you've carried your whole life...

I dont know how to be anyone but who I am.... and who I am isn't good. Who I am is damaged goods.... *runs off to write that down for future referance.* Everyone thinks Im ok... and the people who know Im not are sick of me not being ok. "Get over it already" "Dont do it half assed" "Move on Abby, its over" I've scared Gabi... and it infurates Chris when I get like this.
And yet... I dont know how to stop. I dont know how to not hurt, to truely push it away. I dont know how to really become free of the emotinal pain, restraints. I dont know how to live this life, without my bitter jaded pain to shroud me.

Do you supose, in taking five valium I could, before my heart stopped hail mary my way back into heaven? Ive already seen to much of hell, and Im doing no one any good living. At least if I was gone Mum wouldnt be in debt anymore. Wouldn't have to help me through college, wouldnt have the restriant of knowing her only child is a fuck up - a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring, misery junkie, who inflicts her pain on everyone she loves.

xoxo SJ at 3:11 AM.

Monday, February 24, 2003

The Pain

For all my talk of leaving, for all the pain of him ending it, I couldn't truely accept it was over till just a little bit ago. There is a moment, when the finality of a breakup becomes very real, for some people it happens right away, for some of us love sick idiots, we are foolish enough to believe they will chase after us, realizing they cant live their lives without us... and when the moment finally comes, it is more traumatic then the original break up ever was. I feel the walls he tore down going back up. I feel it and its killing me, Im sofficating. I spent so much of the last six months living for him. I love him for all the right reasons, hes just the wrong one. I love that hes gentle, and kind, that he was honest, and funny, that I could see him at his worst and still find the spark I love. But somehow in loving him so completly I lost who I am.

I dont have anything but my pride left. And he hurt me, he hurt me bad. And I cant just be his friend, before, when we were just friends, everytime I talked to him, somewhere in the back of my mind there was this... part of me, pulling at me, telling me for all I would ever be I would never be the one he wanted. And without that I felt like I was nothing. That I was no one and never would be. He was the one thing I thought I would always love and never have, and before I could handle that, I could deal with that... but the moment he told me he loved me, he pushed that belief out, for the first time, I felt truely whole, like nothing could touch me.

When he broke up with me, when he... he took that away. The part of me that said "Maybe... maybe you aren't a nothing nobody after all." He says hes not turning his back on me, but he is. He is in so many ways. With him saying "I dont want to be with you" he's saying "I dont love you, nothing we had was real, and you aren't good enough." When he says "Youre the one walking away" what hes really saying is "You are being selfish because you cant accept this" When he says "You are more like Ally then you think" he's saying "You are someone I could never really care about because you are vapid shallow and mean." When he broke up with me, its like he forgot everything I went through to be with him.

For weeks, these girls, horrible mean girls, sent me emails, messages, and tagged my journals with hurtful hateful things. They read my journals, blasted my secrets everywhere, and generally made my life hell. I couldnt take it, in that time I thought bad thoughts and shrouded myself against them, burrying the pain so deep inside me it knoted in my belly. I comforted him those first weeks when he was so insecure, so scared, so unsure.... when I asked for a little of the same, a little show of affection... it was to much, he would fly off the handle. So I wonder now if he ever loved me, or if I was more of a nurse maid for the emotinally crippled....

And still, despite his flaws, despite the pain hes caused, despite everything, if he came to me, if he said "I can't live without you, let me love you again" I would let him back in. I would open my arms, heart, and soul to him. And I would love him so completely, it would make the moon and stars pale in comparison.

xoxo SJ at 3:10 AM.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Moon Goddess

Last night started out ok. Chris, Rei and I agreed not to talk about Tristan, not to think about it, and I was not to cry all night because I leave for my trip tomorrow and I want to be in the right state of mind to deal with my mother and cousin for 7 hours in the car, and if Im crying at the drop of a hat then... well thenn Im basicly fucked.

Anyway, somehow, as it always does, the conversation turned to Tristan. I dont even remember what we were talking about, its weird but in every coversation there is a reminder. There is a link to him. But the important part of the conversation came just before Chris left, I was in tears and just a mess.

Me- Do you think Im an idiot for loving him?
Chis- No I think hes an idiot for leaving you.
Me- Really?
Chris- Yes.
Me- You do wonders for a girls self esteam.
Chris- I only speak the truth.
Me- You are my shining star you know, one of the few birght spots in my life.
Chris- Ai Abby my little moon goddess
Me-Moon goddess?
Chris- Ya see, the moon goddess is increadibly beautiful but sad, Talented, beautiful, but so sad, like you, my Moon Goddess.

So then he had to go and I was crying again and I dont know. Ive been a mess the last few days. Chris and Rei have been so amazing. So kind and tender, and dead set in the belief I will find happiness again. Thats where the shining star thing came from.

I dont know. I dont know anything anymore. Im taking a few days. Going to Bend with Charity and Mom. Originally I was going to try and stay home. I couldnt... I couldnt stand the thought of being away from him, even three days. I had no idea how we would survive the last weekend in March when he was going to be off LARPing.... sees so strange now... it hurts so much now.

Fox thinks not being his friend is a mistake, and selfish... but I cant... I cant love him, knowing he doesnt love me, and do the things I did before. Before it was easy, He would never love me... but then he did... and then he regretted it and took everything back, without a backwards glance.He says hes not turning his back on me, but he is. While he wants the friendship, he threw away the love. The mornings we spent together, the times in which i really saw him. All of him.

I face the fact, I will never love without the pain of what I went through for him with him, I will never love. Not because I cant, but because I wont. Its not worth it to love and hurt like this. Its time to face facts and grow up. Mark is right, Tristan doesnt have to be the last man I ever love, but because I refuse to open myself up, he will be the last man I ever tell.

xoxo SJ at 2:07 AM.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Donny is going through such a hard time right now. I feel like a bad lil buddy. I mean... we talk right? He doesnt shut me out, and I dont hide from him. We are very much the same person in a lot of ways. So that I can't, litterally can't help him right now makes me feel worse. He needs someone... but... I just.. dont have the energy right now. Im so burt out. The whole experance of the last few days has worn me out. Im sure not sleeping, eating, or allowing myself time doesnt help much. Its pretty pathetic when you friends/family call and tell you that they sure hope you dont look as bad as you sound.

Broken seems to be a term Im using a lot lately. Broken hearts, broken blades, broken wings, broken dreams. (ok that gives me an idea for a poem) Just broken. I feel broken, malfunctioning, out of service. I can't stop thinking about him... about the mornings we would spend together. The way I would walk around the rest of the day smiling, or really that I would go back to bed to grab a little more sleep and curl myself in my blankets with my thoughts of him keeping me warm.

I wrote a story... I never showed him, ever showed anyone. It was just a short piece, really more of a naritive dream I had. About us, lying in bed, talking, watching snow or rain or something, tender touches, gentle love words... it was all there. It was something I wanted to remember, forever.

Nialle and Gabi say Im to intense, I probably am. I cant help it. Im a writer, I feel things passionatly. Love, hate, happiness, misery, I try... but very rarely is there a happy middle ground. Perhaps it was to much for him. He is not happy, nor contented on his own...
There are so many things I could say, things he told me, promises... then only thing I ever wanted was for him to love me, because she hurt him, after one mistake he turns me out....
I know its stupid, Rei keeps telling me, but... I cant be with him and not be with him. Thinking of him with someone else, giving himself to someone else... it tears me apart, if I were to go back to that... it was like, he didnt want to be with me, but when I talked about someone else he was cold, distant.

If we slip back, he will shut me out. He is so cold now.. so distant... Im not speaking ot him... I dont know if hes ok, if he needs something... though Im sure his ex will see to it.... god thats not nice. I shouldny be like that... it just hurts so much. It all hurts so much. SO much sometimes I think I will just collaps from the pain

xoxo SJ at 5:00 AM.

Monday, February 17, 2003

Empty

I dont have a lot to say really... I haven't been online all that much since it happend... someone told me he's talking to his ex again. *shrug* If thats what makes him happy... I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy.
Its not that hes a bad person, or that he meant to hurt me, thats not it at all. Im just... and idiot. I dont deal well with... things. So I avoid them, untill they blow up, I do that a lot, so it seems like my life is in a constant state of drama, that I look for it, but I really dont. Its not like I enjoy this you know?
Right now... stiches.... hurt. *sigh* I am a very bad person. I hurt him, and it kills me, so I hurt myself, but it doesnt make the pain stop. It doesn't change that he doesnt want to be with me... but it ist salt in the wounds hes talking to her again... but its not my place anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking I belonged in his life.
I dont sleep... I mean I never really slept, but I dont sleep at all anymore. I close my eyes and hes there, and I ach for him. He haunts me. Even in my dreams... sadonic dreams, about being with him... its a reacuring dream, we're laying together, watching rain pelt against the window, and I look away for just a moment and when I look back hes gone.... No need to tell you where my mind is.
Rei says I just have to wait it out... I dont know that I can do that.. I dont know that Im strong enough to get through this. I dont know, that I know how to live without him. Before him... I didnt live, I existed, I drifted through life believeing that there was nothing more then what I was doing.. and then suddenly when I had him, everything changed. There was no want, no need, that he didnt completely fill just by being there, just by breathing. Just the thought of him, was reason to go through the day.
But now thats changed,and Im drifting again. Mark came by last night, brought me a pack of ciggies (love you Markie!!) We sat outside watching the rain for a long time talking. He told me I looked like shit. Which is sad, because my boss said the same thing and sent me home early. I dont remember much about last night, except what Marke said just before he left.
Me-Call me when you get home
Him-Its three minuets
Me-A lot can happen in three minutes
Him-Sara, you are wonderful and beautiful. You care about people, and look after them, If he cant over look the fact that you flirt, which by the way is one of the cutest things about you, then hes not the one, and I think that the reason this hurts so much is because you thought he was. Tristan isnt the last man you are ever going to love.
Then he patted my head and left. He's a great guy. Hes not Tristan though... I think that is like.. every guy I come into contact with is compared to him. They all fall short somehow. Not right, not what I want... when I was with Tristan, its like all the things I loved about guys, everything I loved about people, that I loved about life, was incompassed in this ONE person, and it made putting up with the tempers, and the distance, and the way he was never really sure... it made it worth it because I thought with time.... I guess I thought with time he would come to be sure about me. That I wasnt like his ex, that I only wanted to be with him, that I would die for him, that I would spend the rest of my life loving him if he would let me.... I told Rei once "I could spend the rest of eternity in those eyes, kissing those lips."
So it goes.

xoxo SJ at 11:58 PM.

The Saga Ends

Tristan and I are over, completely finished, never happening again. Im to much like Ally for his liking. So he.. expected me to go back to wanting to be his best friend, his whipping post, to concealing my feelings to save his. Because thats what it was before. I dont know if he realises that.

I spent the morning in bed. I couldnt.... move. Ky, Chris, and Trin all called. I couldnt talk. When I finally gave in to moms pestering and took Mizza's call I burst into tears. She actually came by. Basicly she came in, gave me my valentine and said "You look like shit take a shower"
So I did, I thought it would make me feel human. WRONG. I ran out of hot water, and had to finish washing my hair with cold water. Which sucked. *sigh*

Then of course came the second conversation with him. Which was worse then the first..... then I did some stupid things. And sat outside in the rain....

The rest of the day is sort of a blur.... a lot of crying, throwing up, and watching sappy movies.... I want him to be happy and if this makes him happy fine... but the good times are what makes this so hard.

I thought he saw me. THe real me, the me I dont like to admit I am... I thought he saw that girl and loved her... but I guess he just didnt love her enough to over look the flaws.
I am alone. So it goes.

xoxo SJ at 2:43 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James