SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Life Lessons in Ten Minutes or less

I barely got my research paper handed into Masterchief C. today. Actually I skipped class and wrote it in that hour and a half. Then I went out for a cigarette with Hope- even though I still don’t smoke. I’m just funny like that. Then I caught Kadie outside her math class, I went over her work’s cited page and cover page with her because she was worried, then we went and got coffee. It was just the pick me up I needed.

Now I’m waiting for her to get out of U.S. History, and we’re going to go grab an early dinner. I’m glad I’m getting to spend time with her because I’ve really missed that little munchkin.

I feel like life is so crazy right now, I haven’t had a “real” conversation with Ari in ages. We’re just too busy. I meant to call her this weekend but I was busy hiding from my family.

Speaking of family, my cousin Jenifer had her baby. She named it Danielle, which was a dig at my little sister because it’s her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s name. I thought that was pretty fucked up but what are you gonna do. Jen has always been like that.

My sister called me once while they were down and then I didn’t hear from her until I got her email this morning. I just rolled my eyes. She’s so caught up in her little sixteen year old Drama. It’s sort of funny actually because to me that would be so much nicer to deal with than all the crap that’s been going on lately. I am so sick of my family…

BUT on a positive note, this is the first Holiday/family visit since I was sixteen that I didn’t have to get completely shit-faced to deal with it. I think that’s sort of a minor accomplishment in and of itself. I am sticking to this no more alcohol thing. I know that right now with my state of mind I would fall back into that trap of doing it all the time if I had it in reach.

Actually there were a couple times over our little break- while Aunt S. was there- that I my automatic reaction was “I need a drink, I can’t deal with this”. Now I know there are people who would say that’s really awful, but all I can say is thinking and doing aren’t the same thing. We all have vices, at least mine doesn’t involve slicing myself to shit anymore.

We really do have to take the little victories where we can you know- or this thing called life would swallow us up. If we find joys in our little accomplishments, it doesn’t all seem so insurmountable.

xoxo SJ at 6:26 PM.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Buddha's Angry Daughter aka The Dangers of Self Medicating

“Someone hand me a another Micky’s” Scarlett’s slurred, girlish voice giggled as she curled up on Maddie’s bed. It was a crisp, fall night and this gathering of hedonists had been well under way since roughly 9:30. Already the girls were three sheets to the wind and showed no signs of stopping. It was, after all, a time for celebration, finals were nearly over and that meant that there would be no more 7AM classes or annoying fire drills in the middle of study group to deal with. One of the random “party” goers (that had no real place in this sacred circle of friends) tossed the slightly inebriated Scarlett another bright green tall boy, and plopped down next to her with a rakish grin. She simply looked at him with alcohol hazed eyes and pushed the side of his head before struggling to her feet, still grinning like a Cheshire Cat and went to fiddle with the stereo.

“Ugh! Maddins don’t you have anything besides this stupid Emo crap? Iss killing my buzz,” her voice had changed from slightly giddy to playfully whining as she awkwardly flipped through the stack of disks on Madison’s dresser. She stumbled slightly as she tried to slip a burned mix into the stereo.

“Tousin you’re not buzzed, we can’t even legally call you tipsy,” came the voice of the non-important party goer beside her as he slipped an arm around her waist his free hand steadying hers.

Even in her slightly blinded stupor Scarlett knew this boy, this plebian, could lead to nothing productive. He was a townie, a loser, a pothead that hid behind the guise of political activism. He also seemingly had little understanding of what personal space was. He kept pawing at her, “accidentally” grabbing her as she tried to push away.
Now, to anyone else this might not have seemed so strange, a bunch of drunk college students, someone’s bound to get groped. However, Scarlett Tousin was not thin. She was not blonde, and she was not, under any circumstance, what one could, would, or should call buxom. In fact, had she not been "blessed" with such rounded hips, and plush pillowy arms, she might have resembled a prepubescent boy. Her dark brown, painfully straight hair often found itself dyed strange shades of red or pink; and was forever falling into her heavily lined almond shaped eyes: Eyes that could never decide to be blue, green, or brown. Her flushed, rosy lips created a slow easy smile quietly between two round dimpled cheeks. Her nose, like the rest of her, softly curved into a small peak that wrinkled often when she laughed.

In short she was not beautiful. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say; she was not beautiful in the tragically typical, disgustingly anorexic, Hollywood standard worshiped by the Plebian masses. She was not an all around “Cali Gurl”. She wore strange clothes, gaudy jewelry, and believed life was like a movie; in particular her life was a bad “B” movie in which all the rest of the actors got better lines. She existed quietly, on the fringe of other more important lives, the lives of her family and friends. She lived in the room they allotted her and asked little more of anyone. She took up no space that was not predetermined and longed for the freedom of being a wild thing. She wanted to be Holly Golightly and Angeline Jolie all rolled in to one. She longed for firm lines and tight clothes. She got round edges and baggy jeans.

That was then why this sudden interest of Random-Party-Boy was at once annoying and confusing. Scarlet was unused to attention from anyone. She liked being alone. Even in her alcoholic daze she knew that he was only after her because she was defenseless, and that made the normally pacifistic Scarlett more than a little angry. Giving him a hard shove, she stumbled back across the cluttered dorm room, past Madison (already zoned out in her chair), past Alicia (who had taken up drunkenly kissing her ex-boyfriend), past the tangle of legs that were Ema and Leigh (sprawled on the floor playing ancient video games). She didn’t know what she was moving toward, but it had to have been something, or maybe she was just moving away from the dipshit who didn’t understand she didn’t feel like being fondled. She couldn’t even decide in that moment as she stood there weaving slightly. Either way you looked at it, her mind wasn’t forming connected thoughts anymore; they were blips, quickly there and quickly gone. She was aware of the things around her, she could hear the sounds of Donkey Kong and Placebo in the background, “A friend in needs a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better, a friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who's dressed in leather…”

As she swayed on her feet (not because she loved the song but because she couldn’t keep her balance otherwise) a pair of strong hands gripped her upper arms as she nearly toppled to the floor. She turned to wail on the Random-Party-Boy but instead found herself glaring into the clearest blue eyes she’d ever seen. A slow smile of recognition spread across her dazed features as she turned fully finally, and flung her arms around the much taller male nearly squealing “Jamesie!”

The blonde laughed and gave her an equally exuberant hug, before holding her at arms length again “Tousin you are a complete alcoholic.” His voice was good-natured as he tugged on her thick braid, his other hand still steadying her.

“I am not!” She grinned, her nose wrinkling as she gave a small hiccup. She covered her mouth, her dark eyes wide for a moment before she gave a soft giggle and buried her face in his shoulder “Ok, maybe I am, but only a little.”
James rolled his eyes and kissed the top of her head in a brotherly fashion, letting her body’s weight sag into his sturdier frame. He had been friends with the girls for nearly a year. Techincally he had met Maddie first, but had taken little note of her until one afternoon while hanging out at Java Jungle he’d accidentally met the other half of the dynamic duo. She came bursting into the shop with a great laugh, throwing Milkduds over her shoulder at Madison and Alicia, her cheeks flushed from the cold outside. The three had ordered their lattes and Madison introduced them.

The second he’d met Scarlett she’d interested him in a strange way. While at first her blatant “men are idiots” attitude put him on the defensive, he found more and more as the months wore on he genuinely liked being around her. She was the sort of girl who had something and didn’t even see it. There were moments she would say things that could completely blow him away. She had a wicked sense of humor and could drink an Irishmen under the table. She argued over boxing matches and seemed to love the lamest movies ever. She wasn’t really the sort of girl James would date, she was too hard, too difficult. She was the sort of girl that you couldn’t ever define what you had when you had her.

James’ biggest problem was he couldn’t have her. She was, for all intents and purposes, not interested in anything from anyone. She told him often how much she despised happy couples. She had given long, painfully funny, and brutally honest diatribes about the idiocy known as dating. She had even confided in him once, while under the influence of Vodka, that the only time she felt whole was when she was on her own. This attitude made her unattainable, which was the only real reason he probably wanted her at all. Really he didn’t even want her, it was a strange mix of loving everything about her, and never wanting to see her naked. With Scarlett he got the best of both worlds. She asked nothing of him and made no claim on his life. She was there when he needed her, and when he didn’t she had her own life.

As James kept the inebriated girl from landing squarely on her ass, Scarlett looked up at him with a sleepy smile, her eyelids drooping as she placed her hands on his shoulders “You know, Jamesie, if you walk me back to my room I might not get caught.” She was using her slightly pleading voice as she bit her lip. It would be a complete shame if they were to get caught now, at the end of term, doing what they had for the last year. With Scarlett’s luck she’d get half way down the stairs, fall, break her neck, and die. Those were the sort of things that happened to Scarlett, er not the dying bit, but the rest of it. Everyone else could get away with anything a million times, the one time Scarlett did it, something was bound to go wrong. Her luck just worked like that.

James smiled and gave a small nod “Alright then, but I’m stealing a can of Beef Ravioli”.

Scarlett gave a small gasp, pretending to be offended “No soup for you!”

“Not soup, Ravioli” He grinned and slipped an arm around her; reminding whosoever was still among the sober, the door needed to be locked when they left. Leading her down the hallway he pushed her door open and helped the stumbling girl inside.

She gave a small grunt as she ran into her computer chair and then lumbered toward her bed. She didn’t bother changing simply fell on top of the blankets and closed her eyes with a little smile tugging on her lips. “Thank You Jamseie. Alysse never catches us when you’re around. I think you distract her with your devilishly good looks.”

“You think so Tousin?” James grinned and dropped onto the floor beside her bed, resting his head against her soft arm.

“Mmmhmm. She thinks you’re a Hawttie.” Scarlet didn’t even bother to open an eye as she bunched up the tattered teddy bear she kept on her bed and stuck it under her head. “She told Madison she thinks you’re interested.”

“Eh? In Aly? Not so much. She’s not…” his voice trailed off as he tried to find the right words.

“She’s not a size four and completely shtupid?” Though her voice was still heavy with drink, Scarlett had led them down a slippery road to a fight. They never talked about the sort of girls James dated because they were icky and Scarlett didn’t approve. Madison and Gina claimed it was because she was insanely jealous, but Scarlett insisted it was simply because he could have done so much better.

James just looked at her for a moment, eyes narrowing a bit “Is that what you think Tou? That I only date bimbos?”

Scarlett gave a small laugh, opening one eye to look down at him. Drinking cheap alcohol made her tongue loose. She said things in those moments she never would have otherwise. “Jamseie, Honey, Darling Sweetness and Light of my life,” She paused giving a small scoffing laugh “Did you ever actually speak to the last girl you dated?”
She paused again as he gave her a look mixed with sheepishness and slight distaste “If you had you would understand where these judgments come from.” She giggled, resting her head against his shoulder, her breath smelling very much like a disturbing mix of cherries and cheap beer

He looked at her for a moment longer before looking away, a smirk tugging on his lips. “Come on, Candi was as bad as Mason”

Scarlett sat up then, arms bracing her weight. Her eyes narrowed as she tried to form some sort of drunken argument. Ten minutes ago she’d been giddy, now she was just getting plain old annoyed. “That isn’t even a fair comparison Bucko. Mason had serious issues I was helping him work through. Candi doesn’t have enough brain to have issues that need to be worked through.”

Though he didn’t know why, James felt himself become defensive. “Mason was a drug addict who cheated on you with some girl he met at Art School. Those aren’t ‘issues’ Scarlett, those are major fuckups.”

“That is not fair.” Scarlett’s cry was completely indignat as she hit him with her pillow. “You don’t know! You came into the situation late. He was my best friend before we got together.” Sitting up completely she let her legs dangle over the edge of the bed, and James rested his head against her knee. Even when they were fighting they weren’t really fighting, at least not the way either of them was used to. She would get angry, tell him he was a jackass, and then they would keep talk like nothing ever happened. She never just stormed away. Likewise he could pick her apart, but never seemed to tire of it.

“I think it’s a pretty damn accurate judgment, besides I was with Candi before I met you,” he spoke carefully, although a bit smugly, as he toyed with the frayed cuff of her jeans. His eyes wandered over the small daisies he had watched her carefully stick into the faded material not a week before.

Scarlett scoffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest “You met Candi two days before you met me, hooked up with her in a bathroom stall, and called yourself a “couple” the next day. That isn’t a relationship, James. She was a sweet girl, but she had nothing to offer anyone who wasn’t into T&A.” She pressed her lips together and fell into a strange sort of silence. Finally, she exhaled slowly and reached out to toy with his hair as she tried to clear her head. In the back of her mind she knew this conversation would not end happily, but she didn’t know how to stop it. They both pushed hard subjects. Sometimes she felt like it was a competition to see who could say what to get under whose skin first.

“At least she was cool with me spending time with you and the girls. Mason was just a jackass. He tried to sequester you from everyone.” His voice was slightly indignant as he tilted his head to look up at her. She was frowning, deep lined furrowed in her brow as her hand hovered above his head.

“And I broke up with him, didn’t I? You just lost interest in Candi. So, I’m sorry if it’s a little hard for me to compare the two, or believe you would want anything to do with Alysse. She’s a strong personality James; you don’t deal well with women who have strong personalities”

“I deal with you.” He turned then to look at her. He didn’t understand fully himself why he felt compelled to drive home what a waste of space her last boyfriend had been. He knew how hard she took the breakup, how lost and crazy and unhealthy she felt after it happened. He knew how badly her trust had been marred, so why did he feel compelled to rub her nose in such a gigantic failure?

“I am not difficult!” Scarlett’s voice rose slightly in indignant pitch. She went out of her way to not be difficult, to not force herself upon others and found it highly offensive he would imply otherwise.

“Oh come on Scarlett!” James rolled his eyes and shook his head before continuing “You are the single most opinionated woman I know. It’s what I love about you!”

“I am not!” She narrowed her eyes at him, her lips drawn into an angry frown. “And even if I was, I’m not a size four either, so even though you love it, you’d still never love me.” The words left Scarlett’s mouth before she really knew what she was saying. She closed her eyes tightly against the sound of her own voice, wishing she could take back the words that seemed to echo off the walls.

They were needy, dependant words that she hated. They screamed for validation that she swore she didn’t need. They changed who she was becoming, and made her who she had been. She hated who she had been with a venomous passion and never wanted to be that person again. And in that moment, she hated James for making her say those things, making her feel those things. This was not how she wanted this relationship to go.

Things were simple with James. They hung out, had a few beers, and talked about the deep things in life. They could share screwed up childhood stories and spend hours sitting in silence as they read over her Philosophy book. She could be crazy and silly and serious and scathing and they still fit together. It didn’t matter. That was the best part. His mood seemed to alter to fit hers, instead of the other way around.

Now they were sitting here fighting over who really knew what, and she had just dropped a bomb that could ruin everything. If her life really had been a movie this was the moment when the director would have inserted a war montage of the A-Bomb and cities under siege. She waited, her lip caught between her teeth, alcoholic daze lifting, almost completely, as he looked back at her with wide eyes. She had this sinking feeling nothing would ever be the same between them. She had started off mockingly defending Alysse. She had meant to make fun of him and slip into a happy alcohol hazy dream world where she could look like Marilyn Monroe and spend hours with Arthur Miller and Joey D. She hadn’t meant for things to change so drastically with just a few silly words.

James cleared his throat once and then again, looking away for lack of anything else to do. When he finally spoke his words were careful “Do you even know what you’re saying right now?”

The guilt that she had felt melted away to annoyance “You’re the one who opened this can of worms.” She gave a small huff and crossed her arms over her chest, slumping against the wall.

“No, I said I wasn’t interested in Aly, and then you made this be about you.” James’ voice was level and pointed as he looked at her. He couldn’t understand where her annoyance was coming from. Was he suddenly a monster for not being interested in the extremely scary and overbearing head R.A.? Did his ability to see that she was a life sucking force that spoiled everyone’s fun make him a son of a bitch? To a sane person that line of logic would never fly. Scarlett, however, was rarely sane, and didn’t seem interested in listening to reason.

“Ok you need to leave now,” Scarlett’s hand fell away from her face. She knew technically she was still drunk, but she already felt severely hung over. He, of course, complied, standing slowly and moving toward the door. She followed making sure to lock up behind him before turning on the TV, switching the light off, and flopping down on her bed. The glow radiating from the small box cast strange shadows on the wall as Scarlett hugged her teddy bear tightly to her chest, drifting into a fitful sleep.

The next morning dawned dreary, with heavy clouds and fat rain drops plip plopping to the ground. Scarlett felt as though every small vibration brought on by the falling rain traveled through her body. Standing on watery legs she moved toward her mirror and gave a pitiful groan. She looked like death warmed over, and while she tired to tell herself that it was only because she’d drank so much the night before, she knew really it was more about the awkwardness she was sure would ensue the next time she saw James.

With a disgusted sigh she turned away from the mirror, shut off the T.V. and fell back into bed, covering her face with a florescent pink pillow. How could I have been so stupid? I swear to God Nan is right and alcohol is Satan’s horrific spawn. Her inevitably self-deprecating train of thought was interrupted by a loud, annoying pounding on her window. Pulling back the vibrant pink of her curtains she looked up to the window and made a small face. Random-Party-Boy. She gave an audible groan closing her eyes Arg! Why do you psychos always find me? I didn’t like you when I was drunk; I’m not going to go licking at your boots because I’m sober. Stupid egocentric self-absorbed boys, think they’re the center of the God-dang universe. All they ever do is ruin everything.

Finally she forced herself to her feet, as the offending party refused to cease and desist with the pounding. She glared unhappily as she forced open the window and looked down at Grabby McGrabberton, arching a slender eyebrow “It’s eight o’clock in the freaking morning. What do you want?” Her voice sounded horrible, gone where the traces of laughter and obvious good humor, and in its place resided something that sounded very much like a dying frog. Party boy held up a bag from Burger King and nodded toward the door .

“Lemme in and I’ll share,” He was trying to be enticing. Scarlet, however, felt her stomach heave up and she slammed the window in his face before scurrying toward the communal bathroom down the hall from her room. If this is what morning sickness was like, the Brood Sows of America could keep it.

Twenty minutes later she was back in bed, still mulling over the crisis she had created the night before with drunken rambling. Holding her pillow over her head she tried to drown out the sounds of the waking world and slip back into a nice vegetative state. For the first time in the three months since she decorated her dorm room, the bright colors bothered her. The sight of her lime green sheets on the narrow bed made her nauseous, the rosy glow cast on the walls by her pink curtains blinded her, and the very feel of her fury purple pillow under her head made her nerves ache. I am never drinking again. Ever. I don’t care if I said that last time. I mean it this time. This is just ridiculous. Garg. Stupid alcohol making me do stupid things.

Again her train of thought was interrupted, this time by the phone. Sighing she forced herself from her cocoon of self hate long enough to answer. She, of course, didn’t think to check the caller ID and was forced to bite back a groan as her eyes fell on James’ number, trying to burrow deeper into her covers her muffled voice was barely audible. “Its only 8:30. Can’t we analyze how I ruined our friendship later?”

James laughed, the sort of small timid laugh everyone gives racial jokes before looking toward the possible offended parties for an ok. “I didn’t call to make you feel guilty Tou. I was just checking to be sure you hadn’t pulled a Hendrix and choked on your own indignant bile.”

“Har Har Har. You’re a riot Jamie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go crawl back into the primordial funk from whence I came.” She hung up then, pulling her comforter over her head. It was only ten or fifteen minutes later when the damn knocking started again. Ignoring it Scarlett burrowed deeper into her covers and pretended to be dead.

xoxo SJ at 3:23 PM.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Hmmm

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I always know when the "little black rain cloud" is upon me because I can't seem to focus to do anything.
I can't seem to make myself face Hogwarts, or Nano, or even my school work. I want to crawl into bed and not come out.

However, this is not healthy there for Im forcing myself through the latter and trying not to have mini break downs every day.

Ari went to Potter tonight. I'm excited for her, she needed a little fun.
I however am going to bed as soon as my clothes are dry. Ugh! *bats rain clouds away*

xoxo SJ at 10:10 PM.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Dooby Dooby Dooo

My mother is staying with my Aunt tonight. There MUST be a God/dess out there somewhere and right now they love me.

I really do love my mother but I am so sick of her whiney ass.

I spent most of the day studying, got another email from Simon, it was interesting. He seems like a nice guy- interesting at least.

I want to go shopping.

Ugh Im so shallow.

xoxo SJ at 7:22 PM.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

TGI...T?

Thank the Goddess it's... Thursday?

ha! Thats right! No Biology tomorrow WOOT! I am so flippin excited. Only not really because I still have to get up atlike six to get to the blood takey place so they can get my labs done for my doctor who called last night to remind me that I need to get that stuff done asap which means tonight is fasting night. I hate fasting.

Anyway. Other than that.

I don't want to go to Western Civ today. I am really starting to hate that class. I cannot wait until we get past this test. We're moving into the REALLY interesting stuff like the crusades which I actually know a lot about because I've watched so many history documentaries on it. Hah. Go me!

I am SO fully of energy today, actualy Miss Lisa is sitting next to me in the lab and laughing at me because I had a BIG White Chocolate Latte this morning! So Im all like WAHBAM!

I was bouncing around in Shakespeare too lol and trying to explain this Milk of Human Kindess quote to someone and I kept going off on these little side tangents. I really think I amused D.G. this morning.

He came in and we started in on him about never being able to leave us with a substitute again and hes looks at the rest of the class and is like "Are you all just going to sit there and let them bitch?" It was funny.

However I might not want to do caffine on an empty stomach anymore. It makes me WEIRD!

ugh I've been having to eat this yogart stuff to be sure I don't get like some weird infection from the antibotic that my Dr. put me on monday. I am SO sick of vanilla custard style stuff. It used to be my favorite but NO! I don't like it anymore. The rasberry wasn't too bad but meh something about the texture is just not right.

xoxo SJ at 3:00 PM.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

moog

I have nothing of interest to say anymore?

At the moment I am going through shopping withdrawls. I really feel the need to shop. I don't know why. I'm sure it's shallow. I don't really care though.

Mom was whining about me being tempermental last night, apprently living with me is like living with a growling bear.

I didn't tell her she might want to take a hint and not poke the bear, but I wanted to.

I think it's just the time of year. The transitional periods between Summer/Fall and Fall/Winter are never really good for me. I think its the extreams in tempeture. I dunno. It just always makes me feel icky and unwanted.

Which is so not how it is, apprently. I don't know. A part of me feels like I'm losing touch with reality.

And I have all of these thoughts that no one wants to hear and because I know no one wants to hear them I keep them to myself, because God Forbid I push the limits set before me by what other people can deal with.

xoxo SJ at 8:29 AM.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Snagged from Ari

Ten years ago: I was eleven.
Five years ago: I was in love with Billy
One year ago: I was living in the dorms and not hating my mother.

Five yummy things:
· Hershey S'mores mini candy bars
· Rainy days spent in bed away from idiots
· Diet Rite Grape Soad
· Rice A Roni
· White Chocolate Lattes from Joltz n J

Five Songs I know by heart:
· My Immortal by Evanescence
· Sitting Waiting Wishing by Jack Johnson
· Tale As Old As Time from Beauty and the Beast
· Wish I May by Ani Difranco
· Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot (oh come on we all know it!)

Five things I would do with a lot of money:
· Pay off all school debt
· Retire to the coast and write a book
· Go shopping with Ari
· Visit Stratford on Avon
· Pay to have my mother shipped to Ethiopia

Five Places I would escape to:
· Paris
· Ireland
· The English Countryside
· Switzerland
· The Virgin Islands

· Five Things I would never wear:
· Hot pants
· Cheap plastic shoes that aren’t flip flops
· Hammer Pants
· PLUMBER JEANS with THONG STRAPS showing.
· Anything Paris Hilton wore first.

Five favorite tv shows:
· Law and Order
· Law and Order SVU
· Law and Order Criminal Intent
· Harvey Birdman
· Family Guy

Five things I enjoy doing:
· Hanging out with Ari @ Joltz and J.
· Shopping
· Reading
· Swimming
· Sleeping

Five Fave Toys:
· K.D.B’s cell phone
· Sony Psyc Alarm clock
· Any computer that isn’t mine ugh.
· PSP
· My shnuggly Bunny Roo.

xoxo SJ at 10:21 PM.

Someone CLUE ME IN

I don't UNDERSTAND how the fuck my mother has made it through 51 years of life. Honestly.

All she ever does is tell me how inconciderate I am, how I never think of anyone but myself (which is a complete crock of shit, if anything my problem is I deal with everyone esle before I deal with myself). All she EVER does is tell me how awful I treat her!

And yet, she can't do the ONE simple thing I ask her? Is it so fucking impossible to pick up a god damn phone and call me before she comes home because UH HELLO we need tollietpaper.

She even said "oh don't give me the list now, I'll forget it after Bunko, I'll call you"

Does she call?

Does she bring home tolietpaper?

NO.

What does she bring home from the store? Ickly oatmeal cookies and a two liter thing of Diet Coke.

And I'm the unfeeling heartless bitch?

Someone explain this to me because I do not understand what the FUCK goes through her god damn head! I don't get it!

In other news they're not going to operate on the cyst yet but she's stuck me back on Zoloft because apprently not eating regularly and not giving two shits about the things that used to matter mean you're going to slit your wrists or throw yourself off a bridge.

OH and goodie goodie gumdrops, the only OBGYN they could get me into is a man.

I don't care if he's a professional. It's still a man looking at my Noni.

I don't deal well with men ANYWAY.

Ugh.

And you know the more I think about what Emrys said last night the more it bothers me. He was completely out of line. And while I might be an utter bitch, I am never an utter bitch to the people who matter, to the people I care about. So that tells me he doesn't give two shits about what he says or does to upset people.

Not that I didn't already know that after what he did to Tallie.

It however bothers me greatly.

UGH.

I am so sick of this crap. I am sick of my life. I am sick of the majoirty of people in my life. I am SICK of pretending I'm not sick of the fuckheads I have to spend time with.

The only way this could be worse is if Bryan started calling again.

Oh speak of the devil. *deletes Bryan's annoying pleading message from machine.* NOW do you see why I screen my calls Ari?

Between dumbfuck and bill collecters looking for Mom. GAH I hate my phone.

Before anyone tells me Im being a Queen and overracting, I am PERFECTLY aware of it. AND I DONT CARE.

ARGH!

xoxo SJ at 10:20 PM.

Piffle

So I was really annoyed last night. Mom’s getting to me and I’ve only been home four days. That doesn’t bode well for the rest of the term, erg year that I have to live with her.

Now I know some of you might wonder how it’s humanly possible to be so horrible about my mother and still claim to love her. Honestly I do love her, with my whole heart, but the problem is she’s a hypocrite. I hate hypocrites. She bitches about how little I do when I’m busting my butt at school on 12 hour days and not understanding a lot of things that should be really simple. I have to go and pretend to be nice and like people and act like I want to be around them- when I clearly DO NOT. Then I come home and all she does is bitch at me and say very not nice things, and tell me what a disappointment I am.

I love my mother. I just don’t like her as a person.

Which seems to be really hard for her to understand, its like me loving my dad but not really caring if I hear from him ever again. Talking to him and having him in my life makes my life difficult, it makes me unhappy because he isn’t the person I need him to be. He isn’t a “father” so much as a nice man who knocked my mother up. If I liked my life I might be grateful, but a lot of the time I want to throw noodles at them and tell them I never asked to be born.

That isn’t to say I’m suicidal, I’m not- but if I had known at the end of my 9 months incubation what the next 20 years would be like, I might have refused to come out until I was sure that they were more equipped to be parents.

I shouldn’t have to take care of my mom. I didn’t give birth to her. It was the other way around. I shouldn’t have to pay attention to her and listen to her whine and put up with her shitty ass temper tantrums when she doesn’t like what I have to say.

However, as long as I’m a broke ass college student, I don’t have a lot of option.

Damn it.

xoxo SJ at 12:18 PM.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

blergerdorff

Once again, I did nothing today. Well thats not true I got Evie's threads up. That was a pain in my ass. I don't know what we're going to do when Annie and Lydsie get married.

My mother just came in and asked me to wash her a bowl and a fork. She was just in the kitchen. STANDING NEXT TO THE SINK- but she would rather walk ALLLLLL the way back to my room and as me to do it for her than to do it herself. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK.

snarff.

xoxo SJ at 1:17 PM.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

The Beast and I got into a huge fight yesterday. I however managed to make her feel insanely guilty. So it all worked out.

I have this lump thingy under my arm.

I'm sort of worried about it.

If its a cyst then that means surgery.

Blerg.

xoxo SJ at 1:16 PM.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Kitty Kitty

I hada nice conversation with Fauna last night. I got a lot of stuff out I'd been bottling up, She was very understanding. Which was nice.

I go home today. Blerg. lol on the plus side I think Ari might be as sad about it as I am. That makes me feel loved.

Actually, I think if I end up at Portland, we would make really great roommates. We like being together, but we're ok in our own seperate little corners too.

I'm not really tired today so much as lathargic... Ford is now sitting on me. ha

Ok he's gone.

He's a very demanding little kitty. He was catterwalling outside the den door this morning to be let in to the room. Then he continued to chew me out for taking so long.

Oh oh oh! I got my check yesterday. This means I might just be able to eat for the rest of the term. Wooty Woo!

I have nothing else to say.

Blerger Snarff.

xoxo SJ at 1:15 PM.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Shakespeare and Junk

Erg I just got out of Shakes, finally got my Othello test taken. The only really hard part was the Quotes- and really that was just two of them. I couldn't for the life of me remember who said "tis but a man gone", and I'm going to be REALLY annoyed if it was someone really easy. yick.

I'm looking over my schedual again. Oy. I'll only be takeing 15 credits because frankly 17 is kicking my ass. I feel like I don't have time for anything so I just shut down and ignore it all. I can't DO that now. It's getting down to go time.

Anyway my days should be pretty lite-
Monday
9-10 World Lit with D.G.
10-11 Math with Lockett

Tuesday
10-11 Math with Lockett
12-1:30 Western Civ II with Masterchief C
5:30-7 Biology with C.F.

Wednesday
9-10 World Lit with D.G.
10-11 Math with Lockett

Thursday
10-11 Math with Lockett
12-1:30 Western Civ II with Mastercheif C
2-5 Biology Lab with C.F.
5:30-7 Biology with C.F.

Friday
9-10 World Lit with D.G.
10-11 Math with Lockett

xoxo SJ at 1:14 PM.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I love this new Green Layout. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I do think its funny that my house of choice is Slytherin while all of my friends and fellow Harry Potter freakies are Gryffindors- well Widmere is a Ravenclaw but I think thats rather befitting of her. Really Im a Raven-Slyth hybrid with some scruples- not many anymore though. Ha!

Anyway, last night was awesome. We were up till after twoish I think watching HP and the SS. I love that movie! Ickle Danny and Rup and Em were so cute! I just wanted to pinch their cheeks! Seriously. Its sort of sad.

I cannot wait for the next movie to come out! Ari and a couple people are going to the midnight showing opening night, then shes turning around and going with a huge group of us to the first night showing @ the Reel here. I've never actually done the whole group thing together. Like whenever we went before it was just Mom and I.

Actually, though it rather shames me to say, I never even saw the first one in theaters because I was protesting the buzz. I was under the mistaken impression that just because someone was popular meant it couldn't be good.

I of course didn't take into account that maybe the reason it was so popular was because duh the content was BRILLIANT.

Erg anyway.

xoxo SJ at 8:12 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
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