SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Abby is.... sleepy today. Last night was pretty ineresting, I spent all day working on getting the living room clean, I still have a lot to do, but last night Charity decided we needed to clean my room. so we get started, and I mean we REALLY cleaned, like my closet, drawers, bookshelves, boxes I hadnt opend since the move (when I was 13, Im now 18 *shudder*).Anyway, in the end, 3 bags to take to the Youth Ranch, 4 of clothes that are just to ewww to keep, and like... a truckload of stuff to haul off to the dump.
Next I have to clean the carpet because its just sort of... ewwww, but mom got a new steam-vac for Chrismas so it shouldnt be to bad. We drank Corona and played 20 questions. I found out A LOT I didnt not need or want to know, like Charity's first year at college, she spent finals week drunk/hungover and still managed to ace every final. And then I asked "ok so how often where you drunk?" and she said "Well ok.. like if we averaged it out, two days a week, but if you added all the days up, it would total like.. a month." I live with a bunch of drunks. Mom was so tipsy even after just half a beer, she just this goofy stupid grin. I actually didnt really feel anything. Just sort of giggly, but that was more from Charity's college stories then anything else.
I talked to Jared this morning. I havent talked to him in a long time. We talked about Tristan, but I didnt find myself getting hysterical, just reserved and maybe a little sorry. Then I told him about Kenneth and how things are going and everyting. Then we talked about what music we like and all that peachy stuff.
Jay and I arent speaking anymore... I dunno... its a mess. Maybe I did overreact, but its not pride, its not... ego. Its real emotion and.. maybe its better this way. Jay and I always had a roky realtionship. And when it came down to me being mad a her she was just... horrible, she knows what to say to make me feel four inches tall. And its weird but like... I guess... I just wanted her to care that it hurt me and understand why.
Daniel called me yesterday. Hes so cute sometimes. Hes like addicted to my voice or something lol. His sisters tease him about having a crush on me *aww* He hates it when I use that word lol. We got to talking this morning about diets and how they become like obsessons. How much youve lost, how much more you have to go, the feeling of satisfaction when you go to bed, just a little bit hungery because it means youre doing good, the shame when you gain a little bit back, even if it is just water weight, the way not matter how much you lose its never enough, there is no "last five pounds".

xoxo SJ at 3:55 AM.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

grrr!

I could kil Gus. Honestly I hate him. I truely do which is horrible to say about one of Kenneth's friends and hardly fair at all, but I do hate him. I think its Satans spawn. He got in touch with Ally and then Kenneth talked to her, and I hate this because its MY life, its MY skeltons in MY closet, and Its not that I wouldnt have told Kenneth eventualy, its that talking about it now hurts like hell.
Ive sorto f stopped alking ot everyone... I just want the world to go away. I feel like if i talk ifI tell them, then I drag them down. I dont want ot be hte reason you hate yourself. Dont make me tell you how the hurt swallows me up and I cant even breathe.
Ive walked around the last few days with a headach, more of a migrian really. Its rigt over my eyes in the front of my forehead and it pounds. blah
Ive made a real pig of myself lately, which know i stress enduced, and upset, but... the last couple days I just cant seem to stop eating. It was weird... when Tristan broke up with me, I didn eat for three weeks, and then when I finally did, it was only at Mums insistance.... so I wouldnt die... which I thought was pointless

xoxo SJ at 10:53 AM.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

slip

Its just a slip up... But its a slip tht cost my pretty little skin a few more scars. I do ok when I dont think about him, when I pretend he was never real... but when Im forced to remember I feel so worthless... it was my blood sweat and tears that went into the realtionship into him.. and he jut.. threw me away the only thing he can say is I made him weak. hendered him.
Then there is Here is this man, this proper man, a real man, who is strong, sucessful, romantic, loving, who thinks I walk on water with all the things he loves about me, and promise my flaws dont make me less, only tangible... here is this real live living breathing man who wants me. And the only thing I can think is.. men never fail to do what is in their nature to do. They fallow their peckers to greener pastures and tighter asses. Fallow there eyes to a body less scarred, and hearts to a soul less scared..... all the promises in the world cant make them stay.
If Im wrong, and my thoughts on men are totally off base you know what that means dont you?They dont leave everyone, they dont quash everyone under their boot heels they do it to me. The only thing Ive learned from my past is that I dont mean shit.
I fully believe people love to know we are not alone. To know we are wanted and needed.... that need is the same thing that drives me to smile like Im not dying and laugh like Im not in pain. Its just easier to believe I am not loveable and worthless then to risk having it taken away again.... In the moment Trist told me he loved me I became whole again, I loved blindly, faithfully, when he told me he lost his faith in me, I lost my faith in everything.
Dre and were talking and he told me the last time he and his ex broke up she was the one that ended it, and I couldnt help myself I was like "Maybe she was trying to leave before you left her again...Tristan was the one who broke up with me, but I was the one that left. And I left because I couldnt take it anymore, because I knew eventually he would leave me and the cycle would go on foever."

xoxo SJ at 2:49 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
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♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James