SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, April 24, 2004

I've avoided making any real entries lately because I haven't felt up to dealing with my own thoughts in my head, but tonight I think I need to. I think I need to get this out before I make myself sicker or something. I don't know how many people were aware but Dan flew in today, we hung out, he was an hour late picking me up from my last class, it was cool though. We came back to the house, talked for a bit, cuddled for awhile, then he kissed me, twice, and honestly... I dont know... like you know when you're little and you want to wipe your mouth after a kiss because it feels slimey? Thats the feeling his kiss brought. I was cool with the hug, even the kisses on the cheek, but man... I dont know. And I don't even know what it was about it perse. It just made my skin crawl though. Seriously it felt like there was a worm in my mouth *shudder*I like Dan, but Im not attracted to him what so ever. In a lot of ways he's very immature and annoying. Like hes a great friend and I like spending time with him, but I dont like that he feels this big thing for me, esp. because its not reciprocated. I don;t know why Im not attracted to him, and I feel really shallow about it too... which makes the next thing thats been bothering me even harder to talk about.First term I had a huge crush on Travis. I thought that boy hung the moon the first few weeks I knew him, till he really hurt my feelings by comparing me to this ugly disgustingly fat girl,and using me for a size example, slowly what I thought of him deteriorated till it became what it is now, nothing shy of loathing. His excuse after was that he thought I was beautiful, that I was adorible, that I knew how to take care of myself, and that I was gorgeous, so being fat shouldn't matter. Tonight Tristin told me, when he first met me, he told her that he would have had a total crush on me, had I been thinner. Even now, not because I care about him, but because I hate myself so much, I feel it tearing apart the weak grasp I have on the sense of self Im working on. I feel like being distructive. And then tonight he was flirting with me and being all cuddly, and like looked at me after I said something and was all "I have this amazingly intense desire to kiss your cheek right now". Im just like... I dont even know. Im freaking out really because it just confirms it you know? No matter what I do, no matter who I am, if Im not thin it doesn't matter. And people wonder why I hate myself, why I punish myself for my imperfections.

xoxo SJ at 9:44 AM.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Its been awhile since my last update. I hate AOL, have now switched to cheapo People PC. *twrils fingers* Still haven't talked to Jay. Doubt she cares or notices.... that sounds bitter and jealous. And Im not. Seriously Im not. Don't scoff at me man. Ok so maybe Im a little hurt she didn't answer my emal... but whatever. If she's happy mo' betta. (Stealing that from Melissa).I, on the other hand, have no life. I go to school, do my homework, check my email, do more homework, skip Cultural Anthropology because the Professor is freaking stupid, form slight crush on my married Engish Prof, simply because he's brilliant and like my political arguments. Har. Like I have political arguments. Also spend large amounts of time with friends I don't really like... Actually thats not true, I love them (with the exception of Travis. I can't fucking stand him.) Im just sick of listening to everyones petty drama and bullshit. I plan on being out of here in two years, and theres really only one or two people Ill stay in contact with. Melissa and Lessy for two. But lately I feel Melissa pulling away from the group and it makes me really sad because... I dont know, it doesn't feel right without her I guess. But its like with Jay, if she's happy, Im happy for her, and if she's not happy then Im sadful and wish I could help.Schools ok, just burned out on everything, mostly its the drama which Im cutting out of my life, Les and I are planing our summer scheduals around eachother, we're both tired of being frump girls. Im burning my freaking Bugle Boy hoodie. I refuse to ever wear it again. I need to get dress slacks and add saftey pins to them. *nod* I have weird sense of fashion lately. Im moving back into my black phase even though its Spring. Har maybe thats why. Even though I give Trist shit about intergrating colour into her wardrobe. Must get a pair of kitty heels. I love them, there is a black pair at the mall that are blakc, single strap with a little bow. SO cute, Mrs. Widmire thinks I need to get the butterfly pair. ^_^ Shoes are my new obession. I have an adorible pair of flip flops (Must call them that because if I say Thongs people think panties), they have silky black butterflies on them. They're super comfy too.Im burning/coping CDs for Trisha, a late late Birthday present for her. Because Im just sweet like that. Theres like four she wants and two I mixed for her. ^_^ Ive been in the mood to mix CDs lately. Working on Jay's list actually. *nod* Ugh I need a cigarette. I hate that I quit smoking. Though lately I think Im going to have to give up going outside with everyone because Im hacking again and it really hurt tonight when it went on for ten minutes and I couldn't stop.Dan is coming to see me the 23, he's flying in from New York and staying at a place in Ontairo. I can't wait for him to meet everyone. I will have to take pictures and steal Trisha's scaner to upload them. Also can't wait to get my hair cut. I need it badly. It's driving me nuts man. *Makes face*We had Pizza tonight and I feel VERY fat. So I will end this because Im a loser ^_^ Don't know when Ill write again, leave me love, I need love damnit!

xoxo SJ at 2:43 AM.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Im in an insanely weird mood at the moment. More introsepctive and judgmental then I've been in awhile. Im sitting here thinking about everything thats happend since Friday and Ive come to the conculsion no one gives two shits. I mean honestly, its pathetic really. You pour you're heart out online, you live and die for this little world, and in the end its all text on a screen. It doesnt mean anything.But somehow it does. Somehow they mean more then the real words I hear everyday. Im angry with Trisha because she told me hat I felt for Jay, and Clare, and Shaun couldnt have been real, it was my excuse to love them and not have to deal with the physical part of it, the real part of it. And its such bullshit. Its not true I know that because I had realtionships in real life too. I had friends I had people I cared about, but obviously she thinks she can fucking psycho analyze me.Im angry with her, and annoyed, and right now I dont like her very much. And Im sick of reassuring people all the time, sick of making them happy, of helping them.Im sick of being there. Im sick of doing this. So from now on Im not going to. Because its fucking bullshit that Im supposed to talk to her, rely on her when she tries to finish my sentences and doesnt have a fucking clue what Im going to say.The only people who have ever known me well enough to know what Im going to say without me saying it are Shaun and Jay. Fuck Jaymie and I finish eachothers ideas half the time when we're outlining a story.In other news, I had an ok Easter. Wasn't as much fun as telling people last year my present was a six pack of beer and bubbles. But I really like my watch mom got me. I got a great pair of plaid pants too, and a shirt that says "Coca Cola" on it. They look adoribl together and a pair of butterfly flip flops, and this really yummy homemade chocolate buttercream egg. Picked Kimber and Tristen up from Kuna, took them back the dorms, we were goofy mom lauged a lot. Then as we were driving home she said "You know, You girls are different without Trisha, you're more at ease" and its true, because Trish is so caught up in her image and trying to be "mature" she cant be FUN. Its like shes so fucking judgemental of people who have things like nice clothes and expensive cars, and yet she preaches about acceptance. Its like "Everyone but people well off deserve exceptance" and its fucking bullshit. Shes a fucking hypocrite, and it really bothers me. Its like she doesnt want to work to be more then what she is, but she expects me to feel sorry for her when its not handed to her. Im sorry, Im not going to be anyones enabler anymore. I did it for to fucking long with Clare. Im not going to let anyone take advantage of me anymore.

xoxo SJ at 9:42 AM.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

I got a package from Dan today! *cheesey grin* He sent me DVDs of Shadowlands, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, a ton of Dashboard stuff, and a PHONE because last weekend when he called me, mine kept dying because I dont charge it enough. Silly rabbit. Anyway today was insanely busy, especially concidering I have like ONE class. Went to school, Math was a breeze, test tomorrow but Im not worried. I feel smart, I know all the stuff he's going over and I actually explained it to someone today. I felt all special and shit. Then went to Weese with Tristin, and Kimber after having this really deep coversation Sarah about Rape, Writing and her shithead ex. Caught up with Melissa she gave me a ride home, we hung out, I burned a CD for her, Im in love with PlanesMistakenForStars at the moment. *nod*Im going to bed, test tomorrow. Wish me luck

xoxo SJ at 2:41 AM.

Monday, April 05, 2004

I miss Jay. I haven't talked to her in a couple days and I just... miss her. I hate being this insanely busy. I never get to talk to Shaun Nate or Jay anymore. And it sucks fucking donkey dick.Friday went to Trisha's Travis worked himself into a panic attack, and in my personal opinon, its because he knew he'd get drugs. It fucking pisses me off, what pisses me off even more is that he like wanted me with him. Like I seriously think if I hadnt thrown my hands up in the air he'd have insisted I went to the hospital with him too. I refused though. So I staied with Trish and we watched the boysWhen he and Kimber got back, he was all hugging up on me and shit, thanking me for being there for him, for putting up with him. I just forced a smile and noddedI really wish I hadnt gone if you want the truth of it. I could have staied at home sleeping and working on my paper for Stockton. Fucking Rip Van Winkle and his fucking symbolism.Saturday I just crashed. I got home at like 2 in the afternoon and slept till like 7 or eight. Now its after 1 AM monday morning, I have to be up in five hours, Im exhusted and feel like shit. My whole body hurts. And I miss my Jaykins. Ugh I feel like Im a completely shitty friend. Im going to email her tomorrow afternoon between my breaks. I had every intention of calling her last week but she dodged the question when I brought it up. I miss Natey too. *sigh* I just... I know Im building this life for myself, but I want my friends who've been thereto be here now, to see it you know? To see what Im doing. And for once in really long time I am actually doing something with myself, shock shock horror. And once again Im bitching...I had a dream about Clare the other night. But I dont think it means anything. I hope it doesnt anyway. I cant deal with that shit on top of everything else *mental note to up Effexor dose tomorrow* I want paxil man. Or Zanx.Souther Bitch Scene with Trish tomorrow woo. Not. I love her to death but one she cant act and two shes fucking off. Ive put a lot of work into my character and she hadnt even read her shit twice. GRRRI hate people.But you still love me anyway right?

xoxo SJ at 9:39 AM.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Breakups have always been really painful for me. Im usually the one getting dumped, and if Im not, its usually really ugly and I end up with a bitter stalker.... somehow, Shaunie is the only non-bitter, completely consenual breakup I've ever had. Its weird to not feel my world falling apart after a realtionship. I still love him, and I think if we were together it would be different. Sort of like... right guy wrong time? Maybe when Im 30, we'll get married and have a litter of rug rats. Im such a nerd. Ugh my feet still fucking hurt, I have bleeding blisters! Im going to burn those fucking shoes... but they're so cute. I luff them. Bah! Damn my girl tendancies. I hate my math teacher, he's fucked the whole class up, so I don't feel quite so stupid, I went by the math lab and most of his enitre Math 65 class was in there!Tristens new obesssion is Patrick, hes actually kind of cute, I like the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Anyway, Hes so not into her, and everyone keeps trying to force them together. Its sick actually, it makes her look so sad and it's Travis' fault. Its like you cant MAKE someone like another person, you can't force them together and frankly, everyone thinks Patrick doesnt like her because shes so fucking immature. Bah I done bitching

xoxo SJ at 9:38 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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