SUPERNOVA*

Friday, May 24, 2002

Heartsick

I am exahusted. I've been picking fights with everyone and their dog lately. The vet still has Princess, we should know today when we get to pick her up, it might not be till monday or tuesday. Right now... I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Im so sick of everything. Im sick of not knowing who I can count on, of feeling shut off from everyone. Kenneths has turned me off guys. Its like every guy I meet... they *censored* with your head, break down your spirt, and then say things like "I’m gonna go over there, kick her door in and make her wish she had never been born, I’m really pissed off with her. Double crossing bitch can run but she can’t hide forever". (which of course he staunchly denies was me)
I keep trying to tell myself there was no abuse, he never hit me, but what abuse is worse then denying someone freedom to be who they are, what abuse is worse then making a woman live in fear of you.
Broken bones heal, the heart and mind never really do.
If he had just hit me... I could have fought back... but I cant fight this, this panic thats settled over me. Im scared, I am scared of him, of what he can do. Im scared to death that he will always be in my life and I will always look back and wonder if I should have just staied.
I ate half a piece of pizza last and then ran to the bathroom because my nerves are all jumbled. I cant deal with this. I dont want to eat and when I do I get sick. Theres no proof this way, they cant look at my arms and know Im hurting.
And then I think... who would I go to? Laura doesnt know how to take care of herself, she doesnt even know how shes paying rent next month, mom would ship me off, Charity thinks I should get over myself, and Gabi and Brit would kill themselves with worry. Who do I have thats not made of glass? that I wont shatter with the weight of my fear and pain?
And the real answer is no one. I am alone

xoxo SJ at 3:17 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James