SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, September 19, 2002

I have offical freaked fox out, which makes me feel awful. I hate upsetting her. Its like the worst thing in the world. She means so much to me. I seem to be upsetting a lot of people lately. Ris and I had a HUGE fight this morning. I wasnt very nice, I admit but.. jebus that boy pisses me off like no one I know!

I try to tell myself hes such a shit to me sometimes because he feels comfy showing all facets of his personality to me. But on a bad day when I already feel icky.... its so hard to take you know? He made me cry. He hates making me cry, he also doesnt like it when I call him a f*ckwit. Ahemm if the shoe fits wear it.

Maybe I am being unreasonable thinking he should stand up for me. Maybe just becuase I have taken a stand and stood my ground for him doesnt mean I deserve the same. He says she isnt worth it, but what it feels like hes saying is "YOU arent worth it" I know that isnt fair but thats how it feels.Latest update Satan and Christina had one of their stupid friends IM me and try to start crap. At first I thought it was my ex's ex-girlfriend Kaite {if you can follow that you get a cookie} It seemed like the sort of name she would have you know? Anyway when I figured out who she was and what she was doing I blocked her. But Im getting right sick of this shit.

I *could* go ot Tia, Annie, Kirst, Jer, and Tim, to come up with some wicked plan for revenge, but one, the gang approch isnt my style and two I dont LIKE being a bitch. Ris said "Dont be horrid, I dont like it when your horrid" I think he feels that way because Im never horrid so the fact that YES I know how to be a bitch, and I KNOW how to get what I want the mean way scares him. Im not the type.

Fox wants to kill him. She is really sick of me being upset over him... I guess.. I dont know... grr I feel weak. Like I should be able to control this you know? He admits he relies heavily on me, he admits sometimes it can be to much, but I dont want to change it. I LIKE the way we are.... I like that he comes to me, I like that he needs me, I like that I make him smile, and help him when hes havng a rough time.

Anyway new subject I got to talk to Shara today!! I was so happy! I waited around most of the morning after I got up*coughnoon* for her but I think we kept missing eachother. Bummer, but then tonight we both logged on! We talked for hmm I dunno almost an hour, this woman amazes me, shes come through so much and is continuing to try to live her life. She has a strength I dont think she knows is there. There are times when I read her journal or in our conversation that Im like "Good Lord is she in my head?!" She paints, hehe I want to be a painter but uuuhh all I can paint is drips.

I talked to Nicole too, shes awsome. LoL She was asking how much of her journal I read.... ummmm the last two entries! Opps! LoL Im working my way back tho! Oh boy, shes a lot like me too... only me before I got help, which thou the last few days hasnt been evidant I AM seeing a very good doctor, hes in Germany, or Poland or Sweeden, I forget where all his vacation was taking him. I thought it sounded so cool tho. Touring Europe on his Motorcycle. >_<

Umm I think I just compared myself to Hitler... o.0 this is what lack of sleep does to my brain. I think I was trying to make a point and failed miserably OPPS

o0 Mizu Chan 0o: meh not really just one of those things... I think I love him to much sometimes
Fox: erg... tristan again?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: lol who else?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Maybe I am being unreasonable thinking he should stand up for me. Maybe just becuase I have taken a stand and stood my ground for him doesnt mean I deserve the same. He says she isnt worth it, but what it feels like hes saying is "YOU arent worth it" I know that isnt fair but thats how it feels.
Fox: oh, p~shaw... it has nothing to do with you deserving... cuz you deserve all this world has to give...
Fox: second, he night not want conflict...
Fox: *might
Fox: and that's it...
Fox: or he really IS chicken shit
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: he IS chicken shit
Fox: but you're deserving anything doesn't come into question
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: it feels that way sometimes tho
Fox: lol you know what? for the longest time i was convinced that i didn't deserve to be with rei...
Fox: i lucked out...
Fox: but no...
Fox: it isn't like that...
Fox: people don't ever deserve bad things to happen to them...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: ::sigh::
Fox: just like they don't NOT deserve good things...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: what about Hitler, Stalin, and Musaleni?
Fox: what about them?
Fox: they weren't always twisted
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: the point IS they were bad people and deserved bad things to happen to them
Fox: hitler was bitter
Fox: no...
Fox: abby, you're wrong...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: hey now there isnt anything WRONG with bitter people
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Im bitter.
Fox: no one deserves bad things to happen to them... and i would hardly compare you to any of those crazy dictaors anyway...
Fox: no but hitler
Fox: fed on his bitterness
Fox: and made others do the same
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: he was a closet gay.
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: seriously
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: anyway I was *trying* to make a point
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: and I faild miserably
Fox: lol tell eva braun that
Fox: i see...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: hullo? have you never heard of a beard?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: Lots of gay men use wives/girlfriends as a cover
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: my best friend in 5th grade's dad did
Fox: lol really now?
Fox: well, anyway...
Fox: hitler's sexuality is even less of an issue here...
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: lol I know i was trying to distract you
Fox: lol and failed miserably?
o0 Mizu Chan 0o: yes! grr lol

And that is how Hitler and I tie in the the same conversation.... I TOLD you I needed sleep and thearpy!

xoxo SJ at 5:27 PM.

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Name ♥ Sara
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