SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Long Entry Wee!

I just got done talking to Mom... you know its the first time in months we've really talked... I mean where I felt she actually listened and heard what i was saying, and even if I couldnt walk away with answers I could walk away feeling understood.... What is it you may ask my lovely mother and I tlaked about? My writing. For a very long time now... even before I left at Poetgirl16 I was scared to death to lose my talent. I have for a very long know that to create I had to be suffering. I had to be in pain, out of my mind, scared, sick... God had given me a gift, the pirce is that I must suffer to use it... he has made me the gift of suffering.

I hadnt writen anything in months... nothing it was all.. CRAP... just mush nothing tangable, nothing realy, just fluff, then the other night with Tristan, the worry the pain, the sick, the words flowed form me, spilled forth in a very poetic motion, and I relised that without hte gift of suffering my talent is nothing more then a flicker in the wind. you have to understand for the last four years... writing is the thing that has saved me... tho.. did it really? Or was it cursing me, was I looking for reasons to suffer though the pain... being a writer is who i am. How could I be a writer if I didnt suffer... I am troubled by this.

I wonder... does it really stop here? Does it really end now? At 17 before I'd started? Before my first book, before I became a voice for the pained youth of a nation? Before I could tell the world of its evils and pains of being the perfect one, of never messureing up... before I could speak out to girls who suffer as I did, beofre I could make a differance.... is it really over?

I am secure now... I have so many tride and true friends, and a beautiful amazing serogate in Momma, I have Kirsten, and Miriam, Tiff... and all my other little Kiwis... I have Fox and Cally, Rei and Trist. I have Jesise... and just so many people... Gabi and B.. Mina... all who love nad trust me, and with there love and trust the gift of suffering was lifted.... when it was lifted, my will to die was lifed, and when that was gone... all that remained are hte notebooks ot edit... the spelling to correct... reading old poems used to ignight a fire in me that could burn till god knows when... now they bring a tear and are put away.

Ive tired my hand a fiction.. but again... suffering is writing, I started a story about a girl, in a place she didnt belong, didnt need to be, and a love that carried her way, I will have to post it sometime. Its a short story I thought Id make into a long one, but once the end came I couldnt get back in, it was all to much, but in writing the story of this abusded girl I found myself reliving so many hateful things in my past, one part, the fight scene nearly killed me, I was plae as a sheet and twice as shakey, I slpet for 20 stright hours when I finished that part. Just curled up in a little ball and wept till I couldnt anymore...

EDIT
My serogate {what I call Sonya who totally mothers me ;-) love you momma} Was talking about suffering beng the easy muse.. the easy way... and in a way shes right... and Im also to hard on myself.. but its like god... just once you know? To not suffer for my gift and be able to write... ::sigh:: Annie once told me I could make pain shocking and beautiful... but now... well... yea. Im a little depressed today... nothing horrible or vile just like down you know? Gah I hate being broke its the most annoying thing in the whole frigging word >_< ARG! I wish Kirsten hadnt talked me into going back to Kiwi. I cant frigging stand Missy. Its driving me nuts. She's subbied to my journals and showing people what I write which right pisses me off. Its like... ok.. these people dont even know about my journal there you know? They dont know what write, I write it for my friends there that miss me and are worried for me. Its a place to vent, and she goes and shows people..and yes I know being angry about this is STUPID... I dont care ::pouts::Im so tired right now... I was up till oneish *trying* to write, and I got nuttin, but Im feeling a *little* inspired.... only a little... anyway Chris thinks that if I just let it simmer everything will be fine... I however do not believe this... me and my need for my own opion! Damn nonconmormist streak! o.0I WANT A CIGGIE DAMN IT.

xoxo SJ at 5:03 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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