SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, September 21, 2002

The Pain

Im so cold... so cold. Im shaking. Or its the pain talking. It could be the pain talking. I dunno I know it hurts like a mofo. I can hardly type. Rei and I were arguing.. he seemed dead set on putting me in my place. I think he.. I dont know. I know he doesnt understand how I can contradic myself. I say I take care of people. That I want to save everyone and everything, but in the same breath that I dont need saving. I dont need saving because... Fox is the first person to ever be so devotred to me she would try. I love Kirsten and all my Kiwibox friends, but I think in the end they didnt know how to help me anymore. I was really just scary and that was the end of it. They did all they could but... well in the end it just didnt work out that way did it?
Sometimes I think people call me strong, for the sake of having a role modle they can hold up. I dont want to be put on a pedistle. Its to high, and Im scared of hights. I dont understand how anyone could want to be like me at all. Im weak, and sappy, and over emotinal. I put myself in bad situations and continually hurt people I love by hurting myself. And they call me strong? How am I strong? Im nothing, Im nobody. Im dirty and my halo a tarnished silver. Im not strong, Im a coward. I hide my real feelings, the real me behind this mask of sugar sweet pep thats enough to turn Kathy Lee and Martha Stwart's stomaches. I am what every mother wants her daughter to be and what every father wants his son to marry. Though boys dont notice me as more then a chum or a little sister.

Ive watched people I love slip into the underword of drugs and hooking. People I loved more then life. I myself have been on occasion known to take pills. Though Ive always said its more to lose weight because Im horribly fat and ugly then to get high. Sometimes I felt like I couldnt go on without it... sometimes I felt like i was a weka bitch for needing it. Sometimes I threw them away and sat for hours rocking myself because I hurt so much.

I still hurt but no one sees, no one cares. The hoodies are back out, but they take at face value that Im "ok". That Im taking care of myself, eating as I should, living as a good girl would. They take for granted Im the angel they always knew I was. But inside... inside there is a crushing pain, inside I hate what I am. Inside Im dying, just a little more every day. Inside Im not really living but Ive been dead for such a long time Im not sure it matters. Inside Im not pretty.
I love him. I will always love him. I cant have him. He doesnt want me. So be it. But.. she is suposed to be my friend. She is suposed to know... she does know, Ive told her so many times, thats what hurts more then anything, all the times Ive told her how much I loved him and shes still flirting with him, she doesnt love him, she thinks its a game, but to him its real, to him its more then real.... And its killing me.... I keep telling myself I should just leave, that everyone will be better off if I leave, but... well it hurts to think of leaving. Ive worked so hard... and Im going to throw it away for this...My pain.

xoxo SJ at 11:44 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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♥ Wazoo Sings
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