SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit and I wonder.... just wonder random things run through my mind... Mum says I think to much, Im inclined to agree as of late. I miss being able to just... be but it seems lately everything is so... BIG, and sadly I never seem to know how to make it unbig.
Like this thing with Christina? Started with me looking out for someone I truely and deeply care about, trying to help a friend, now I have... this horrid awful person after me ALL the time. All because I care.

Ris and I are fighting, or... not talking, with walls and boundries and hurts between us I dont know that we can EVER fix. I love this kid with my whole heart. Not... in like the average teenage crush way, like I seriously love this kid. I love the way he thinks, the way he puts ideas together, his inane fear of hurting me and letting me be close, I love what be brings to my life, and the sadness that he seemed to take away when we became close... and I think all of that is gone now.

All this time.. Ive cared and tried to take care of him from where I am, not only pysically but mentally too, I am an affectionate person, I am the type of person who hugs her friends, and has been known on occasion to kiss a girl-friend hullo. Its how I am, not only that but how my friends are. Its how we are, its like... I would be so offended if I saw one of them and didnt get a hug, we never hesitate to say "I love you" Becuase no matter the meaning sometimes you just need to know your loved.

I used to be this way with Tristan. He would come to me, hurt, wounded, suicidle, over Ally. Saying he wasnt worth anything, that he didnt mean anything, that he was nothing, that there was no point in going on. Before I wouldnt have thought two seconds about saying "Tris I love you so much and I wish I could make this better, let me help you", and then start listing off the amazing things about him, like what he brings to my life, like the way I can trust him, like his amazing talent for avoiding confict at al cost, the way he draws, and the way he writes.

Before I could do that... but... now? I mean.. all of a sudden there are these walls, these huge ugly hateful walls. I dont know whats ok and whats not. I dont know if what I say is going to scare him or make him angry, I dont know if hes going to understand, when before I just took for granted he KNEW... knew how I felt, knew what he meant... i hate boundries.

I think about Cody too... I know the only reason Im with him is because... well... hes cute and a good kisser. But a good kisser does not a realtionship make. I needed someone to touch, to hold hands with, someone to hold me, someone to make me feel beautiful and feminine.... I needed someone to.. I dont know... I needed to feel the love im giving out being given back

The problem is, I tired to tell myself "I want you" meant the same thing as "I love you". In my naive 17 year old mind its very possible they mean hte same thing, in my heart, which seems much older then 17 I know its not true, not real, not anything.... which makes me sad that Cody really is just a pot head cowboy who knows how to kiss and looks great in a pair of wranglers.
Fox made me think... and I hate thinking becuase when I think I really relise how much trouble my non-thinking gets me into. If I dont end this with Cody, Ill be hurt more then I already am. I am one of those girls that would be stupid enough to fall in love when she started out toying with a cute cowboy.

I need more.. I need someone that isnt going to just be able to kiss me... I need someone thats going to stimulate my mind body and soul. I need someone I can TALK to. I think people my age dont know what the hell talking really is. Its sad too coz talking is such a great thing. I dont mean bullshit talk, I mean REALLY talking, really commuincating, finding a new facet of a person by the time your done.... that happens so rarely anymore.. But thats what I need... more importantly its what I want.

Im listening to country right now, that could be why Im being so "emotinaly refective" as Di would say. Its her nice way of telling me to stop thinking about it and get my cute butt out into the real world.... Ive made steps to detache myself from my "net" life. Im pretty sure I got that job, I mean Kim was the one who told Mom to have me come in, but I wont know for sure till Monday. Classes start soon, Im ready to go back I think... I need to, need to get away, be with my "peers" again, Lets face it, they are all at least 19+ but whatever I'll live. In someways it might be easier, I mean... I never got along with people my age anyway....

Thats one thing Tristan and I talked about. Ally lied to him about how old she was. She told him she was 18, shes hardly 16. He didnt want to see it when they were together, but he has spent a lot of time with my and my Foxie and Cal. He sees now how immature she is, and how *real* 17+ girls act. I mean Fox and Cal are both 18 I think, and Im 17 going on 50 according to everyone I know.

I think though, I amaze Tristan how immature I can be. How... like things that you would think wouldnt bother a "mature" person really bother me. Like the fact the world isnt fair. I KNOW its not logical, but I think the world SHOULD be a fair place.... I dont think it *is* but.. we should so look into it.

He told me again the other night I should be "doing somthing" with my talent. Frankly I dont know that I HAVE any. According to people Ive shown my work to its unstructured, inpassioned and full of gramical errors.... but then.... People like Shara, Fox, Cally, and Tristan tell me how beautifully I write..... It confuses me

Nialle once told me s/he'd jump on me if I never said I had no talent again..... god... thats the first time Ive talked about Nialle in a long time... I think its easier not to talk about or think about or deal with the regection I felt, sticktly from a friends view point when Nia started slipping away... I try to talk to B about it but her basic responce is "He did the same thing to me"
I know that she feels that way, and everyone tells me Im no sepcial case... but.. well the thing is, I really thought I was differnt, unless Nialle goes around telling everyone that they are the only people she can talk to, then I was differnt... I actually believe Im just like everyone else, and just caught her at weak moments when she needed someone... i havent really talked to Shim in.... god almost three months. I mean we say hi... but thats about it... it used to make me sad.. but then I got so caught up in Ris and what he needed that I pushed it away... maybe thats why I did it... becauses I needed someone to give that love and time to... its like... He was the cure, but what to do when the cure becomes the desease... no... Ris isnt a deisease... but... well you know what I mean right?

I havent been to bed yet... its 6:12... I was going to go to work with mom but... I doubt it. Anyway Im off... love you all heaps.

xoxo SJ at 7:23 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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