SUPERNOVA*

Monday, September 23, 2002

Tired and Grumpy

I didnt write yesterday did I? Jebus... I dunno... Im hurtin bad. Things have gotten really out of hand again, and Im feeling this huge urge to just give up and quit trying to help people. I mean... it isnt fair the way things happen you know? It isnt right....

Tristan and I arent talking, apparently I dont know him, I never did and hes shutting everyone out. He read this journal, and got really mad at me, I supose its his right, it doesnt really paint a pretty picture of him. The worst part is Ive hurt him more then I think Ally ever did. And in all honesty I was trying to avoid that. I never wanted to hurt him, ever. That was like.. the furthest thing from my mind, the whole time I thought I was protecting him... I guess I was just building up to this inevitable blowup and it hurts. I was so scared to tell him how I was feeling about life in general, because I thought I would lose him, so I didnt, I shut it all up inside me, but in the end I lost him anyway.

Missy is trying to start shit again. She's reading this journal I have on Kiwi and sending it to people and making me generaly feel like hell. The problem is she has her facts mixed up, shes telling them the wrong days, wrong things and in general lying. Then she makes this big long ass entry about how Im a bitch and I backstabbed her which isnt even what happend but whatever, if people choose to believe her then fuck um coz I dont need this shit. I mean its not worth it to hurt myself over that bitch. But at the sametime Im feeling pretty insecure right now with most of my realtionships becuase of the way things turned out with Tristan.

Mom and I went shopping today. I always go shopping when Im really upset. I just have to get out of the house and even if its just like a new lipstick I have to buy something. I totally did great tonight thou. We went to the mall and I got two new pairs of shoes, a new long sleave skaterish top with a glitter star on the front, and a pleather jacket. Im going through a preppy/punk phase. LoL I have to look preppish when I go into read with the kids, but after hours and on weekends its all about being anti-prep. I cant stand most preppy girls... Missy is the quintessential {sp?} Preppy Cheerleading Bitch. But according to Zack shes just a reagular ol' bitchy bitch. I dunno though, Zack would never out and out say it to her... I kinda wonder if he wasnt playing both ends.

My cousin Charity is moving in thursday, she'll get Gram's old room, WITH the master bath, dont think my nose isnt slightly out of joint at having to give that up. I LIKE having my own bathroom. I keep it neat and tidy just the way I like it, I have my candles and all my bath stuff just how I want it, and now Im being booted to the normal bathroom which is totally ewwie coz its Mums job to keep it clean and its SMALL. She likes it, but its hardly got room for us. I cant stand it. The only downside to the M.B. is it has carpet not tile so I have to vaccum it... like all the time. Its a bit ick.

My back and leg are killing me. And before Shar can start on me, Im going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I think I might have pinchted a nerve.... Bryan was talking to me online tonight... oh boy. I mean I thought you know.. we had just stopped talking and that was it and I was ok with that, I wasnt really sure how I felt about him in general. Then tonight he IMs me and we start talking and Im just like "I really dont need or want any crap tonight." and then hes like "Ok, so whats going on" or something, so I told him about Daivd, and I told him about Missy and I told him about not feeling good and just in general life sucking.

He was like "Ok hold on Im going to call you" so he DID. And I was amazed we talked from like 10-12 or so, and it was a really nice conversation. Hes convenced hes still in love with me and wants to take care of me and a bunch of other things, and was really nice, like concerened and stuff... sometimes.. I dunno its like hard to remember why we didnt work out in the first place.
For those that dont know, I dated Bry last winter. He was a very big part of my life. A very big controling underminding, hurtful part of my life. I had a friend who finally convenced me it was for the best to end it so I did. Then this summer I start getting calls from him, and letters telling me how much he loves me and how he misses me. I was scared to death to be close to him, to let him back in, so I put up walls, hedhurt me once and no matter how he apologized I believed he would do it again, and its been that way up untill tonight and now.. I dont know. I dont know that I can ever BE with him.. but I think we should be friends... but then I remember the parts of him that hurt me and I think I should be running as far and fast as I can.

David hasnt called again..... some part of me feels guilty, but I really dont understand what he was trying to prove. I mean... did he really think having his little girlfriend call me would make a diffence? Make me jealous? Make me want to be with him? It did exactly the opposite. It made me really angry at him for taking advantage of this child, and for taking advantage of me and then being a shit when he didnt like what I had to say. For a long time I was the one to deal with his shit. I looked after him, I watched over him, dealt with his suicide threats and picked upthe pieces when Kate would hurt him. I did all of that for him before we dated, and again when we finally were cool after our breakup. All the time dealing with Jessies problems coz i love that girl, worring Fox would get sick of me, trying to help everyone else, and on top of it all dealing with J drug addiction and my OWN shit. My own shit was always last and I kept waiting for time when I would be taken care of, but it never came, it never happend. At least not with David.

Ive never been taken care of by the people that I take care of. Like Fox doesnt want to rely on me for her own reasons, but I worry that in relying so heavily on her she will get sick of me and leave me. Part of me knows it isnt true, but there is this ugly hateful thing in me that says "your not worthy" and its hard. Very Very hard. I always thought, it would be easier to admit my weakness if the person I admited them to, not only needed me, but helped me too. That there wouldnt be the fear of "Im to much" or "He only needs me because I take care of him".....

xoxo SJ at 8:47 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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