SUPERNOVA*

Friday, February 28, 2003

Blerg

Ok so I got in from work about a half hour ago. I didnt even know I was suposed to be there! I was all dolled up ready to hit the town with Trin and Amy calls
"can you come in early"
"Early? I thought I wasnt suposed to work"
"Didn't barbra call you?"
"Nooo"
"You're schedualed from 7-10, but can you be here asap?"
So there went my wild night. I got dressed as fast as possible, threw my pretty hair back in a sloppy ponytail and went to work. I got there at like 6:15, she called me at like 5 after and it takes five minutes to drive from my house to the store.

So I got there and DJ looks at me. "You were going out?""Yea""thats the first time I've ever seen you wear makeup, you should more often""Um.. thanks?"

THEN he ask about Tristan."we broke up""what?! Why?""He fell out of love I supose""Oh... I dont believe in love"*shrugs*"I thought I did. Ive lost my faith""There are other fish in the sea""Sure for pretty girls, Im not that sort of girl""O... your just like the best friend right?""right"

Then Trinity came in and was tripping off her ass. GRR! She took two high energy pills (whateve I bet it was meth) a muscle relaxer, and then a 800mg of motron. Firstly mixing meds can kill you and secondly she was driving! I was so pissed off, not just because she expected me to get in teh car with her (she ended up blowing me off to take Tara to Matts so Tara could drink -_-) but she was driving herself around! If the stupid mixing doesnt kill her she could go off the fucking road.

Then James, Matt, Tara, and three other people came in, James was so stoned and was such an ass. I wanted to kick him in the balls. He looked so good though... even stoned. And Kristy came in, stoned, (Grrr) and she and Trinity were shooting eachother hate bomb looks. I hate it when they do that. Trin gets so screwed up over Kristy its not even funny. I think she seriously believes she loves Krist, but its more like an obsession, a sick obsession. And she does stupid things, and one day Kristy will use her all up because thats all she does, when she wants something she and Trin are close, when she doesnt and has a boyfriend to "fufill her needs" she drops Trin like a bad habbit. Not that its any of my bussiness, but it does make me worry.

I talked to Nialle again today. About everything thats going on. In my last not to hir I asked "when the bad days out number the good, isnt it sort of hard to still care?" (because thats what tristan basicly told me.) And her answer was no because I was trying to change, I was trying to fix it, and the thing I have to learn is I dont have to save people to be a worthwild person, and even if I wasnt a person who interested hir (there were other adjitives in there as well) s-he wouldn't give up on me simply because s-he doesn't like givng up on anyone.

I used to think, if I could just stop one person from hurting, one tear from falling, my life wouldnt have been for nothing, it would have meaning, no matter what I did, or where I went, if I was doing good, helping people, then I meant something.

But Ive lost my faith. In God, in people, but more so in myself. I've lost the knowledge I am a good person, trying to do good things... Ive lost faith in my ablity to help those in need, in my intintions, Good intentions dont save people, it doesn't help them. Maybe I haven't helped anyone, look at Jessie, shortly after I was most involved in her life she ended up in a mental hospital, B hates me, Tristan turned his back on me, Coal will never see that he is a worth wild person, Ang(who you dont know) is still trying earn acceptance through sex, And when I look at it, WHO am I helping? Who am I saving from pain, who am I helping cope? Who's tears am I stopping?

And Jay was partly right... I did used to believe if someone needed me they wouldn't walk away. I know now that isn't right. Maybe I do hender more then I help. Maybe I do more harm then good in trying. Maybe I am a misery junkie. A spiteful bitter twisted insecure little girl.... maybe all my life has been a lie.

xoxo SJ at 3:16 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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