SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Donny is going through such a hard time right now. I feel like a bad lil buddy. I mean... we talk right? He doesnt shut me out, and I dont hide from him. We are very much the same person in a lot of ways. So that I can't, litterally can't help him right now makes me feel worse. He needs someone... but... I just.. dont have the energy right now. Im so burt out. The whole experance of the last few days has worn me out. Im sure not sleeping, eating, or allowing myself time doesnt help much. Its pretty pathetic when you friends/family call and tell you that they sure hope you dont look as bad as you sound.

Broken seems to be a term Im using a lot lately. Broken hearts, broken blades, broken wings, broken dreams. (ok that gives me an idea for a poem) Just broken. I feel broken, malfunctioning, out of service. I can't stop thinking about him... about the mornings we would spend together. The way I would walk around the rest of the day smiling, or really that I would go back to bed to grab a little more sleep and curl myself in my blankets with my thoughts of him keeping me warm.

I wrote a story... I never showed him, ever showed anyone. It was just a short piece, really more of a naritive dream I had. About us, lying in bed, talking, watching snow or rain or something, tender touches, gentle love words... it was all there. It was something I wanted to remember, forever.

Nialle and Gabi say Im to intense, I probably am. I cant help it. Im a writer, I feel things passionatly. Love, hate, happiness, misery, I try... but very rarely is there a happy middle ground. Perhaps it was to much for him. He is not happy, nor contented on his own...
There are so many things I could say, things he told me, promises... then only thing I ever wanted was for him to love me, because she hurt him, after one mistake he turns me out....
I know its stupid, Rei keeps telling me, but... I cant be with him and not be with him. Thinking of him with someone else, giving himself to someone else... it tears me apart, if I were to go back to that... it was like, he didnt want to be with me, but when I talked about someone else he was cold, distant.

If we slip back, he will shut me out. He is so cold now.. so distant... Im not speaking ot him... I dont know if hes ok, if he needs something... though Im sure his ex will see to it.... god thats not nice. I shouldny be like that... it just hurts so much. It all hurts so much. SO much sometimes I think I will just collaps from the pain

xoxo SJ at 5:00 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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