SUPERNOVA*

Monday, February 17, 2003

Empty

I dont have a lot to say really... I haven't been online all that much since it happend... someone told me he's talking to his ex again. *shrug* If thats what makes him happy... I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy.
Its not that hes a bad person, or that he meant to hurt me, thats not it at all. Im just... and idiot. I dont deal well with... things. So I avoid them, untill they blow up, I do that a lot, so it seems like my life is in a constant state of drama, that I look for it, but I really dont. Its not like I enjoy this you know?
Right now... stiches.... hurt. *sigh* I am a very bad person. I hurt him, and it kills me, so I hurt myself, but it doesnt make the pain stop. It doesn't change that he doesnt want to be with me... but it ist salt in the wounds hes talking to her again... but its not my place anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking I belonged in his life.
I dont sleep... I mean I never really slept, but I dont sleep at all anymore. I close my eyes and hes there, and I ach for him. He haunts me. Even in my dreams... sadonic dreams, about being with him... its a reacuring dream, we're laying together, watching rain pelt against the window, and I look away for just a moment and when I look back hes gone.... No need to tell you where my mind is.
Rei says I just have to wait it out... I dont know that I can do that.. I dont know that Im strong enough to get through this. I dont know, that I know how to live without him. Before him... I didnt live, I existed, I drifted through life believeing that there was nothing more then what I was doing.. and then suddenly when I had him, everything changed. There was no want, no need, that he didnt completely fill just by being there, just by breathing. Just the thought of him, was reason to go through the day.
But now thats changed,and Im drifting again. Mark came by last night, brought me a pack of ciggies (love you Markie!!) We sat outside watching the rain for a long time talking. He told me I looked like shit. Which is sad, because my boss said the same thing and sent me home early. I dont remember much about last night, except what Marke said just before he left.
Me-Call me when you get home
Him-Its three minuets
Me-A lot can happen in three minutes
Him-Sara, you are wonderful and beautiful. You care about people, and look after them, If he cant over look the fact that you flirt, which by the way is one of the cutest things about you, then hes not the one, and I think that the reason this hurts so much is because you thought he was. Tristan isnt the last man you are ever going to love.
Then he patted my head and left. He's a great guy. Hes not Tristan though... I think that is like.. every guy I come into contact with is compared to him. They all fall short somehow. Not right, not what I want... when I was with Tristan, its like all the things I loved about guys, everything I loved about people, that I loved about life, was incompassed in this ONE person, and it made putting up with the tempers, and the distance, and the way he was never really sure... it made it worth it because I thought with time.... I guess I thought with time he would come to be sure about me. That I wasnt like his ex, that I only wanted to be with him, that I would die for him, that I would spend the rest of my life loving him if he would let me.... I told Rei once "I could spend the rest of eternity in those eyes, kissing those lips."
So it goes.

xoxo SJ at 11:58 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James