SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Moon Goddess

Last night started out ok. Chris, Rei and I agreed not to talk about Tristan, not to think about it, and I was not to cry all night because I leave for my trip tomorrow and I want to be in the right state of mind to deal with my mother and cousin for 7 hours in the car, and if Im crying at the drop of a hat then... well thenn Im basicly fucked.

Anyway, somehow, as it always does, the conversation turned to Tristan. I dont even remember what we were talking about, its weird but in every coversation there is a reminder. There is a link to him. But the important part of the conversation came just before Chris left, I was in tears and just a mess.

Me- Do you think Im an idiot for loving him?
Chis- No I think hes an idiot for leaving you.
Me- Really?
Chris- Yes.
Me- You do wonders for a girls self esteam.
Chris- I only speak the truth.
Me- You are my shining star you know, one of the few birght spots in my life.
Chris- Ai Abby my little moon goddess
Me-Moon goddess?
Chris- Ya see, the moon goddess is increadibly beautiful but sad, Talented, beautiful, but so sad, like you, my Moon Goddess.

So then he had to go and I was crying again and I dont know. Ive been a mess the last few days. Chris and Rei have been so amazing. So kind and tender, and dead set in the belief I will find happiness again. Thats where the shining star thing came from.

I dont know. I dont know anything anymore. Im taking a few days. Going to Bend with Charity and Mom. Originally I was going to try and stay home. I couldnt... I couldnt stand the thought of being away from him, even three days. I had no idea how we would survive the last weekend in March when he was going to be off LARPing.... sees so strange now... it hurts so much now.

Fox thinks not being his friend is a mistake, and selfish... but I cant... I cant love him, knowing he doesnt love me, and do the things I did before. Before it was easy, He would never love me... but then he did... and then he regretted it and took everything back, without a backwards glance.He says hes not turning his back on me, but he is. While he wants the friendship, he threw away the love. The mornings we spent together, the times in which i really saw him. All of him.

I face the fact, I will never love without the pain of what I went through for him with him, I will never love. Not because I cant, but because I wont. Its not worth it to love and hurt like this. Its time to face facts and grow up. Mark is right, Tristan doesnt have to be the last man I ever love, but because I refuse to open myself up, he will be the last man I ever tell.

xoxo SJ at 2:07 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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