SUPERNOVA*

Monday, February 24, 2003

The Pain

For all my talk of leaving, for all the pain of him ending it, I couldn't truely accept it was over till just a little bit ago. There is a moment, when the finality of a breakup becomes very real, for some people it happens right away, for some of us love sick idiots, we are foolish enough to believe they will chase after us, realizing they cant live their lives without us... and when the moment finally comes, it is more traumatic then the original break up ever was. I feel the walls he tore down going back up. I feel it and its killing me, Im sofficating. I spent so much of the last six months living for him. I love him for all the right reasons, hes just the wrong one. I love that hes gentle, and kind, that he was honest, and funny, that I could see him at his worst and still find the spark I love. But somehow in loving him so completly I lost who I am.

I dont have anything but my pride left. And he hurt me, he hurt me bad. And I cant just be his friend, before, when we were just friends, everytime I talked to him, somewhere in the back of my mind there was this... part of me, pulling at me, telling me for all I would ever be I would never be the one he wanted. And without that I felt like I was nothing. That I was no one and never would be. He was the one thing I thought I would always love and never have, and before I could handle that, I could deal with that... but the moment he told me he loved me, he pushed that belief out, for the first time, I felt truely whole, like nothing could touch me.

When he broke up with me, when he... he took that away. The part of me that said "Maybe... maybe you aren't a nothing nobody after all." He says hes not turning his back on me, but he is. He is in so many ways. With him saying "I dont want to be with you" he's saying "I dont love you, nothing we had was real, and you aren't good enough." When he says "Youre the one walking away" what hes really saying is "You are being selfish because you cant accept this" When he says "You are more like Ally then you think" he's saying "You are someone I could never really care about because you are vapid shallow and mean." When he broke up with me, its like he forgot everything I went through to be with him.

For weeks, these girls, horrible mean girls, sent me emails, messages, and tagged my journals with hurtful hateful things. They read my journals, blasted my secrets everywhere, and generally made my life hell. I couldnt take it, in that time I thought bad thoughts and shrouded myself against them, burrying the pain so deep inside me it knoted in my belly. I comforted him those first weeks when he was so insecure, so scared, so unsure.... when I asked for a little of the same, a little show of affection... it was to much, he would fly off the handle. So I wonder now if he ever loved me, or if I was more of a nurse maid for the emotinally crippled....

And still, despite his flaws, despite the pain hes caused, despite everything, if he came to me, if he said "I can't live without you, let me love you again" I would let him back in. I would open my arms, heart, and soul to him. And I would love him so completely, it would make the moon and stars pale in comparison.

xoxo SJ at 3:10 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James