SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Self Serving

It hurts so much sometimes I think I'll die... apparently I am a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring, misery junkie, who inflicts her pain on everyone she loves. I have become everything I despise. I have become a love sick, pittiful ugly person. I hate who I am.

And yet... I don't know how to change. I don't know how to make the pain, paranoia and fear stop. I don't know how to change... but it should be so easy shouldn't it? Just stop being who you are? Just up and drop the persona you've carried your whole life...

I dont know how to be anyone but who I am.... and who I am isn't good. Who I am is damaged goods.... *runs off to write that down for future referance.* Everyone thinks Im ok... and the people who know Im not are sick of me not being ok. "Get over it already" "Dont do it half assed" "Move on Abby, its over" I've scared Gabi... and it infurates Chris when I get like this.
And yet... I dont know how to stop. I dont know how to not hurt, to truely push it away. I dont know how to really become free of the emotinal pain, restraints. I dont know how to live this life, without my bitter jaded pain to shroud me.

Do you supose, in taking five valium I could, before my heart stopped hail mary my way back into heaven? Ive already seen to much of hell, and Im doing no one any good living. At least if I was gone Mum wouldnt be in debt anymore. Wouldn't have to help me through college, wouldnt have the restriant of knowing her only child is a fuck up - a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring, misery junkie, who inflicts her pain on everyone she loves.

xoxo SJ at 3:11 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James