SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, March 30, 2003

glarp

The following are mostly thoughts I voiced to Laura night before last. Ive been so busy lately... blah.
I remember thinking I would never love anyone as much as I loved Tristan... but when I think about it... there were no plans, no living past the moment, I never knew... Kenneth and I dont fight, like ever, its calm and rational, when I told him why I quit role playing, he told me that wheather i flirted or not, at the end of the day he knew he was the one I was with and that was what mattered. I look back now.... Tristan never loved me as much as he loved Ally, or hell even as much as he loved his board. I was a comfort thing. I was so caught up in that moment, in having this thing Id dreamed of...But thats not what realtionships are meant to be is it?
I think he didnt want to share me, not because he loved me, but because no one else would take his shit and think it was something they had done. No one else would look at him and say the bad things make me love you more. Not at that moment anyway. I think it was fear if he didnt I would walk away.... and I think deep down I know I would have.... eventually, or died.... or maybe walked away and shut myself off which is worse then dying.
It wasnt that I didnt know him, I did, I knew him better then maybe he knew himself, I just didnt know myself, and it was like.... him saying he loved me, was like dangling a steak in front of a starving beaten dog you know? I blinded myself to the consicunce because i needed to believe.
What Tristan did, the things he said, the way we were, makes me question everything about Kenneth, it makes me wonder when Im going to screw it up, when Im going to lose it, I dont have to deal with Tristan anymore, but the scars being with him, -not just in that month, but having him in my life- left on my heart, are there everyday. Everytime Kenneth tells me he loves me, I have to bite my tounge from asking why, he already has so many times... I keep thinking hes going to look at me and say "right youre so not worth this hassle"

xoxo SJ at 3:48 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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