SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Nightmares

Nightmares and insomnia. Its truely evil. I actually hadn't had this dream for awhile. It's not one I like to talk about but at the moment Im shaking. When I was 12 my cousin molested me, when I was 14 my boyfriend at the time raped me (well he did a lot more then that but thats a moot point). For years I've had reoccuring nightmares about both events. They went away... just sort of stopped. About the time I started seeing Steven, which would have been last Spring (like four or five realtionships ago). Every so often though they come back, but for the most part they just left....Untill tonight. I'd been having fucked up dreams lately anyway, about Tristan, chasing him, being lost, bad thoughts. But the nightmare is back. I guess... I dont know maybe its symbolic. Every man I've ever loved has abused me, left me, or used me. Maybe I should be happy in my solitude. There are so few people you meet in life you can really trust, and Tristan is right, when life gets really hard I try to self-distruct. I try to go back into my shell and close myself off. Before I met Claire and Sonya no one really saw me, loved me, and then Kirsten came into my life, and then I joined TD.... thats when Laura, Rei, Chris, Gabi and everyone came into my life, and its so hard, I never asked them to care, I never asked them to love me, never asked them to care, but they do, and now my pain is not my own. When I suffer those around me suffer, and feel inadiquit because they cant stop my tears/pain. I hate that I hurt them when I hurt. I love you guys, never forget that.Then there is Donny. Donny is... Donny is me except male. Donny tries to take care of everyone, but himself, and tries to hide the bad parts of himself, there are three parts to Donny:Simon the writer part of him, the part that comes out in his poetry and essays.Public Donny the person he is to the rest of the world. The one who looks after everyone and puts himself second.Core Donny which is the part of him not many people see, and I have been lucky enough to be let in. He tells me about his fears, his pain, we share an understanding.Donny left AIM running while he's in bed, if I need him Im suposed to IM him till he comes back. Donny is a rare and beautiful man

xoxo SJ at 4:33 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James