SUPERNOVA*

Friday, March 07, 2003

Update on my life

*silence*

That is right. Abby has no life. I went to work last night, it went ok. Joey Was actually nice for a change. I just didnt want to be there and we were so dead. We did a $49.00 hour on drive with 19 costomers, compare that to last friday when I worked and we were up in the 100s. Not that I mind, it was just sooooooo boring!

My life is mostly borning now though. I haven't talked to Chris in what feels like forever, or Gabi in a few days. My inner five year old is feeling neglected and unloved. Gabs is making friends here and its not that i mind because I am too (I just adore Kenny) But as much as I hate to admit this, I don't like the idea of sharing Gabs. Isnt that just sad?

I dunno... no one ever leaves me notes, though Kenny has the cutest comment about me, I just.... as pathetic as this is I need validation... i need to be the center of someones world. I know thats so wrong, and goes against everything I tell people but I DO damn it.

The worst part is the thinking about Tristan, and missing him so much. I can't help it. I think about it and out of all of the guys Ive "been with" Trist is... Tristan was my everything, and it hurts that he's so happy. Its crushing me that he can walk away so easily... and yet I brought it to myself. Somehow I know this is my fault....

I talked to Gilli last night about it. I told her what he said (in case everyone doesnt know, he called me a spiteful, bitter, twisted, self martyring misery junkie) and at first she said "I know he didn't mean it, its just the break up is so fresh thats all" But some of those things... he said to me a long time before we broke up... so then she changed her mind and he was just a "dumb boy" (gotta love those friends who stick by you) and then we sort of stopped talking and about 20 minutes later she IMed me and was like "You aren't you know.... you aren't those things he said, I know it might look like that, but its just because you put everyone else before yourself, not to be a martyr, you aren't self martyring" So then I ask her what I was and she said she didn't know, but it wasnt self martyring....

I talked to Jay too.. showed her some of my poetry, at which point she said "uh oh" because she remembered that I once told her I can only truely write when life is painful, when it hurts so much I can hardly breathe and if I dont write I will die. Then the conversation turned to plays and somehow it came up that out of all of his female leads I identafy most with Ophelia.... which is sort of morbid and sad....

And to add insult to injury Im giving up smoking... Id rather not die of black lungs and ugliness if thats quite alright. *sigh* I feel so completely drained right now... I didnt get to bed till five, Donny and I had a spat because... well more then anything he hurt my feelings but that isnt hte point.... but as always Gabi and Kenneth made me smile...

I feel like Im failing everyone being stuck here, someone actually asked me the other day if I "planned on getting better any time soon"... the problem is for all my advice, for all the times I've said "You must love yourself, you must place value on who you are" I dont know how. I dont know how to be important. I dont know how to give myself what I need... I dont know how to care about what happends to me, for the simple fact that I am. I dont know howto care that Im slowly killing myself by not eating, or sleeping and cutting... I simply dont know.... anything anymore.

xoxo SJ at 4:36 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
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♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James