SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

So I broke it off with Kenneth. It was for the best... being with him just didn't feel right anymore, it was like, he said one thing, but then he'd turn around and do or say another and I just couldn't take the pressure, I felt myself cracking and nothing was making me happy anymore.
Kenneth was smart and funny. He had charm and a mannor Ive rarely incountered, he had warm chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful smile.... he also had the devils own temper, and in the last week hes punched out a dozen windows, and I began to wonder, how long till the windows became me? Or if I did marry him, and we did have children, how many nights would I lay awake while he raged downstairs. How many nights would I have to wipe tears from my babies eyes while they listend to their father roar? And suddenly, I wanted to just be 18. To go out, to party, to spend time not thinking about marriage, morgages, or babies.
before Kenneth asked me to marry him I told him he had to wait to years to even ask, then it was... ok ask me now but we wont get married for two years and suddenly I realised because I didnt want to be alone I was with a man I was not only scared of, but wanted me barefoot and pregnant before I was 21. At one time I thought I could do that... and I still do, when Im 30. When Im 30 I could be I could be a soccer mom, I could be a house wife, but Im not 30. Im not 20. So let me flirt, let me laugh at Jamison calling me a Pimptess Player, and let me enjoy the time I have to find out what sort of guy I really want to be with. Give me time to deal with my baggage.
I'm rather proud of myself actually... there was a time I would have staied... I feel guilty that I hurt him... but at the same time, hes the one that put hte doubts there. It just didn't feel right anymore and for once instead of thinking "but what if hes the one and I let him go". I listened to my heart. Because I finally paused long enough to realise my head and my heart were telling me two different things.
Im debating going to John,Trins/everyone I went to school withs graduation, he really wants me there but.. I dunno.. seeing all those people again... oi part of me wants, I want to see John graduate and all that stuff... but I feel so.. unpretty at the moment.. Bugger it I'll decide later.
My kitten is sick, *sigh* shes jaundice, live fucked up, 300 bucks, I can kiss any money I have comming infor the next 6 months goodbye, but shes my baby and I love her so I'll do it.
I've been getting into contact with a lot of people lately that I hadn't in a long time. I talked to Katie last night for a good 3 hours, I talked to Mina Miriam and Annie today. I realised life is to short to spend it not talking to the people you love. There was a time I couldn't imagin my life without Annie and Mir, and then suddenly I realised it'd been at least three months since I talked to them, and a good 6 since we had a real real conversation. And that is just to long. Now I just have to write/call Kirst and I'll be all set

xoxo SJ at 11:59 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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