SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, April 24, 2004

I've avoided making any real entries lately because I haven't felt up to dealing with my own thoughts in my head, but tonight I think I need to. I think I need to get this out before I make myself sicker or something. I don't know how many people were aware but Dan flew in today, we hung out, he was an hour late picking me up from my last class, it was cool though. We came back to the house, talked for a bit, cuddled for awhile, then he kissed me, twice, and honestly... I dont know... like you know when you're little and you want to wipe your mouth after a kiss because it feels slimey? Thats the feeling his kiss brought. I was cool with the hug, even the kisses on the cheek, but man... I dont know. And I don't even know what it was about it perse. It just made my skin crawl though. Seriously it felt like there was a worm in my mouth *shudder*I like Dan, but Im not attracted to him what so ever. In a lot of ways he's very immature and annoying. Like hes a great friend and I like spending time with him, but I dont like that he feels this big thing for me, esp. because its not reciprocated. I don;t know why Im not attracted to him, and I feel really shallow about it too... which makes the next thing thats been bothering me even harder to talk about.First term I had a huge crush on Travis. I thought that boy hung the moon the first few weeks I knew him, till he really hurt my feelings by comparing me to this ugly disgustingly fat girl,and using me for a size example, slowly what I thought of him deteriorated till it became what it is now, nothing shy of loathing. His excuse after was that he thought I was beautiful, that I was adorible, that I knew how to take care of myself, and that I was gorgeous, so being fat shouldn't matter. Tonight Tristin told me, when he first met me, he told her that he would have had a total crush on me, had I been thinner. Even now, not because I care about him, but because I hate myself so much, I feel it tearing apart the weak grasp I have on the sense of self Im working on. I feel like being distructive. And then tonight he was flirting with me and being all cuddly, and like looked at me after I said something and was all "I have this amazingly intense desire to kiss your cheek right now". Im just like... I dont even know. Im freaking out really because it just confirms it you know? No matter what I do, no matter who I am, if Im not thin it doesn't matter. And people wonder why I hate myself, why I punish myself for my imperfections.

xoxo SJ at 9:44 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James