SUPERNOVA*

Monday, July 05, 2004

The last few days have been really weird. I dont remember if I wrote about it or not, but Thursday before we went up to the Canyon, my little sister Katie called. I haven't talked to Katie in almost two years. She tried to get ahold of me last summer but I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to have to hear anymore what a bad daughter I was... anyway, point is she called. I was waiting to hear from Jodie who was going to call and tell me what time we were leaving, and I was slighty freaked out so I used it as an excuse to get off the phone, but told her to call me that night or I would call her or something. Went, had a great day, didn't really even think about it. Came home, she'd called, so I called her back, we talked for awhile then she had to get off the phone and I was tired. Went to bed at 3 woke up at like Noon (I've become very lazy.), started on Mom's Storybook project (Shes got these giant need to be coloured storybooks, and I've been nominated in all my artistic glory to colour them.. but I got a new box of 96 Crayons!), then as I was finishing up with the first page Katie called me again, we talked for about an hour and she told me she really wanted to see me and Grandmaw (Thats actually how she signs her cards.) Nora wanted to see me, and of course Maxine(StepGrandma) and Melissa (Slightly younger then me cousin who Im really close to), so I talked to Mom and we all agree the 3rd would work best because we were gonna go see Gran anyway. After we got off the phone Mom called Grandma and she was complaining of pain in her back right under her shoulder blades. She sounded scared and told mom she didn't think she could reach/find her call button, so mom called the nursing home, and we went down, Mom took her to the doctor and I staid at her little room/apartment thing working on her laundry and Moms book. They came back Grandma was moody and teary and when Aunt Carol and I went to get her some groceries Aunt Carol just lost it, she cried for like ten minutes. She's under a lot of stress though, one of her residents at Annabell House died and while shes glad that he's done hurting, she feels his daughter's pain because his son is a jackass and her husband basicly said "Me or your Dad" and she chose her dad. Anyway she cried, which made me cry, so we cried, then it was all better. We went back to Gran's she was weepy and argued with Aunt Carol about her painpill so I skirted out to tell Brenda (one of Gran's nurses who was working her last day) Goodbye. The turnover rate at Annabell House is horrible, for residents and med people. Came home, called Katie, made sure we were still on for tomorrow and we agreed I'd just meet her at Maxine's and we'd go from there because there were a lot of people who wanted to see me. Got online then went to bed. Got up the next morning, showered got dressed headed out the door, by this time I have having a panic attack about it because I was sure it was going to be awful. Managed to calm down before we got there, when I got out of the car Maxine came out of the house and gave me a big hug saying "Girl you've been sorely missed, I think about you everytime Im in Payette" (her Granddaughter and Great Granddaughter live here, and her Great Granddaughter at Mom for her second grade teacher). Then Katie burst out the house, threw her arms around me and as I was saying "You cut off all your hair" she was saying "Yours is so long!" We hugged whatever went back into the house, I sat in the bathroom while she did her makeup, which is what she used to do with me when I would stay at Dads. I'd do my hair and makeup in her room and we'd listen to my CDs or whatever. Went back out, sat with Grandma Maxine for awhile, told her everything I'd been upto. Then Katie and I went to the park, I think I got some great shots of her for Photography. I can't wait to develop my film tomorrow. Then we ran by Uncle Eddies so Emmet could get his charger, saw Melissa she was a wreck. The night before she and her roommate had a party, everyone got really drunk and two guys got brilliant and decided to play Russian Roulett, Melissa had just walked out on to her pattio and thought she heard a firecracker, turned around and Tim was laying in a pool of blood. Everyone else ran, she called 911, it was all over the news. We left her so she could get ready and call Todd and a few other things, went to Grandmaw Nora's she was so happy to see me I thought she'd burst. I got the usual guilt of not seeing her enough but everyone gets that. Even the girls she sees every few months. My Uncle Mark was really happy to see me, and then when Donna and Kathy showed up they were happy to see me, and my cousin Crystal had her baby, who isn't a baby anymore, he's almost five (that made me feel fucking old. Sort of like when I remeber Faith is going into second grade). Miss showed up, had a minibreak down when the news came on, came back in curled up next to me after Katie went to the bathroom, we were talking and Grandmaw was pushing for us to get food. Miss wasn't hungry so we sat and talked a little longer, I was trying to coax her to eat at least a little bit (Grandmaw is an amazing down south fattening cook). While I was doing that Grandma took the direct root and just made us both HUGE fucking plates with a little bit of everything on it. My eyes got all big I thought I was gonna die lol. But her spare ribs are sooooooooo yummy, and she uses homemade sauce on um and fried chicken and coldslaw and ugh that woman! And corn on the cob, which I hate eating because its messy. It was great. Miss and I both thought it unfair punishment for not being fast enough. I gave like half mine to my cousin Josh and Katie ate my potato salad. At somepoint I was talked/guilted into coming back for Ed and Debs BBQ on the Fourth and the Family Reunion on the 11th.After that we all sat around and talked till Momma showed up, and everyone was really happy to see her. She was surprised, but Donna just hopped right up gave her a hug, told her how cute she looked, Grandmaw hugged her, and even Uncle Eddie who doesnt do the whole huggy thing followed us out to the car to talk to her. I think Mom still feels a lot of resentment that no one came to her when she left Dad, no one asked her what happend and they had been like her whole life, her best friends. I don't think its healthy to walk around with so much hurt in you, but I do it so I guess I can't talk. We came home, I got online talked to Aly and Chris for a bit, then went to bed because I couldn't hold my eyes open. Got up the next morning, went to Grandma's for Lunch, talked to my Auntie Carol, Uncle Bill was late (as always), the food was ok for nursing home grub. She rode down to Boise with us but Mom didn't even park, I just got out of the car and ran into the house. Donna gave me a hug hello I met Josh's girlfriend, saw Lori but the girls were up in McCall with their Dad's family. I fixed my own plate and then got in trouble for only having a hamburger and coldslaw. Nothing much really happend, except my talk with Grandmaw Nora. She told me that Dad just doesn't know how to deal with me and his way of dealing is to pretend it never happend. So when Im angry he pretends Im not there. Its not that he doesn't love me, he's just a passive agressive. I know that, but it doesn't make it hurt less.Mom picked me up, we came home, I was here all of twenty minutes when Jodie called inviting us over to her mom's for fireworks. We went at 9:30 didn't get home till 1:30, and we had fireworks going the whole time. Like the big shit that isnt exactly "legal". We got it so brite it turned off the stree light three times. It was awesome. At one point I tried to talk Mom into giving me a beer, Margo overheard and Mom was all "If we were at home I wouldn't care" so Margo's like "This is home!" Then she took me aside, slipped me a Keystone and was like "Behind the fence, go behind the fence" I just love Margo. Mom thought it was funny as hell.The general consensus this weekend is my hair is beautiful and I need to wear it down more often. Apprently Jodie had never seen me without it up. And my Aunt Donna, who just opend her own Salon, thought my highlights were amazing. I think Im going Saturday but Im not sureIm at that place where if I dont hate my Dad, then I have to love him, and loving him hurts, and leaves me open to really bad situations. And Im not sure Im strong enough to go through that again. I've changed a lot in the last three years, Im not who I was the last time I talked to him, I don't even know that person. I've been through hell and back and Im not sure I have it in me to do it again. Im not perfect, Im not even healed completely, but Im working on being a better me. He makes me not like me... so Im sort of stuck.

xoxo SJ at 12:59 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James