SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Bitch Bitch Bitch

I feel like thats all I do lately. I hate even IMing Jay and Kath anymore because Im sure they're sick of hearing my petty grievances with the world. I don't know why Im so negitive lately, part of me wonders if its not my pills- or the fact that Im walking around feeling like I have softballs for ovaries and still no blood. Im tired all the time, I could honestly just sleep for days. Thats all I want to do lately- besides worrying about Katie. Things between my stepmom and my dad have gone to shit apparently. I don't care so much about either of them, just how they're screwing Katie up right now with how they're acting.

Today was very very long. After several faild attempts last night to sleep, M. and I got started on our Abby/Drago ship. We staied up till like five my time working on one thread. Then I had to get up at 6 to go with mom to court, it was so early I couldn't eat so I couldn't take my pills, so by the time we got there I had a bitch of a headach. Moms fine is going to cost $150, but she gets to keep her licence and won't have to do any com. service or spend two nights in jail.

The problem is of course lack of money. I have 336 left in my savings- which I swore I wasn't going to touch. However due to food needs, room needs, stuff for Moms classroom, a car payment and insurance payment so she could get off as easy as she did, I had to. I know Lesley will be upset or maybe more to the point worried about me. But... I just have to do what I have to do to keep the peace. Im tired of fighting all the time. Besides, in a sense she was right, she maxed out credit cards and barrowed from her retirment to pay for my first and last terms and books. I know as a mother she should, but Im also not bringing any money in, or paying rent. I still don't like the way she approched it with me though.

The only reason Im really worried about money is because my doctors appointment on Monday, with the weight lose specialist will be 120/130 for all the blood work, and whatever else he does for first timers. Thats not so bad except I havent paid on tuition, or bought books, or heard about my finacial aid yet. Or the dorms either. Im so tired right now I could just sleep for days...

Im also back on my pills. Which kills my creativity- however I know I need it because I bottomed out hardcore last weekend- besides being a bitch and a half to everyone, I went hard core on an eating beinge, and starting thinking really bad things I don't even like admiting to. FOR NO REASON. In fact if anything I should have been happy. I spent time with Kimber, Jaymie and Shaun were being super supportive, Kath was back online... but I just kept thinking "Life for everyone would be better if I was dead". I knew then I needed to start taking it again, no more of this weining myself off because I get mental. And its scary. And with this big move to the dorm if I don't take it we're looking at a hard core meltdown when Im out of the house. I CANT do that to myself. I've worked too hard and invested too much to back slide now... but taking the pills... it kills the spark in me. Everything I write lately is trite and over done... and it scares me.

I don't want to be normal- being average is my greatest fear.

xoxo SJ at 1:39 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
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♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
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♥ Lyden
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♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James