SUPERNOVA*

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Grow

My computer no longer hates me and will let me post entries- but it came at the cost of over 600 graphics I'd made because my backup disks were shit. Life goes on but I was rather annoyed when it happend. Fuckin technology man.

I start school in a month, Im... nerviously excited. This year needs to be different. I know I can't make it through another one like the last... though a major part of that- Clare- is no longer ever going to be a part of my life. I finally see things clearly. I finally understand- about her, about myself, about what it all was... but its all still too painful, to shaming to write down yet.

Shame.

What an ugly word, yet in my mental imagry, its almost all I see. Shame, dissapointment, worthlessness... all such ugly words we breed into our vocabulary. Why should someone at 19 be dissapointed in all they've become, or feel worthless for all they can't be. Why do we place in little girls heads the ideal of the perfect woman whos unatainable, unachieveable, and down right unhealthy.

Why do I hate myself because Im not a size 6. Why do I punish myself because I fall in love with dicksmacks who don't treat me right? Why do I pour my heart and spill my blood for a father who did the best he could but could never be what I needed.

Why?

Why do women find it easy to love unconditionally those around them, but condition the love they grand themselves?

"I'd love myself if I were a better mom"

"I'd love myself if I looked like Angelina Jolie"

"I'll love myself when I get to my goal weight"

"I'll love myself when I find a man to love and respect me"

"I'll love myself if I can get this job"

"I'll love myself when my friends and family accept me"

I've said most of those. I've fed into this vision of myself- the self martyring fuck up. The under apprciated, over worked, misunderstood, broken, Princess of Teenage Masochistic Rebelion.

I wore my pain with pride and never once tried to really get better. Never once really gave myself over to the freedom loving and accepting yourself gives you.

Why? Because I kept telling myself I wasn't worthy of real happiness. To really be happy takes work, it takes being able to admit you're human, that you'll make mistakes, that life will hit you like a brick wall but you will keep going on knowing there is no fault.

Its so much easier to be the Princess of Teenage Masochistic Rebelion. You can wallow there, I have for years, never really trying, never really healing, and when people walk away you blame yourself, but only to stroke your own ego, to confirm to yourself that you were never good enough. You were right once again.

Its bullshit. And its bullshit that even with the good people i have in my life, I listen to the dickduckfucks who told me what I already believed about myself. I listened everytime they told me I was worthless.

Why?

Because it was less risky then believing the people who made me try, who made me accountable.

Every persons life comes to a point where they can continue on the path theyve chosen to devert to something more promising, something better, something more fufilling.

Now is my time.

My whole life I've tried being everyone else.

I think its time to be something closer to myself

xoxo SJ at 1:41 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James