SUPERNOVA*

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Too Much

The last few days have been hell. Well really yesterday wasn't so bad as much as I was so drained from the day before. Ive been trying not to kick myself too hard for the whole night out with my sister. E. is an asshole, but he hasn't talked shit since it all happend. Probably because Gabe threatend to string him up by his testies if he ever touched me again... which is really funny because Im sure its not the first time either of them has taken advantage of a situation.

I went to the doctor on the 14th. Ive only lost six pounds and 4 inches in a month. I keep getting in trouble for saying "only" but its true you know. Six pounds isn't what I thought it would be, and I spent a month trying to pretend to be happy, to be up beat but I was miserable. I missed food, desperatly really. Which is fucking pathetic in and of itself.

So I was already upset about that, even though Dr. R. and Mom kept giving me pep talks. I mean Im not going to give up, Im just a little.. ok a lot... dissapointed with myself. I busted my ass and it still wasnt enough.

Anyway to make matters worse I came home and found two of Josies kittens dead. It makes me absolutly sick to my stomach. I burried them out by the shed today. I couldn't stop crying. Actually Ive spent most of the last two days in tears over this shit. I don't know why... Im just not very happy right now.

In other news I had the weirdest dream about Shay last night. In it, we were talking about Krys- this girl I sort of dated for awhile and was hung up on for a long time, and she told me suddenly she was in love with Krys, even though she'd spent like the last six months telling me they'd never be more then friends. And I can remember standing in a coffee shop screaming that I never wanted to see either one of them again and hoped they rotted in hell.

It was all kind of surreal, like it felt like it was really happening. When I woke up I was like sobbing and I had to run to the bathroom and throw up.

Which is the reaction I get any time I think about Krys anymore. I still really care about her, more then Id ever admit to, and lately I guess Ive been avoiding her without meaning to. I mean I havent made an effort to be around or answer any of her messages, but I see her on this spiral and I can't help her out. She doesn't want help out really, and I guess it hurts because I know I would treat her so much better then any one else, but Im her friend. Actually I doubt she even misses me. I told her the other day, on a rare occasion when we actually got to talk, how much Id missed her and how weird this next year would be and she was just like "Its cool. Life takes us our own ways."

I wanted to smack her and tell her I didnt want to go my own way, but thats needy.

Bryan told me I was going to hell the other day for being a Lesiban. And wanted to know what I could possibly see in cunt eating whores. I hung up on him and tried to track odwn the number that he called from but it was blocked. Fucking Bastard. Ive already told mom not to give him my dorm room phonenumber. I dont want to deal with his shit anymore. Ive told him as much too. You'd think the fact whenever he calls and I know its him that I hang up would give him some sort of clue.

But then I date schmucks.

Havent talked to Nate. Im assuming he still hates me for telling him hes a lazy defeatist bastard who needed a swift kick up the ass.

Talking to Shaun hurts. Jays always busy or my computer tweaks out on rare occasion that shes online. I really miss her but sometimes I feel like I dont know what to say to anyone anymore. Im tried of telling them Im unhappy even though Im trying so hard to get myself to a place where I can be happy.

xoxo SJ at 10:33 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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