SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Sara does not play well with others

I don’t know what the hell is up with me lately, I’m moody, I don’t want to be around people, but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to deal with anything that’s going on, but I can’t make the problems stop running through my head. It’s all such needless drama, such pointless propaganda. I really just want to run away from it all, it’s getting harder and harder to deal with.

I’ve been drinking way too much again, I don’t know what I’m thinking so don’t ask. Every night since last Thursday I’ve had at least a six-pack, and vodka. Why? I have no idea. Last night though I did end up in bed before 3 that was good. I was still fucking tired though. And I’ve started skipping classes. That’s really going to fuck me up and I know this.

I’m aggravated with myself right now because I’m giving D. more control then he should have. I’m letting myself be hurt by the shit he says and does, by the way he treats me and I shouldn’t. I mean I’m back to the point where I hate eating in public… so I don’t, then I get sick when I do it. I hate it. I really can’t stand being this way because one it scares me and two I know where this road goes. I know where I will end up if I don’t get my head out of my ass.

The night things all fell apart I curled up on my bed and christened my room. Perhaps desecrated is the more appropriate word. I swore I wouldn’t do it again, I swore I wouldn’t cut on campus, that I wouldn’t let anything hurt me so bad I went back to that again. It doesn’t even matter, it’s not like anyone would really notice till the point came that someone wasn’t there to try and fix everything, when someone wasn’t there to play therapist.

Maybe that’s not true, but that’s how it feels. I feel like this darkness coming on, and lately I just want to curl into a ball and cry. I just can’t seem to deal with it anymore. I just… I want to be pretty; I want to be one of the beautiful girls. I want to turn heads and not hear fat jokes. I want to be able to eat without feeling dirty and worthless. I want to be free.

It’s so childish, the jokes I mean. Chris is just a fucking cruel bastard. But everyone thinks he’s so funny. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I feel so unworthy of kindness right now and that scares me, the way I’m feeling, more then what I’ve had to deal with, is what disturbs me, because I remember these feelings, I remember the way this all played out. I remember what did…. I don’t think I could survive that again.

I’m tired of the self depreciating jokes. I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m tired of being a joke. I’m tired of being me. *spits on reflection*

xoxo SJ at 10:40 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
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♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James