SUPERNOVA*

Monday, November 08, 2004

Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitchy Bitch

I had a break down this weekend. I called Mom at four in the morning sobbing because I was beyond sure I was going to amount to nothing; that I would never be anything but a failure. I talked to Trisha and talking to her usually brings about these feelings, which is why I don’t do it. I keep thinking we’re both in this hateful cycle, and we won’t ever get out. It scares me to my core this constant thought I keep having is nothing will ever change, I will never escape, never mount to anything, never have anything of my own.

This all comes to pass due to our never ending apathy. Its everywhere in our generation, sure we get outraged, indignant, but we ever myself included (and people like Jay excluded) take action. Take for instance the fact that our bathrooms have been nasty with garbage on the floor, piss on the seats, and flooded toilets for like a week now, we’ve all bitched to each other, but not one of us has gone to the RAs or the Res. Life office and complained. We never took action, we just bitched. I don’t want to be this way, don’t want this life but don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to really change. It scares me, shakes me to more core. I feel like I have no future.

Then the panic sets in, and it’s all I can do to keep my cool. I spend more time fighting off panic attacks then any super neurotic space case should. I miss feeling like I have it all together but every time it feels like life is going right something jerks it away and I feel completely useless and unworthy of anything- be it love or success. Getting like this scares me; I don’t even know how to deal with me when I get like this. It’s rather pathetic when you can’t even stand yourself and want to avoid your own thoughts.

I had to call mom the other night because it got so bad. She however finds it hard to believe I don’t know my own worth. I don’t know why. It’s not like this is a new thing. I don’t think she ever realized the damage Grandma did to me when I was younger. The needling comments, the never feeling good enough, no matter how hard I worked I was always just short of being good enough in her eyes. The only thing I ever wanted was to be good enough for her, for my dad, to just… be good enough to be loved. I suppose it all goes back to if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Kadie and I seem to have worked things out. At least we’re talking normally again. I don’t know why, but the fact she and Willow were spending so much time together gave me the feeling I was dispensable. Like I didn’t really matter because suddenly these two people I’d really invested in had each other that meant they wouldn’t need me anymore. I don’t know where these thoughts come from- only that they sound disturbingly like something my Grandmother used to tell me and I don’t know how to deal with that.

xoxo SJ at 10:45 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James