SUPERNOVA*

Monday, November 15, 2004

Hidden Agenda

I spent the majority of last week with Mom. I don’t know why but suddenly life just seems so fucked up right now. I love my friends to death, really I do, but I just needed a place where I felt safe in my own skin again. Somehow even in the dorms I feel like I have to pretend. Im not free to really be myself. I have to be this certain way, I have to be happy and bright and bubbly and right now that hurts. It hurts more then anything in the whole world having to pretend to be happy and content when at the heart of it I feel completely worthless of really being happy.

Sunday I had a break down. Mom and I were talking and I asked her if she thought Id gained back the weight Id lost the first two months I started seeing Dr. Raider. She told me she didn’t know, but she’d be surprised if Id lost anymore. I don’t really know why but my whole world seemed to fall apart in that moment. Things Id bottled up for so long just broke out and I told her that I went around constantly feeling worthless, and that no matter what, even if she and my family loved me it wasn’t enough because the first thing people see when they see me is the fat, the disgusting flab. It doesn’t matter how one trusses it up, its still there. Still disgusting. Still a part of me.

xoxo SJ at 10:47 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James