SUPERNOVA*

Monday, November 29, 2004

Self depreciating bullshit

There is something in the air that makes today, above all other days hurt. I don’t know what’s up with me lately, but it’s like the littlest things make me cry. I’m hanging on by a thread and nothing is working out alright. My nerves are raw and I’m feeling more alone with each day that passes. Part of me wants to give it all up, trudge back home to mommy and give myself up to the carnage that is known as self medicating mutilation.

I yelled at Aly last night. I blasted her for being the poser that she is, pretending to give a fuck when all she ever ever did was talk about herself and her problems and never once lifted a finger to help herself. I’m so sick of people like that. Ive been busting my ass and all I get is a “you have to try harder” “your best isn’t enough” “why can’t you be more (fill in the blank)”.

I don’t know why I can’t be perfect ok? I don’t know why I can’t be happy like Kadie, or pretty like Kadie. I don’t know why I can’t be smart like Charity, or have perfect hair like Willow. I don’t know why I can’t deal with my life. I don’t know why no matter how much I give you all seem to want more.

I give alright!

I’m a bad, horrible, fucking nasty ass piece of shit alright? I couldn’t keep Shaun from cheating on me, I couldn’t keep Kenneth interested, I couldn’t love Clare enough, I couldn’t fix Bryan or David or Cyrus. I wasn’t good enough alright?!

Its not like I don’t fucking know man.

It’s not like I don’t see it every fucking day when I look in the mirror.

It’s not like I don’t wish I could be anyone but who I am.

It’s not like I don’t hate myself more then you ever could.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to be more.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to be perfect.

I’m just no good enough ok?

xoxo SJ at 10:49 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James