SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

And the world falls to pieces

Everything is so fucked up right now. I went last night to talk to the Financial Aide office because they were supposed to have a check for me. However, due to my own stupidity, instead of Moms parentplus loan adding to my money for the term, it took away from it because while at one point I only owed 385, I now owe 500 something. When she applied and accepted her loan, then that canceled out my unsubsidized loan because it declared me as a dependant.

This means I am 3000 dollars short for the year, which means each term I will be 500 short. Which means I can’t fucking afford to go to school. Even if I can manage to scrape together that money it would involve not only moving home, but I STILL wouldn't be able to pay for my books.

Seriously, I'm like on the verge of bursting into tears thinking about it. I'm a mess. I had a total freak out last night. Mom actually said to me "What’s the harm in taking off six months" The harm is, I would be trapped, yet again, under that roof, day in day out with her and the cats and never having anything of my own. Never having a place to fall without her telling me I'm selfish.

I feel like every time I get a little bit out of the hole, there is someone there trying to shove me back into that box. I will never make it. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. I can’t live with her, I will die. It’s like… I have nothing of my own; every time I try to make my life better someone rips it away.

That’s how I felt last night. And then today I come in, I have a cold, I feel like shit, I’m still on my period, and I’m trying to talk to Lesley about what happened and she’s like “we all have problems” Ok I know that everyone has problems, I know right now everyone is stressed… but what I don’t need is someone making me feel like I’m selfish for needing to vent, for needing to get it out of me.

I’ve been locking this shit up so tight for so long, playing a part, smiling for everyone else, that I’ve made myself sick. I’m not sleeping at night, I can’t keep anything down when I eat. Every second of everyday I want to fall to pieces and just bawl my eyes out. I can’t do this anymore. I cant be this person anymore. I don’t… I don’t want to live this life this way because it isn’t really living at all.

ANd maybe none of my online friends see it because I don't do it here. I go silent, or stray away, and maybe no one even understands why Im so upset, and maybe it doesnt even matter except that I feel completley trapped and I can't breathe anymore.

I just got out of that cesspool. I’ve had a taste of freedom, of being on my own, and now someone wants to shove me back in that little box and I will, without a doubt suffocate. I cant live like this. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I’ve tried to be a good person.

This just proves no good deed goes unpunished.

Mom thinks I’m being melodramatic, but I mean it. Without school, there is nothing but a black void and no future. I have nothing. There is nothing else out there. And I will die in that house, with four cats and a mother who makes me hate myself.

xoxo SJ at 3:58 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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