SUPERNOVA*

Friday, December 24, 2004

Burnout.

Total burn out.

I love my family, really I do, but I feel like... I dont know. Everythings such a mess right now. I feel like Im drowning in this sea of darkness, Im so busy being brave for everyone else I haven't let myself fall apart. Ive shoved it down and dissapeared when I needed to cry.

We made it through Christmas. Everyone was here because just before that it was almost a sure thing she'd be gone. Last Tuesday we thought we had hours. The smell of death was so thick it made me sick...

She has her good days and her bad days and its much harder when her good days go bad. She gets really confused and yells a lot. She keeps telling us to fix her, but we cant.

The other night she thought she was having a heart attack. She had chest pains and arm pains, and it hurt her so much she was in tears... all I could do was sit there and hold her hand... I sat by her bed till four or five. Finally she fell back to sleep and I curled up there on the floor by her bed and went to sleep.

I know... for her, shes in so much pain it would be better if it were over. I know that. I know Im being selfish and Im hurting for my own loss, my own mortality...

I cried for hours when I realized this will be our last Christmas with her. She wont see me graduate. She wont see proverbial babies. She wont sit front row on the day of my wedding.

I know logically I'll still have my mom and my dads still alive and we're getting closer again. I know that. But in my heart everyday I lose her I feel more and more like an orphan.

xoxo SJ at 11:03 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James