SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

You Make Me Want To LaLa

It wasn’t exactly like I thought; moving out I mean. It wasn’t a solve all, and I’m not grown up. I still spend a lot of time lying to myself… and to everyone else about myself. I still write, badly if you ask me. I still cry over sappy movies, and get frustrated with my own sense of right and wrong. When I look back over the last three years I wonder whats really changed at all?

There are people I loved so much it hurt, and I lost due to my own stupidity. There are people I loved so much it scared me and I lost them because I ran… and the thing Im learning, I mean really learning once it’s gone… there’s no going back. Ever.

Even if its someone you can pretend with, someone who will act like nothing happened. At the heart of it, you both KNOW it did. That’s where I am right now. I keep thinking back, remembering a simpler time… but there’s nothing there anymore. I don’t know that one ever heals from these moments. I don’t know what you ever let it go…

I listened to the CD she made me last night, flipped through lyrics and remembered when she meant every word of everything promise she made… The hardest part of it all is knowing I did it, I drove her away because I had had to be right. I made myself unlovable.

Ugh I’m dwelling again. That’s pathetic.

I had a dream last night, about getting back together with C. I don’t know why, we haven’t talked about that forever, and the last time we did we both decided it would be best if we didn’t, because we would need to be together to be together. Anyway! The dream was weird, I only remember parts of it, and most of those are not G rated. Har. Anyway, the parts I remember and wont blush at sharing, it was like she was dating three other people, and like this was a huge issue for me, even though I told her Id be ok with it (typical girl move). And as the dream goes on, its like the message its driving home is that no matter how much she did or didn’t love me, I would always have to share her…

I have no idea what this means. However I think it might be something sort of big, which peeves me because I can’t figure it out. It’s sort of creepy given the nature of my dreams, and the fact the one I had about the whole coffee house thing was partly true. I don’t think I ever told her about that. I think it might freak her out, only because it freaked me out.

I have a serious cold going on. My nose is all runny and sore, and I can’t breathe. Bleck. Bastard sinuses.

I’m going through a huge Billy Talent phase at the moment, Billy Talent and Joss Stone. Of course there’s the ever present Smashing Pumpkins, NIN, Death Cab for Cutie, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Maroon 5, Jewel, Tori Amos, Alanis Morissette and Fiona. Nate and I are discussing our favorite bands. I just totally fell in love with The Indigo Girls and Ive gotten really into The Doors again too. I have to admit, as much as it will shame Brit and Shaun, my guilty pleasure at the moment in “LaLa” by Ashlee Simpson. “You can dress me up in diamonds. You can dress me up in dirt. You can throw me like a lineman, I like it better when it hurts.” Tara told me months ago that made her think of me. I didn’t know what ot make of that. Ha.

xoxo SJ at 10:54 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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♥ Vintage Vanity
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Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
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♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James